A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had finally met him! The guy, the right guy. He was more than everything that I wanted, he was what I needed. We are both in our 30's and have been together now for over a year. While things are not always perfect, they are comfortable, safe and easy. We confide in eachother, talk openly about our fears, wants and our past. He had a son at 19, an unplanned baby who is now the most amazing kid. I met him after we had been dating for 4 months. We bonded quickly and have a great time on the weekends that he has him. He is a great father, a hard worker and a wonderful support system for me. So, why am I here? Over the last month somthing has gone wrong. He is withdrawing from me physically, we haven't had sex in a month. He is moving all of the furniture in the house from room to room, cleaning everything with-in an inch of its life and then cleaning it again. He is distracted and irratible and introspective. When we began dating he told me that he was not ready to get married, that he did not want to have a baby outside of a marriage again and that if it happened for him again he wanted it to be the right way the next time. I agreed that I would want to be married if I was to have a baby, but made it clear that I would want a family one day. He jokingly suggested that it would be 5 years before he thought about a marriage. I reponded that I did not have that much time and would not wait for him that long. Because his first baby was concived during a short lived realationship by someone that mislead him about her birth control practices he has always been very concerned about a second "mistake". We are careful and I always keep him aprised of my cycle. The amount of relife that he experiences each month that I have a period is kind of increadible. Getting me pregnant is his greatest fear. I was several days late a few months ago and we went through the home test thing - it was negative. He suffered so much from that experience I thought we might break up. He confessed then that he did not know if he wanted any more children. I was devistated. I asked if we were ending it. I begged him not to make me choose. He said that he was not saying he did not want babies, only that he did not know and said that I should calm down and not jump ship yet. So we went on...It is now six months later, we have stopped having sex and I didn't know what to do. I finaly got him to talk about what was going on. He confessed that he had had a dream that I was pregnant. We have several pregnant friends and he is starting to freak out. He said that he was trying decide what he wanted, that he knew it was not fair to keep wasting my time when I don't have all the time in the world to have the babies I want. I told him that I was thankful to know what was going on, I told him that I missed the sex and wanted it back, I told him that I didn't want to choose between him and family, I told him that I loved him and that he was the most amazing thing in my life. The next day he seemed to have had a weight lifted, he was lighter and happier. But we still havent had sex, we still have not found any answers and we are still in the same stuck place we were. Help...
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female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (29 March 2010):
 Knowing(3)people with the disorder I agree with the OCD suggestion 100%.
A
male
reader, weparley +, writes (29 March 2010):
Honestly, I think with you running around screaming for sex isn't helping the situation at all.
This man has been battered by scandaless ass women, mostly all his adult life. I really don't think you're fit for him. Let this man have peace and sort his life issue out. (You) on the other hand. Go find a new bf and start that family you desire. "Don't reduce yourself by thinking this is the one." "He's not!"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2010): I think Aunty E has a good point. This could be some sort of OCD that has gone unaddressed for about a decade. He was tricked into parenthood by some woman, and the experience has scarred him for life. From the moment he knew he was to be a father, he lost control over his life, and this stupid woman who wanted a kid so badly that she tricked him into it is to blame. Some hormone-ridden women out there have a "mistake" and end up pregnant, not caring at all about the guy. If you ask me, it's a twisted form of rape in a way. He looses control over his life, he had no say in this, and has to suffer the consequences of being naive when he was young. He trusted this woman and she deceived him.
Has he been through any counseling about this? How is his relationship with the boys mother? I fear that after a decade, and he is STILL struggling with this, there is no telling he will ever get over it. Or by the time he gets over it, it could be too late. You should not let his fears control you in the way they now do. You are NOT to tell him when your period is. He has to learn to trust you. If he can not trust you the relationship is on rocky grounds. As Danielepew wrote, this man twists pregnancy into sounding like something you would do out of wickedness towards him. Which clearly says everything you need to know about his attitude towards pregnancies and not to mention towards women in general.
Do not try to think about this as "what can I do to help him overcome his issues". No, you need to focus on YOU and what HE has to do for YOU. If he can not meet YOUR goals, it is best to let him go. He has to deal with his own issues himself. You did not create them, but he is still punishing you for what this woman did to him in the past. That is not fair. He needs to start trusting you. Believing in you. He needs to understand that you are not his enemy. Perhaps this can come with time, but believe it or not, trust is a choice. You can CHOOSE to trust someone, and you can choose not to. His trust was broken when he was 19, and he chose to never trust again. Is that really the type of man you want to spend the rest of your life with?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2010): as times are tough finacially these days for most people, as a guy i think that would be first in my mind, if all things are looking reasonably ok on the funds front the next issue would be his age, maybe he doesnt want to be an ould father when the child grows up, guys do think about a lot of things relating to family, for me financial reason would certainly be the one main reason not to have a child followed by the age, if ur in ur 40s do u reely want to have an 18yr old boy or girl at home by the time ur hittin ur 60s
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2010): If you want sex then go on birth control and have him use a condom and see if he goes for that. But, if what you want is a baby then I think you may have to move on. He doesn't seem able to handle any more.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (29 March 2010):
 Dear anonymous, I think it's easy to see why he isn't having sex with you anymore. He doesn't want kids, period. And, since he knows you want them, though he is not yet at the point where he would leave you, eventually he will.
I'm sorry to be this blunt but I think you need to see things clearly.
It is easy to see that he doesn't want kids. He told you that right away. You were hoping that eventually he would change his mind, but he hasn't; and things are becoming tense.
I think it's so bad that you have to look at a pregnancy like it's the end of the world. I find the monthly ritual kinda humiliating, and I mean for you. It would seem like your being pregnant would happen without his intervention, something you would do out of wickedness to throw him into a "mistake" again. I can at least say that he's finally doing what he has to do if he doesn't want babies, and that is abstain from sex. At least he isn't talking crap anymore.
I'm afraid you will never ever have a baby with this man, dear anonymous poster. It's time for you to think what you want from him, and whether the relationship is giving that to you.
Personally, I think you deserve better than this. Much better.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (29 March 2010):
 Once bitten , twice shy. Give him more space because he is still distrusting of women. Abstaining from sex is the safest way not to have children.He has some trust issues.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2010): He needs a psychotherapist.
If he finds the prospect of you pregnant debilitating I don't see you having his child EVER.
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A
female
reader, Auntie E +, writes (29 March 2010):
 Sounds to me like your BF is suffering from some sort of stress disorder (moving the furniture and cleaning within an inch of its life and then cleaning again). This screams OCD to me. This has noting to do with you and everything to do with him. He is very stress out right now and needs to seek treatment but I warn you he won't until he recognizes that he has a problem. Again this has nothing to do with you.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (29 March 2010):
 There's nothing like fear to take edge off your sex drive. He may be telling you that he hasn't ruled out the idea of more kids, but his body is screaming "no way." I suspect that he's hearing your biological clock, and the ticking is driving him away. My two cents -- hope I'm wrong for your sake.
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