A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and myself have been having sex for the past one year. During this time I never experienced an orgasm. I want him to enjoy sex for which I take the initiative in doing things which he likes. Our sex usually lasts 5 mins. He starts fondling me for about a min or so after he is fully aroused and immediately penetrates me and finishes off with his orgasm. My problem is that i do not feel anything during this time. I have read that most women does not attain orgasm by just penetration. Is that why I am lacking orgasm or any arousal? Through my friends I learnt that most of them attain orgasm or feel good when their partners fingers them and most of the time their partners see to it that they are aroused and feel good. But my husband has never fingered me or touched my clitoris in this past one year. He is a cleanliness freak and I guess he doesnt want any fluids on his hand. Also he is not bothered that I am not aroused. He watches porn movies and masturbates often which make me feel that may be I am not satisfying him. I have tried talking to him about this matter but he replied that it is due to my lack of sexual desire that I dont feel anything and that it does not effect him and does not matter to him that I am like this. He says that he cannot do anything about the fact that I do not get aroused and that I have to develop it or maybe I will learn after sometime. He advised me to watch porn movies but I am not comfortable with the idea.Please advise what should I do ? Is this happening because as he says really I am lacking of sexual desire. Am I over reacting to the situation? I love him so much and really want to be happy with him while having sex .
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): Well, the posting by " anonymous, writes (19 November 2010):" perfectly sums up this whole sad situation. How eloquently she clarify s the points of ' obsessive behaviour' of her husband, with regards to his porn addiction, to the unnatural non-desire for normal loving tender sex ( licking and fingering is normal)
This woman has completely wasted her life married to such a man...and she knows it, and states that herself.
Unfortunately she too has ended up as dysfunctional in her needs for human connection, almost becoming a clone of the man that has spent 11 years with. MEN like this DON'T CHANGE these problems are not down to inexperience or naivety, as some replies suggest on here. These are problems of damaged people.
So to the ORIGINAL POSTER: I hope you take note of this, and really consider what the future holds for you, as like most of us here, we cannot understand WHY you are attracted, let alone love such a man. Perhaps you have BOTH damaged to a degree, and hence the attraction was formed, but YOU can clearly help yourself to move on from this man, if you don't your life will surely become VOID of all human LOVE, tenderness, bonding deeply emotionally, ever knowing what if feels like to give and feel love with an equal.
QUOTE from a " FEMALE anonymous, writes (19 November 2010):"
Another otherwise promising guy ruined by porn. Another one bites the dust. The irony is that men and women all jump on the bandwagon defending porn as if it is a catalyst for connection between real men and real women... when all it has done is destroy lives. It keeps people dysfunctional and sadly... alone in this world.
Porn is the selfish man/woman's sex high. They have sex with themselves and a 2d computer image. How romantic. The high this creates is from the images, how they are created, the impulses (light and other things) and the high it creates in the brain. Some delude themselves into believing it is sex they are addicted to, when it is really a neurological addiction that uses sexual imagery. Whatever the case, it fries brains... creates a dissociative disorder... and prevents bonding emotionally/sexually. It takes away intimacy, emotion, closeness, and connection. If there is a cancer for male/female sexuality porn is surely it... it is the crystal meth of sex. " THIS WAS AN EXCELLENT POSTING, and accurate, NOT an overly emotional point of view. She is spot on!
Please, please consider ALL this advice as you still have time to save yourself!
Jilly
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (20 November 2010):
 Oh dear.
Can you explain to us WHY you "love him so much" when he clearly doesn't care particularly about you?
Either get a divorce or get a lover because it is not going to get any better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): This is sad. This is exactly what I have been going through. My husband, from the very beginning of our marriage, told me the same thing he told you, that it was my fault I didn't desire him enough to orgasm. I have been married to him for eleven years. I have had no sex since my husband became impotent two years ago, and I have had no favors from him ever. I still give him oral sex because I can't live without some amount of closeness to a man. It never got better; it got worse. It's actually boiled up to the point that I almost HATE him.
I got a few sex toys a while back, and I use those to masturbate, but it seems hardly enough. Women want more than orgasm. They want something mutual.
My husband loved watching porn when we got married, so long as it didn't show a man fingering or licking a woman. Unlike the majority of men, he thought it was gross. Still, I'm sure he isn't gay. I hated porn at first, but now I look at it quite often just so I can imagine being with someone else. I CANNOT fantasize anymore about having great sex with my husband. My imagination just cannot take me that far.
I think my husband has a selfish, immature, obsessive crush on me and it never developed to the love stage. Although he says he loves me all the time, he doesn't know what love is.
I don't think your husband loves you, either. Carefully consider having children with him because that will tie you down in this bad relationship even more.
Although I love my kids, I wish I had left my husband when this started.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 November 2010):
 ps. if he doesn't want the fluids on his hands you should teach him about something called water and soap. Or have him wear cloves.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): Another otherwise promising guy ruined by porn. Another one bites the dust. The irony is that men and women all jump on the bandwagon defending porn as if it is a catalyst for connection between real men and real women... when all it has done is destroy lives. It keeps people dysfunctional and sadly... alone in this world.
Your husband is screwed up... he got himself that way through porn use... Porn is the selfish man/woman's sex high. They have sex with themselves and a 2d computer image. How romantic. The high this creates is from the images, how they are created, the impulses (light and other things) and the high it creates in the brain. Some delude themselves into believing it is sex they are addicted to, when it is really a neurological addiction that uses sexual imagery. Whatever the case, it fries brains... creates a dissociative disorder... and prevents bonding emotionally/sexually. It takes away intimacy, emotion, closeness, and connection. If there is a cancer for male/female sexuality porn is surely it... it is the crystal meth of sex... it fries people and renders them shells of who they could have been. Jerking off to images becomes the best thing going... it is one of the most pervasive destructive forces tearing down couples and families there is today. Men are reduced to fondling themselves and doing away with what it really means to be men... and then, of course, there are the women who are equally disturbed cheering them on. Hoping to get in their good graces... misery loves company, after all.
Having said that, he is using sex to basically jerk off with your body. I've been there and done that in my marriage to a porn addict. I took my body away from him... If a man is using his marriage vow as an instrument of harm ... he gets none. Put my foot down and demanded change from him. I wasn't going to be married to a weirdo and would not allow my body to be disgraced. God put me on the face of this earth for much more than that.
Take your body back. If all he needs is porn and his hand then let him set up housekeeping with his hand and his stash of porn and wish him good luck. Leave him... or kick him out. Let him take his sickness seriously enough to go into sex addiction counseling with someone who specializes in this problem. Do not allow him to defile you as a woman any further. That is unforgivable of him.
As for being able to orgasm through penetration.... I'm here to say that it is totally possible as I have experienced this... however foreplay was involved... even if it were short in duration...
When my husband became a porn freak... he was no longer the lover he used to be. When we first met.. he was the best lover I had ever known... only to be reduced to a sixty second man... He used to connect with me... .look at me... touch me... After porn he closed his eyes... going entirely into himself until he got his rocks off. I basically told him to go F himself full time and not to bother involving me in HIS sex life any further... until he got help.
After going through hell and back he got help ... grew a heart and a conscience... and while he is still damaged... is trying to emerge a semblance of who he used to be.
Addicts will always tell those around them that they have control over the use of the substance... that it isn't a problem... that it hasn't affected them... that it is everyone else's problem... that it is just for fun/recreation... there are a million excuses every addict makes. The harder they promote porn as benign... the more of an argument they are making that they are addicts. Plain and simple.
You did not give your body through the sanctity of marriage to be used for your husband to abuse as a place to masturbate. You are not required to fulfill a marital vow that has been broken.
I wonder when men will call upon themselves to step up to the plate and to do something to raise men up from the ashes... Men need to take a stand and do the right thing by the women and children... Porn is nothing other than male sexual gluttony and abuse.
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1  +, writes (19 November 2010):
Fun fact: Men are often ready for sex in less than one minute. Most women need upward of 20 minutes!Right now, your husband isn't giving you enough time to mentally and physically prep for sex, which leaves you unsatisfied.He needs to take a better interest in you and less interest in his porn and filling his sexual needs. I think he needs to really recapture the beauty that sex represents, because right now its just a tool of release for him.Couples with a healthy sex life often engage in a lot of foreplay; fondling, kissing, holding, dry humping, rubbing, light oral, massaging, etc to get the blood flowing and set the mood. Like I said, he may be ready in a minute, but the female clitoris takes much more precision and time to become fully erect.Its not your fault that you don't experience that sexual urge, for the most part its actually his fault. He needs to meet your needs like you have been meeting for him. He needs to give your body the attention, and most essentially, the time it needs to prepare for sex.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (19 November 2010):
 When you say you don't feel anything, do you mean no sexual excitement, not enough or you REALLY do not feel anything at all?
Provided you do feel something, then the problem is most likely that people need time. Time to get aroused and only then it starts to feel good.
The reason for this is simple, if a mere touch of our genitals was always to get us excited, we would be in constant heat just from the friction of our clothes. Circumsized men wouldn't be able to walk an inch.
Excitement is not just an X amount of time spend touching parts of the body, it is a state of mind.
So, in a way he is right. If you don't feel desire (in your mind), you are unlikely to feel it (in your body). But to get that feeling of desire it often a sense of calm, trust, love. If you expect a minimum of touching and then a 5 minute bang and that is it, your mind just don't want to bother.
For people who care for each other, this shouldn't be an issue. Yes, men who are inexperienced can come fast, but 5 minutes is enough provided the woman is ready. Mentally and physically. You are not. So you don't feel anything anymore then you feel when you are wiping after a toilet visit (unless women have a secret reason to go to the toilet so bloody often).
He apparently seems to get his sexual knowledge from porn movies. But they aren't reality, porn actresses get paid to do it. And a lot of movies apparently want to create the fantasy of women who are clearly not enjoying it. But if you don't know any better, then this idea that woman are instantly ready can be hard to fight.
Women, for that matter a lot of men, need more then a quick bonk. Either he doesn't care or he doesn't know. If he doesn't care, well then that sucks but you can't make someone care.
If he doesn't know any better. Well, you are from India, get some decent porn, the Kama-sutra. It deals with sex, all of it including plenty of fore-play. Change the porn he watches. Re-educate him about sex. But there might be culture conflicts that I couldn't even begin to guess at.
If you really want to know if there is an issue with you, take the equipment for a test drive. Masturbate. If this is against your fate or something, you don't need to go all the way, just see if when you are relaxed, say during a bath and you start touching slowly, does it feel different, better. If so, then you are just like most women, slower then a man to become aroused.
Oh and when masturbating, women can come in minutes. Slower is extremely relative.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): WHY EVER DID YOU MARRY THIS MAN???
He is clearly dysfunctional emotionally and sexually, and tries to blame you for his own inadequacies!
I quote from your question:
"He is a cleanliness freak and I guess he doesnt want any fluids on his hand. "
"Also he is not bothered that I am not aroused. He watches porn movies and masturbates often which make me feel that may be I am not satisfying him. I have tried talking to him about this matter but he replied that it is due to my lack of sexual desire that I dont feel anything and that it does not effect him and does not matter to him "
" He says that he cannot do anything about the fact that I do not get aroused and that I have to develop it or maybe I will learn after sometime. He advised me to watch porn movies but I am not comfortable with the idea."
I HAVE COPIED THIS BACK as I want you to really THINK about what you have said, as everything you say about this man, INDICATES he is seriously LACKING any emotional bonding skills along with a serious LACK of physical/love making skills - I would be VERY HAPPY for you to show him my reply as I'm 100% confident in my reply.
He is demonstrating some really poor connection qualities, as well as some (OCD problems) ' Obsessive compulsory disorder, cleanliness is one of these, it is a treatable condition, but HE would have to admit to it, to himself first, but of course he's not going to do that.
Normal men LOVE doing all the things your husband seems unable or does NOT care do, because he is very selfish man.
This watching of porn and masturbating, where he has no emotions at all involved with just a clinical release is NOT healthy, as seems unable to tenderly spend time AROUSING YOU and making love to you, he uses your body like some ' Human masturbation tool ' where you are left wanting, feeling empty, unloved and worse still - feeling it's your fault.
Please be ASSURED this is NOT YOUR FAULT!
I feel you are one of life's ' People Pleasers' where you lack confidence and don't ASK for you want, or TELL a man if he's NOT treating you well, the latter is evident, as I say, I cannot see why you ever married him, god, what qualities does this man have that you love?? he sounds so selfish and self obsessed that I doubt he even buys gifts, send birthday cards, ever gets you flowers, takes you away for a weekend, nothing, than any normal, loving man would do every so often for his wife.
Please think about this marriage you find yourself in, and please TRY to take more control of what you want IN and OUT of bed, you are not some commodity for him to use and NOT care about whether you're aroused or not - that is appalling.
Please take care and perhaps get some outside professional advice.
Jilly
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (19 November 2010):
Your husband is selfish in bed, that is the reason why you aren't enjoying it. It is HIS job to please you and make sure you enjoy it. It is not something you merely learn on your own. Actually, one part is your own responsibility, the other is his responsibility, and the third part to make you feel good is practice and getting to know each other and developing together.
You should try masturbating and learn how to bring yourself to an orgasm. Then teach your husband. He needs to use a lot more time with foreplay, and also he needs to learn how the female body works.
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A
male
reader, ivanichiaynus  +, writes (19 November 2010):
 It is NOT your fault.
Your husband is a poor pathetic excuse for a lover and has no idea how to arouse you, nor does it seem as if he cares.
I have lots of answers for you which would hi-jack all of DC's space if I were to relate them here so if you care to PM me I will do my best to help you.
At the moment you are just being used as a sex toy, an additional masturbatory aid!
Ivan.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (19 November 2010):
 This is not your fault. Your husband has a serious lack of understanding of female sexuality if he thinks a bit of fondling before quick sex will do it for you. He's being extremely selfish in his refusal to even try and then blaming you. Porn is the ONLY place this sort of sex would get a woman off. I can't remember where I heard this, but someone once said men are like microwaves, women are like slow-cookers. Have you ever masturbated? It will help you to better enjoy sex if you know how to please yourself. If you can't even please yourself, it will be impossible to tell someone else how to do so. Your husband is being very selfish if he refuses to even touch you. If can, you can try to guide his hands to where you want them.
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