A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 4.5 years and I'm starting to get really stressed out by the fact he wants sex all the time.I used to love having sex with him, but now I feel like that's his main focus and it's putting me off doing it at all. We only see each other twice a week due to work commitments, but when we do he wants sex straight away. I feel like I need a bit more effort first, like some cuddling or something so I can feel a 'closeness' first but he doesn't get it. His hands move to sexy areas within minutes of us sitting on the sofa and I feel like I'm constantly having to fight him off because I'm just not ready yet. However when I try to explain this to him, he gets insulted because he thinks I should be turned on straight away like he is. I sometimes end up feeling bad and having sex with him even if I'm not ready or in the mood.If I ever do tell him I don't feel like it, even if there's a good reason like last night when I was choked with the cold and feeling terrible, he keeps trying to fondle me and kiss my neck etc to try to change my mind. If I still say no, he says things like 'aw I'm all turned on now though' despite the fact I told him repeatedly from the start that I'm not in the mood. He then starts asking for oral or a handjob and looks so hurt if I say no.All of this is actually having the complete opposite effect and I don't want to have sex with him much at all now. I'm flattered that he's still so turned on by be after all this time, but he doesn't understand that it's not the same for me. I'm not just ready to go the minute I see him, and sometimes I'd just like a cuddle without him going straight for my boobs or bum.It probably helps to say that we've been having problems recently due to the fact we don't see each other much so that is probably adding to the way I feel.Has anyone been through this, and if so what did you do? I do love him and I don't think he means harm, he just doesn't understand that things are different for me and my attempts to explain hurt his feelings. He is 26 and I'm 27 if that helps.
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (27 December 2013):
 I think that this situation happens pretty often. Basically what happens is the guy gets more and more comfortable pushing for sex, and the woman rewards his pushing with sex. So after awhile, it's pretty natural that he feels he can push and push and push on you and it's OK in the end because he gets laid.
It is not constantly on your shoulders to "keep the peace" in your relationship. You don't need to spend so much time worrying you'll upset him. It is OK to upset him sometimes when he is doing things he shouldn't. He is upsetting you after all, why is the burden all on you? It's OK to be assertive and make him pouty, you are letting him wreck your sex life. Time to take back some control here and tell him firmly NO.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 December 2013):
 He is killing your libido and you are letting him.
Having sex when you are not in the mood because it's EASIER then telling him to freaking respect the fact that you are not in the mood 24/7 - or telling him that despite loving him and being attracted to him you do NOT have a lady boner the minute HE initiate sex. It's pretty detrimental to making him understand how you feel.
I would tell him that you LOVE the fact that he is so turned on by you all the time, but it makes you feel PRESSURED into having sex you don't really want. JUST because you have been together for XX amount of months/years doesn't mean you CAN NOT still get seduced or JUST sit and cuddle on the couch without it turning sexual.
I agree that he either doesn't understand what your are saying/feeling Or he just doesn't care, because HE wants sex and you are his GF so you should just PUT OUT.
This would be hard for me to accept. It's NICE to know you are desirable, but if he makes it feel like you are his walking blowup doll it's just no longer a turn on.
Maybe not go home with each other for a while?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2013): I agree with the other responder who said that he doesn't care. Or he cares a lot more about himself than he does about you; to the extent that he is not willing to compromise to make you happy and comfortable.You were ill and he was asking you for a blow job. Bloody hell, he has some cheek. He should have been offering you a cup of tea and offering to massage you and pamper you to bits!A high sex drive is not a bad thing. Being selfish to this extent is. I get the impression he doesn't care if you don't have sex with each other or whether he has sex with you. In the former instance, it's mutually satisfying while in the latter he is using your body for his gratification against your emotional and mental desire. In the former case you're a partner and the latter case you're an object.I don't mean to sound extreme but he does not sound like someone who would stay by your bedside should you find yourself ill for months on end if you are not able to have sex. He doesn't sound like a keeper.Also, he does not sound like he wants a deeper relationship. If you see each twice a week and you spend a good part of that time when are you really getting to know each other? 4 years of seeing each other twice mostly having sex in that time means that your relationship will reach a plateau if it hasn't already.My objective advice is he'll be a selfish partner that you can never really rely on to support you when you need it. He's not showing any signs of wanting anything more concrete either... He sounds like Mr Fun for Now. If you approach life with a short term in mind then you can keep trying to change him until you realise that you can't and move on to someone else. Or if you look at life in the long term then you'd cut to the chase and realise that this man does not care about what makes you happy.If he did care, he would not get pleasure from using your body when your heart is not in it.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (26 December 2013):
 One of the images that flashes through my mind when I hear of men like this is of a two year old boy crying because his mother won't breast feed him anymore.
OP, what your boyfriend has in common with a con man is they are both out for themselves. Where they differ is a con man will at least pretend to care about what you want. Your boyfriend's type is easier to spot and dispose of but that isn't because he is honest about his selfishness. It's because he just can't be bothered to make the effort to even pretend to care.
He doesn't care if you're sick. He doesn't care if you're tired or had a bad day or just not in the mood. He doesn't care.
You've already explained this to him and it hasn't worked because he doesn't care. Explaining it again or saying it differently won't make any difference. Because he doesn't care.
Four and a half years on and you're relationship has gone nowhere. You're paying too high a price for something you don't really want or need.
I say put a fork in this relationship because it's done.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 December 2013):
 I think I read in your submittal that this guy wants sex PRIMARILY as the function of your "relationship".... and you think that sex is amongst other/many aspects of a "relationship." You are correct, of course..... HOWEVER....
.... in defense of this guy.... you DID say that, in the early days of your's and his spending time together, sex was a big part of what you and he "did."... No????
Sooooo, what you must do, now, is reveal to him that that (sex) IS an important aspect of the relationship that you hope to continue with him.... BUT, you also have to reveal to him that YOUR priorities are somewhat different than HIS priorities..... and ask him (You're really TELLING HIM.... but I don't want to put it quite that way!)... to be a bit more constrained when you and he meet/rendezvous, because HE has his "sex meter" in overdrive.... and you are still warming up your's....
IF he reacts positively and appropriately... then you and he can adjust and make a good relationship..... IF he reacts inappropriately... (not as you wish)... then you will have found out that he doesn't understand you.... and, probably, doesn't understand "women"... and it will be best for the two of you to part ways.....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2013): I feel like I should add that we do go on dates too, I'm talking about when we get back to either of our houses.
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