A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some help. I was dating my BF for 6 months. He just broke up with me via email. Never had one single conversation about anything not working. Tells me I'm wonderful, amazing and he thinks we're just supposed to be friends... but won't talk to me in person or via the phone. This is the part that is making me completely crazy. Okay he wasn't feeling it for me, fine. I kind of felt like some things were missing too. But if he holds me in such high regard, why can't he give me the basic respect of sitting down and talking with me in person? or even calling and talking to me on the phone? I want to let him go, forget him and move on, but I'm wandering around my apt having imaginary conversations with him and it's making me nuts. How do I just forget him and get him off my brain? Seriously DO NOT WANT any psychology of relationships responses here. I've got a good handle on what went off track between us. I just want to understand why men who claim to hold you in high regard can't show you a little basic respect when they break up with you. I'm calm and rational and not the kind of woman to freak out on him. Why can't he face me? It makes me feel like he doesn't care about my feelings at all which makes his asking me to consider being friends completely confusing.ps. He 100% knows this sort of treatment would make me crazy, and make it 10x harder for me to move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone so much for your responses. I guess I know all of this, it's just nice to hear it from outside of myself. Tom I especially appreciate your POV from personal experience. Em & Cindy I really appreciate your honesty. Cindy... you are right. His actions clearly show that he didn't care about my feelings and so he's not worth my emotional energy. It helps me let go to hear others tell me he just didn't care.
Em, you are totally right about the quick end. That's what I'm seeking. I'm not longing for the good times, it's just when it's so abrupt it takes you a minute to switch gears. 2 weeks ago we had plans to go away for the weekend, now we're not even speaking. It's the respect thing that's hard. You want to believe when you share so much with someone that even if they don't see you as their match, they at least care about you enough to give you the respect of a graceful farewell. I was there for him through a really difficult time... it's a shock to realize he doesn't even care enough to man up for 5 minutes.
On the upside, since he's such a coward I get to keep a lot of his stuff he left here. :-) Thank you all for your support through a difficult time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2011): There are people who can't face rejection and there are people who can face others to reject them. It's common and normal. Same thing happen sometimes at jobs, they'll express youre such a good worker but you'll find a pink slip in your box at work. No meetings, no incidents....just another day at work but now a pink slip. What I'm trying to say is things happen and we can't change that, only deal with it appropriately and hope for better in the future. It's inappropriate to name call ur ex boyfriend. I'd rather be left in peace with respect than be used and cheated on. Consider yourself lucky, at least he didn't drag it on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2011): He met someone else so he need your relationship to go away quickly and quietly. It's the coward's way out but he figures it was a short relationship and you probably don't have a lot of mutual friends so an email was the easiest exit.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2011): he is a coward and you certainly dont need a coward in your life you need a real man who is not afraid to be honest with you go out and find this guy and have a great time doing it
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2011): Oh yea had this happen to me twice now... How can anyone who has been intimate with the other be so disrespectful though? I am still a little miffed when my ex two months ago dropped me like a hot brick - over a text. But I didn't take it personally, I knew he obviously had issues, as I did nothing wrong, he just wasn't ready to be in a committed relationship, in my opinion he was emotionally retarded even at 33. This guy of yours sounds immature, but more likely he is a coward, what a horrible thing to do, regardless of how long you have been with someone, it is really quite unforgiveable, they know you are wanting answers but don't give any explanation. You are going to have to move on and know that you are more than likely not the only one he has done this to. You deserve so much better :-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2011): I think its one of two things.either he didnt care enough in the first place,or he cares about you a lot but something is troubling him and he's too much of a coward to talk to you in person ? Anyone agree ? I went through the same thing recently.i'll write to you about it soon if you like.i find it helps to talk to people who have been through the same thing.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (10 September 2011):
 I guess nobody answered here yet because you specifically said you DON'T want psychological or relationship responses, but those are the only kind of responses that would explain why his did what he did.
Men do this because it is MAN behaviour...it's what they do (and they do it a lot) when they don't want to look like the bad guy.
He dumped you by e-mail, that says a whole lot about what he really thought of you (sorry but it does)
He doesn't want to think about your feelings because he can't deal with them, he doesn't want to because he just wants to do what he wants to do. He may feel some guilt and offering friendship is his 'cure of guilt', like
'Hey Im really a good guy, we can be friends'
when really he is saying ' You are no longer girlfriend material but maybe I can just keep you dangling for a while just incase I need some attention'
and you will think I am being a good guy'
Of course he may change his mind and so the 'friendship' thing acts like a bridge until HE decides what he really wants, but there is no guarantee he will ever come back or that he won't dump you again.
You also have to be real sure what he is doing in his absence from you. If he is hooking up with someone else, you could be waiting a long long time...but I get the feeling he doesn't want you to know, hence, he could be doing anything and hence it's going to drive you crazy!!
You are going to question it for a long time, you are going to replay each scenario in the hopes of a different outcome but it won't yeild answers because he isn't there and he doesn't want to talk to you...AND YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM!!! ARRRRGGGHHHHH frustrating isn't it!!!
You know what you have to do, you're a smart girl, you know you need to cut contact and get on with your life, but emotion, questions and longing for the good times keeps pulling you back.
I always say coping with a breakup is the choice between a short sharp kick in the nuts or a terminal illness.
You either deal with the intense mindbending pain all in one go and once it's gone it's gone or...
You let it engulf you for years and years and eat away at your life inch by inch until it destroys you slowly and without mercy.
The choice is yours.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 September 2011):
 Well, if he knew the silent treatment was going to drive you nuts and he did it anyway, then it sounds he actually did NOT care about your feelings, right ?
Maybe not like : I do not care at all, I don't give a f..k. But like : " I care moderately, I care up to the point where I don't have to inconvenience myself,and face anything so unpleasant and embarassing as any " closure " potentially is . There may be recriminations, displays of strong emotions, arguments, requests for a second chance that I'll have to reject, maybe even- urgh- tears.... All very uncomfortable stuff that I want to spare myself ".
The choice basically was between you feeling bad, and him feeling bad. He chose to protect himself.
As for the staying friends thing, I would not take it so literally, it's something that people says all the time routinely, it does not mean much more than " let's not be enemies ".
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male
reader, Tom Obler +, writes (10 September 2011):
 Only from personal experience, I wanted to break up with a girl for a while and felt guilty and sad because I felt she would be upest. I just wanted to do the deed and hide away. Also, I had never broke up myself before with a girl so didn't really know what to do. I just felt guilty, sad and took the cowards way out by hiding away. I didn't want to talk to her or explain things because I didn't want things to carry on and didn't want to simply say, "i'm not into you." That's my experience though and may not be the same as yours. Thanks.
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