A
female
age
36-40,
*eenadee
writes:he lives at home and ive suggested we buy a house but he says he wont because women are only after money and he would prefer to get his own, he doesn't ever want kids and i do, he never wants to get married because women steal the mans money. im not that type of person i have money of my own! i thought fair enough my mom and will help me buy my own place and when i went to get the house he told me he now wanted to get one with me. so the house that i wanted got sold and he told me a week after he doesnt want to buy one with me. i then wanted a new car and he tried to put me off saying it was a waste of money. i got pregnant by him twice and twice he said he didnt want it and his sister was telling him make sure she has the abortion quick else she'll start wanting it. my 21st birthday is coming up and he said he doesnt want to do anything even though ive been saying for a year i want to be on holiday for it but he says he needs to keep his days holiday at work.i dont want to be with him anymore but how do i tell him? i really need help because he doesnt know how bad i want to split up so if i just tell him out the blue he'll be devestated and even though he does what he does i dont want to hurt him.
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abortion, at work, lives at home, money, on holiday, split up Reply to this Question
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (5 July 2008):
 While you should ditch him and quick you also need to sort yourself out.
You got pregnant twice and had two abortions with the same man? Sometimes people are used because they allow it.
You need to take charge of your own life and not let others run it for you.
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (5 July 2008):
 I have to agree with duskyrowe, ditch him as your best 21st birthday present to yourself. He sounds like such a waste of space that words fail me. You are young and you have made some mistakes. The key now is to learn from them and walk away from this mess a wiser woman. Stop worrying about his feelings - it is ok to be nice, but not too nice!
Get your contraception under control so you don't keep having unplanned pregnancies and don't accept this bad behaviour from anyone who comes into your life...remind yourself what a special person you are and how you deserve to be treated right.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): Just tell him straight, what has he done for you to deserve a polite break up?
You are young and have ambition in life to make your own. Just tell him its over, and if he asks why tell him, don't waste your time on thinking about his feelings, he obviously has some issues, and the only way he can face them is to be told directly, and by the sounds of his family they don't. Go on holiday enjoy yourself with your mates and live.
Life is too precious to waste, you are the most important person - if you got on well it would be a different story and some sensitivity would be appropriate. I hope you have a fab 21st :)
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (4 July 2008):
 Oh my God I have read quite enough!!!! Get rid of this WASTE OF SPACE!!!!! He is making it clear that he does not want a future with you, he makes you have two abortions, he won't celebrate your 21st birthday.
The best birthday present for you will to get rid of this LOSER!!! Go on holiday with your friends and leave this miserable old b**tard to stew in his own juices. Have a ball on your birthday, its not everyday you are 21 my love, go get drunk have fun and let me know that you had a BLAST or I will be having stern words with you YOUNG LADY ;D. xxxx.
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A
female
reader, Khandi  +, writes (4 July 2008):
 I think it is great that you dont want to hurt him , but it seems that he pretty much has that covered all of the decisions that he makes about the relationship is basically to keep him from getting hurt, maybe you should let him know that you asnd he dont want the same things, you want to get married, he does not, you want to have children he does not, you want to vacation he does not, you want to be a home owner he does not, it seesm as though he is the one controlling the do's and dont's of the relationship it is liek he decides what is acceptable and what is not. sonds like he is also the one to try to decide if yall shold break up or not, he sounds more concerned with how he feels adn what happens to him than he is than what happens to you, he may not be as devestated as you think, or maybe he will becuse you got to break up with him before he broke up with you, this is crazy becuse reguardless of if youbreak it to him nicely or bluntly he still wont like it, loosing the control that is. sis i wish you good luck. gald to see that you can clearly see that he is not the one for you.
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (4 July 2008):
 I'm baffled that you want to spare this jack-ass's feelings. Good grief, get a backbone, kick him to the curb! Why are you tollerating this? Great guys exist, and you are wasting your life on him? He is rediculously obvious about not being serious about you, and YOU want to let HIM down easily?! When I got pregnant the 1st time, the daddy was a shovanist pig (like yours), and I dont believe in abortion, so I told him, hey, I will raise MY kid, on my own, wether you want him or not! And I did. Glad, too, baceause the real love of my life is now 6 years old and makes me feel more loved than anyone. My point is, you are behaving like a doormat, and he is controlling you. Don't worry about his feelings sweetheart, he hasnt worried about yours all this time!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): What an awful, awful, man!
It appears that he has never cared about hurting you. You must stop your association with this selfish, controlling, person! Nobody deserves a boyfriend like that-- had you go through TWO ABORTIONS??!!! You need to start putting yourself first. A little hurt will do him good, whereas being with him is destroying you.
Stop taking his calls. Plan to go on a good long holiday with good friends, and without him. Do not tell him where you are going. Then, write him a letter explaining that you're sick of his flipflopping, that you and he have no goals in common, it's not going to work out, and to stop contacting you, for your own sake. Mail it on the way to your trip, and have a good time!
Be prepared when you get back for some blubbering and promises to change on his account. He won't change, so you must be strong and resist him when he suddenly becomes charming again. If you can cut off cold turkey from seeing him for a month, it will be easiest for you (and him, if you persist in thinking about his welfare.)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): There is never an easy way to break up with someone - you just have to grit your teeth and do it, and remain strong in the face of tears, begging or pleading.
I suggest that you just tell him that things are not right between the two of you, that you feel that the things you want to get out of life are too different for it to work and that, for both your sakes, it's time to call it quits and move on.
Even though you don't want to hurt him, it sounds like staying with this guy is hurting you, and will continue to do so. He's holding you back from progressing with your life (missing out on a home and a car for a start) because he doesn't want to progress with his. He is threatened by the fact that you are obviously more able to grow, progress, change and succeed, and is actively sabotaging you from doing so. I also suspect that while he is quite vocal about women just being out for money, he seems quite keen for you not to spend any of yours - could it be that he wants your money in his pocket and supporting him?
Leave him to wallow in his pit of misery! Take the bull by the horns, ignore any promises of change (think about losing that nice house you wanted if you start to weaken and need a reminder of how he'll do this to get his own way) and kick this loser out of your life. Then go after your goals and enjoy the fruits of your labour, free from this little cloud of doom!
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