A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I have been having problems. We have talked about going to see a couselor but everytime I go to make an appointment he says we are fine and dont need one.My real concern right now is, I found out today that he has been texting his female co worker for almost a week. Problem? its all day every day. I work during the day and he works over night. His co worker works in the morning and is apparantly off at 2:30 everyday(so when the texting begins) Since he works nights he usually sleeps during the day but I have been coming home to him sleeping and telling me he was up all day so he wants to sleep til he has to go into work, or if he gets up he is really really grumpy. Last night I confronted him about a phone number that I found on our phone logs(3 hours worth of constant texting) and he told me it was this co worker, he said she was having problems with her boyfriend and wanted advice. mind you, my fiance is 30 and she is 18(he says), I have never met the girl. Well, okay he's helping the girl out all fine and well. Curiosity killed the cat tonight though when I checked the phone records again. they texted 150 texts yesterday. the day before that she texted him at 1:30 in the morning (his night off) he was sleeping so he didnt respond. As I go back further on the bill, I find that they litterally talk all day long. And one night they talked from 2:30p.m to 2:30 in the morning while he was at work. I confronted him about this and he thinks it is not a big deal. I asked him to please out of respect for me to quit talking to her. That didnt go over to well because he said I am insecure about this and he is allowd to have friends. Yes, I dont care if he has friends...he has plenty of female friends that I have met and I dont care, but what gets me is he said he told her they needed to cool it, and she is fine with it b/c "shes cool like that" i asked to meet her then since she was playing a bigger part in his life than i knew about and he told me "no, because i prefer to keep my home life seperate from work life" and when i told him if he considered her a friend that was personal and didnt know why i couldnt meet her, and he said if they were hanging out it would be different.now, am i going over board with this or do i have a reason to be upset? I feel like all of his time and effort is going towards her, and he doesnt really care how i feel about it. but if it were me doing all of this he openly admitted he wouldnt be happy about it, and thats when he told her they needed to cool it, but still wont let me meet her.and advice? please
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 December 2010):
 I believe splitting a household in two and child support for a 4 year old child will be FAR FAR more expensive than couples' counseling, so that argument doesn't wash. I think we have a mutual utter lack of respect for the other here and this is beyond the scope of the site.
Go get professional help. The thread is being closed now to prevent a flame war.
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (10 December 2010):
 Ok, for a male perspective.
Alright, since there is more than on OP, I'm going to call the female FOP and the male MOP.
FOP, you do have some reason to be concerned. That behavior is sketchy, but also not reason to be freaking out so badly. I think the problems here are much deeper.
MOP, you didn't do yourself any favors in your attempt to explain yourself. Instead of bashing people, you should focus on yourself and showing us you're not an ass hole. Well, you were incapable of this, so you're not going to see much by the way of love coming your way. However, I will trust you are both being honest in your posts. Her signing up for a dating site is also a violation of trust. You said there are two sides to every story. Actually, that's incorrect there are three sides. There's your side, FOP's side, and the truth.
Both of you need help greater than this site can offer. Any man who has such a negative view of women as you demonstrate MOP is very unlikely to listen and take his partner's feelings into account. FOP, your distrust comes from your own history of doing things to violate the trust of your relationship together.
Councelling may be expensive, but there are alternatives. Are you religious? Pastors or priests often serve as marriage councellors free of charge. Rather than saying you can't afford it, look into affordable alternatives. They are out there if you look.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (10 December 2010):
 So you hijack your fiance's post?
Maybe this is a case of the pot calling the kettle black. But, why is she saying that you refused to let her meet your friend, when apparently you would ask your friend's opinion? Are you saying she's twisting your words? Then, she's talking to other guys in a sexual nature, and you've asked her to stop but she hasn't. But it's ok for you to turn around and talk to this chick all day long, to even the score? I believe there's a lot more to the story than you're letting on.
With all confusion aside, what steps are you taking to try to improve this relationship with your fiance? It's not a good idea to get married with all these trust issues in the air. Post pone the engagement. Work on compromising, and trusting one another. If that means not talking to the opposite sex for a while then so be it. Concentrate on fixing your relationship, giving the attention it needs.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (10 December 2010):
First off I applaud you for taking a proactive approach and seeking couples counseling. However, both have to agree to go and keep an open mind about it. Rather a shame that he is refusing to go, without giving it a chance to work on your relationship when you 2 are engaged to be married. I would call that Red Flag #1.
He's excessively talking to this female "friend" of his..I find it a little funny that you have met the rest of his female friends but he's keeping you from meeting this one. Then he's being a hypocrite and trying to play it off like it would being mixing business with pleasure. In which, he's already doing. I doubt their texts from 2:30pm-2:30am are strictly work related. Now, that's Red Flag #2.
Really, if he doesn't let you meet this work friend then I would be calling him out on it. Pointing out that you have met his other female friends, that he can't even respect you wanting him to tone down their texts, that he is mixing business with pleasure, and why he won't go to couples counseling when you believe you guys need it. I'd then proceed to call off the engagement because it's clear he's hiding something. After that, I'd take time away from him to sort this out. Why get married to a man you can't trust? Or if that's too confrontational for you, I'd tell him it's completely over.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok ladies,,before yall put on your doc martens and camo lip gloss and march on washington doing your militant man bashing thing,grab a razor and shave your underarms and get both sides of the story! Its not all me in this one,,and yes this would be the fiance talking if yall could look away from this months man hating copy of womans world long enough to hear me out while i admit the texting was really excessive,and yes i admit it,, i also know that it was all innocent! I have no ambition to start life all over again with an 18 yr old,,especially not when i have my 4 yr old daughter to think about! As far as her meeting her,,i didnt say no,,i said id ask her if she wanted to,,im not gonna just ambush her by bringing my fiance up there! If she said no,,i would tell her we couldnt be friends because it wouldnt be fair to my fiance. And while on the subject of friends of the opposite sex,,while yes i did voice my displeasure of her having guy friends in the beginning of our relationship ,,ive seen then realized its not right to ask her to give that up, and told her i wouldnt have a problem with her talking to her guy friends, as long as the conversation was kept civil! I dont talk to my friend like that,,think i deserve that much also. She has 2 guys that i have told her i dont want her talking to because the conversation always turns to a sexual nature! Am i wrong for that? Also when all she does is bitch and complain about everything,,and i mean everything,,of course im gonna distance myself from her. Its been unbearable being at home, so ive turned my attention to work,where i get along with everyone and the only bitching i hear is how i make everyone else look by by the excellent work i do. And as for the counseling,its not that were fine,,we cant afford it. Its not like its cheap,,and we have kids to take care of! It might cost more in the long run if we dont get it, but its not feasible at this time! This other stuff going on is nothing compared to what i deal with. So before we all get arm and arm and sing the latest rendition of I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR, lets get both sides of the story. P.S. ask her about the dating e-sites i found her registered to AFTER we moved in together? Dont we have a picture perfect relationship people?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): I agree. He is giving her far too much attention. You are his fiance and you should come first. If she has boyfriend problems, why talk to a man? Surely it would be better for her to talk to a female friend?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 December 2010):
 The RED FLAG here is the fact he said no when you asked to meet her. If they are just friends, why is he saying now? He is emotionally withdrawn from you. You need to decide what you are prepared to accept from him in this relationship.
If it were me I would be asking him to decide if she is a friend, which would mean he would be happy to introduce his fiance (YOU) to her, or if she is more.
If he still pussy foots around you'll have his answer. That's when I would be packing up and walking out.
I hope this works out for you.
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A
female
reader, Maria333  +, writes (10 December 2010):
You have every reason to be upset and feel insecure. Men like him will go on further and try to undermine your confidence too. He wouldn't like it if it was 'you' that had such a close relationship with another man at work, would he? you need to have a heart to heart talk. Arrange a time to have a drink and stay calm and don't accuse him of anything, just say that you feel a bit left out and you love him and with his recent actions you feel a bit left out. Don't criticize him or he will block you out totally. you need to be smart and soften him up a bit and get closer to him. If he has any conscious and love you as much as you love him then he might think twice about this and put a stop to it. Beware that he might start a fight just to avoid this, you must be smarter and calmer than him to not break down any more bridges. hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): He is definately up to something if they talk that much and he won't even introduce you two. This makes me mad just reading this. Please don't marry this guy you will be making a big mistake.
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A
female
reader, mysticpurple +, writes (10 December 2010):
Hi there
No wonder your feeling hurt he spends most of his time giving his attention to someone else, I think you already know the answer.
It could be that hes just giving his ego a rub or hes moving on either way this cant go on for much longer for your sanity its unfair on you.
There must be problems in your relationship if you are considering counselling what you have to decide is wether its all worth hanging on to or just moving on with your life and in time finding someone whose is better suited to you :)
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