A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey everyone!my boyfriend of 5years told my best friend that if he was single he would totally date this girl let's call her X!and he asked my best frend if this X is single! should I be worried??and my boyfriend and this X text each other.and he really likes her nature and finds her a really nice girl..what should I do? should I confront my boyfriend if I do then he will think that I don't trust him.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 June 2010):
 We all think things about other people, fantasize about other people, and just because we are not single we are not blind. So what, he asked her single status, it could have been pure curiosity. I don't need to have been in similar situations, I know myself, and I trust my boyfriend. So that is why these things would not worry me. What is said not to me is not for me to hear, and god knows I have said a lot to my girlfriends about other guys or my own relationship that according to others on this thread would have probably been a "deal breaker". Whether this man says it out loud or not, he's not doing anything wrong by merely saying this other girl is nice and then asking her single status. Because I am also sure he asked a lot of other questions, and that this is not the entire conversation. I am pretty sure it is easy for a friend in this case to cut and paste whatever will sound most shocking.
Alright, just ask your boyfriend "did you say this, and in that case why?" That should give you all the answers you need. And if you break up with him over this one reason, without even talking to the man first... wow.
A
female
reader, Oregongrl1  +, writes (3 June 2010):
Well lets see if i got this right you don't know if your BF, will go out w/ her but yet he says it. what do you think? i think you already know the answer to that. i think you are hoping that we will say no to put you're mind at ease? hes a jerk to say that and hurt you like that what a pig!!
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (3 June 2010):
 Those who have said not to worry have most likely never been in this situation. I was in one very similar to this recently, my now ex-boyfriend had been regularly hanging out with a girl he was attracted to, and made sure to carefully omit that detail when telling me he went to a bar with 'some friends'. This happened every week, and I found out about it only after we broke up, from my best friend (who also happened to be his roommate). I trusted him at the time, and in the end he dumped me for her because she was, as he put it to said friend, 'a vapid slut he'd fuck and never call again'. My point is that in this kind of situation, even if things start out innocently, it won't always stay that way. I suggest you stay on guard, but don't bring it up unless you see warning signs such as sudden, unexplained distance.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): Thank goodness there is one very intelligent answer here. Great post chigirl. If my wife and I got our shorts tied up in a knot if the other made a simple comment like that we would have been divorced long ago, instead of being happily married for nearly 25 years. For god's sake people, he is just saying that the other person is nice and would be a choice if he were not in a relationship. Hell, there are women who I would want to date if I were not married to my wife and she feels the same. It's no wonder there are so many divorces and break-ups if most people get all spastic over a most likely innocent comment.OP, if you are worried then calmly bring it up with your boyfriend. Don't accuse or get confrontational and I'm pretty sure that you will feel more comfortable with what he said. When there is something that bothers a person in a relationship, the best thing to do is to discuss it. Apparently, not many people understand communication. If there is a problem in what he meant, then you will know the real situation, but you have to communicate to know.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 June 2010):
And, yeah, if you confront him about this it is a clear sign that you don't trust him. Because if you did trust him you'd know he's not into anyone but you. And for the record, you heard this not from him directly, but from said best friend. Your boyfriend could have said anything and your friend is doing the interpretation.
Sorry for second post, I only read the other answers after already posting, a habit I need to get rid of. But anyway, your boyfriend has done nothing in this context that should worry you. That is, if you actually trust your boyfriend and know he is honest with you. If you barely know your boyfriend and have only been with him one week there is reason to doubt his honesty. But seriously, this could mean nothing at all. It's just talk. Judge by actions, not talk, and especially not talk from another person who could be saying just about anything.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 June 2010):
If I was the one to say "If I was single I'd date her/him" you would have had nothing to worry about. In my head that just means "if I didn't already have someone who is better, she/he could be a close 2nd runner up".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): Is your best friend a girl or a guy?
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A
female
reader, Spades  +, writes (3 June 2010):
 You worry about him not trusting you? It should be the other way around.
I would definately confront him. I wouldn't be nasty or rude, but direct and to the point.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (2 June 2010):
Very much so worried. For me, that would be a deal breaker. It means that you're not really number one in his life. That's not good enough.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): Confront him x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): You should only be worried if you believe that this is ok. I would dump him quickly!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 June 2010):
 Oh yeah, you should be worried. He's blatantly said he's attracted to her and is keeping up communication with her.
You could pre-empt getting dumped by being the one to break it off with him. You can't tie down someone whose heart is going in another direction, but you can keep your poise and dignity and self-confidence by being the one to set him free.
When you do break up with him, just tell him "I hope things work out with this X, as I look forward to meeting my own X. Good luck!" It will still hurt you to do this, but you will be the one in control. Tell him that you aren't interested in being in a relationship where you aren't the one he's thinking about.
I'm sorry this happened to you, but you deserve someone who cherishes you and isn't out asking if some other girl is single and pursuing a relationship with her (which he IS doing by texting her). Don't let him get away with hedging his bets by going after her and keeping you on the side.
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