A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Right i wrote here before regarding my alcoholic ex boyfriend who smashed my windows and how he was awful to me. well idiot me got back with him and he got worse and worse he has smashed every window in my house cut the sky cable and just been awful,he is in the cells and hel almost certainly go to jail for this but what i dont understand is whyu i feel guilty and sorry for him when i should be hating him,i know i dont wanna be with him but i cant help feel like ive played a part in all this when i know i havent really,all im guilty of is hoping he would change.The best of it is he had the cheek to phone me from the police station and left a message saying how sorry he is even though i know and he knows if he didnt get arrested he would have been back round to smash something else.SWhy do i feel guilty? does antone understand?
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female
reader, Auntie E  +, writes (3 April 2010):
 It is my sincere wish that you have learned from this and will be able to move forward in your life.
Never take this sort of guy on again. It will always end up the same. You deserve a man who treats you with dignity and respect.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou to everyone for your comments and particularly thanks to aunty e as i really have only been thinking of myself and not how it has affected others,i know i was stupid for going back to him after everything he did in the past but i think the best thing to do for my family is to stay away from him and get myself sorted out.Further to payment of the windows this will be paid by him through the courts (which is only right.It has been a learning curve let me tell you. Thanks again
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A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (1 April 2010):
 You already have said, your family is making it more worst to your feelings. the question is, Why are you still there? Look" theres only one thing more i can tell you. GO AWAY" GO leave the people who always hurting your feeling and always putting you down. why dont you leave them? either they are your family or not if they are keep hurting you why staying there? Go, leave them, and put a BIG wall around you that no body can come nearer to you. Close your door to all people who hurt you. By the way i did not say to fight back" No i did not, i only say leave them and live your life with peace and love. Never dream, stop dreaming that if you do more good things to them MAYBE they will be nice to you again, FORGET IT".. the more you will please them, the more they will hurt and turn you down. so" you have to choose, please THEM? or please YOUR SELF???????
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 April 2010):
Stop blaming yourself for this other guy's actions, and stop feeling guilty for him too. You're taking on a load of blame rather than address the issue of your self esteem.
Your family will blame you, because it's easier to blame you than him since he's not living in the house. So pay for the damage that he caused as a sign of good faith, and see a therapist about why you feel so low.
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A
female
reader, Auntie E +, writes (1 April 2010):
Please re-read what I told you the first time! Your family has every right to be upset with you! Look at what you've done! You took that drunk back again and look what he did to your mum's house!!! To answer your question specifically, no you are not to blame for his actions however you are culpable because you took him back! You ask specifically "what do I do?" Try getting a job and paying for the repair that that asshole did to your mum's house for starters. This will at least demonstrate to your family how truly sorry you are for what has happened. And listen to what I told you the first time - you have a problem with low self-esteem which is why all this happened in the first place. Make an appointment at the the mental health clinic sooner if not later with a therapist who can help you with this issue. Othewise you will keep picking the same sort of guy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRight well i feel even worse now because my whole family hate me and think im awful because i went back with him in the past after he smashed the windows,im not back with him now and i never will go back but i feel as though my family blame me for the situation because i live with my mum and thats where he does all the smashing they think that its my fault.. could they be right? should i feel to blame for his actions? i know i shouldnt have gone back with him in the past,i didnt go back with him out of spite. what do i do? further to the above he has been sent to jail thankgod for smashing the windows and im trying to build my life again but my family just seem to make me feel shitty.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (29 March 2010):
 You have been brainwashed by him .He made you feel guilty because you are the cause of his problems.You feel ashamed of what he has done .
He has distorted your self image and turned your strengths into weaknesses.You felt guilty because fundamentally ,you are a good person and your nurturing nature has been taken advantage off. You are not responsible for his actions.
You can see a counselor who will tell you that you did the right thing.
It is not your fault and you need not feel guilty about him.
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A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich +, writes (29 March 2010):
Your own emotion fail you. counsiling is not bad to visit sometimes, you have to learn how to trust your self, i have a feeling you are suffering with what they called low self esteem. You dont need that. put in your head, YOU ARE GOOD AS YOU ARE. and no body "NO BODY" has a right to manipulate you and hurt you physically emotionally. Honey im sorry to say this, but you better start loving your self, trusting your self.with that" you will realise you dont need to feel guilty for the things you should not. go far away and dont come back untill you have already a swords to fight back. Put a border around you and let No BODY hurt you again either its small things or big you dont deserve to get hurt. Be strong theres no body can really protect us 100% but only our self so be strong.
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A
female
reader, Auntie E +, writes (29 March 2010):
Make an appointment with a therapist. You have extreme low self esteem which is why you got back with awful BF in the first place. Try finding out what your deal is otherwise you will keep picking the same sort. Understand?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 March 2010):
For a woman to feel this way, even after all that she has suffered, usually indicated a serious lack of esteem.
Take a look at your life. Are you happy with it? Have you got low confidence, or low esteem? Do you feel like you need to be needed?
I think you're confidence is low, so you take on a man like this because you believe he will either change for you, in which case you're very special, or because you want to be needed by him. So you need to work on your confidence and really throw yourself into your own life. And please PLEASE don't take him back again, or it won't be long before he's hitting you instead of everything else.
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