A
female
age
41-50,
*harla33
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. We were friends several years before that. He was in an unhappy and sometimes violent marriage and they were always seperating and trying to work things out. His family hated her very much, she was very controlling and he had no say in anything. He finally had enough and left the marriage. After a few months we began dating, and are planning to be married. I have never in the years I've known him met his ex or anyone in his family. She refuses to give him a divorce, stating that it is against God and what he wants. My boyfriend is not a religious person and now she has his family turned against him, trying to make him "go home", the kids lives are ruined, etc. His mother has tried to get him to go overseas to get him away from me. She even sent him an email telling him that he needed to "step away from "other things" (me) and give her another chance. Her family is constantly calling and emailing and snail-mailing him, telling him what a sinner he is and that he needs to "go home". They are very radically religious people, and are always trying to guilt him. He left the marriage without taking anything but his clothes. He left her everything else.... car, money (a large amount), house, kids, everything! Together we have rebuilt what he left.... car, money, home, etc. He will not confront any of this. He won't confront her and tell her to back off and move on. He won't confront his family and tell them that he is happy for the first time in his life and they need to accept that. He won't tell the ex-family to quit harassing him. He just says its better to ignore it all. It's impacting our relationship, and I want it to stop. Do I stay quiet? I don't know what to do. It is to the point that I am about to lose it with a lot of these people. We are both incredibly happy together...... except for this family stuff. The only reason I ever get from him is that he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But, it seems to me that he doesn't mind that my feelings stay hurt! Somebody please help me...... tell me I'm right, tell me I'm wrong, tell me whatever... I just need some reassurance one way or another.........
View related questions:
divorce, his ex, money, move on, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (10 September 2008):
 Wonderful news! I think you have a handle on the whole situation. You are totally correct it's their loss, a son, a lovely daughter in law, and a beautiful grandchild. What a pity. You keep holding your head up sweetheart, you have behaved like a classy lady. "The future's so bright, I have to where sunglasses".
A
female
reader, charla33 +, writes (10 September 2008):
charla33 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne year later -
One year later, to the day as a matter of fact, we were happily married in a private ceremony in Memphis, TN (not where we are from). The divorce was finally done several months ago.
We are expecting our first child together at the end of January, and we are both very excited and very happy!!!
On the other fronts, nothing has really changed. His ex is still intertwined with his family, and neither side is letting go. She will not let their children come to our house, because I am a bad example and this whole relationship is "against God" and she will not have her children growing up knowing that their father has taken up an adulterous relationship with another woman...this is all pretty much direct quote. The in-laws who hated her terribly while he was married to her still are doting on her as the poor scorned wife, and she eats up every bit of it. My new mother-in-law will still have nothing to do with me, finds it shameful that her son has moved on to another relationship, and finds our pregnancy disdainful. This from a woman who has been married 6 times! My husband can't even go to visit her to try to talk to her, because the ex-wife is always there. I'm convinced that this is never going to change, and I've come to the peaceful answer of SO WHAT, it's going to be her loss.
The other really strange part of all this is the ex's behavior. She hasn't told anybody that they are divorced. She doesn't want anybody to know because "what would people think?" She's constantly crying to my husband about what are people going to say, it's so un-christian, people are going to think badly of him and of her because it is a sin against God, on and on. My husband is convinced that she hasn't even told her parents at this point. If we ever happen to end up at the same place, say a restaurant or grocery store or what have you, she will drop everything and run to her car and leave. And it's not like people don't know he's not there anymore....we continually run into old neighbors and her co-workers and such, and they all see that he's obviously with someone new. It's been over 3 years now, and I used to believe that she really held her beliefs true and I carried a small amount of guilt about that. But now, as time has gone on, I'm convinced it's really all about image with her, she is so direly afraid that her image will be 'tarnished' if it is known that she's been through a divorce that it is nearly crippling her.
I'm rambling on and on, but I feel much better letting it off my shoulders. Thanks for listening, feel free to offer any advice. I'm still irked about the in-laws; at this point I've decided that if they ever do come around, they are not welcome in my child's life. Me and my child will not play second fiddle to the ex or anyone else. Maybe that's spiteful, but I'm at ease with that. I used to feel that I was owed an awful lot of apologies, but I don't care anymore. My husband and I are terribly happy and we're going to do our best to not let the nay-sayers hurt that.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 August 2007):
I think you are certainly right but unfortunately HE is one who needs to talk to all these people and tell them to back off and mind their own beeswax. He can still divorce his wife I think all states have no fault divorces now. Eventually they may give up but if they see that he has filed for divorce it might convince them to quit pestering you guys.
...............................
|
