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He says he can't predict how he will feel in the fututre

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 September 2018) 6 Answers - (Newest, 17 September 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I’ve been with my bf for 6 months it’s all going well we love each other a lot and planning on moving in in a month. He’s 30 and only had a handful of short term relationships (9 months max - he’s a commitment phobe and has never felt previous girlfriends were right for him) and he’s never loved anyone, or introduced anyone to his family (I’m meeting them in a few months) I am in effect his first love and he tells me how he adores me all the time. I’m a bit insecure from past relationships and sometimes we end up talking about our future and he says that he loves me and has never felt this way about anyone before nor as he ever been in this situation, he knows how he feels now and he wants a future with me but he can’t predict how he’ll feel in the future as he’s never been in this position before, he said he hopes this doesn’t happen but he could just wake up one day and feel it’s not right anymore, he hopes he won’t but he doesn’t know because all these feelings are new to him.

This makes me feel really worried that it could happen... I’d be so upset... I don’t know how I feel about this..?

View related questions: insecure

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (17 September 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntThis is the thing with life, none off us know how we are going to feel down the line. You could be the one in a few months finding yourself not as interested any more. That is the thing with relationships nobody can tell the future. He is voicing how he feels and he is being honest with you because well this is all new to him. That is all that you can ask from him really is honesty. Don't let this hold you back because nothing is guaranteed in life so just live for the moment and enjoy where the relationship is going. Try not to over think the future or it will drive you mad.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (15 September 2018):

N91 agony auntWhat’s to stop you waking up one day and not feeling the same way anymore? Are you trying to say that you’re 100% guaranteed to love him for the rest of eternity but he’s not just because of his past?

This is a risk that absolutely EVERYBODY takes when it comes to love, not just you. We live in the here and now and right now he says he loves you so why worry about what’s down the line when nobody can forecast whats coming? Either enjoy the present and see what the future brings or break up and find someone else you seem more ‘reliable’ if there’s such a thing.

He tells you all the time how he feels about you and you’re still insecure? I’m not sure what else he can do. If he shows it in his actions also then I’d say you’ve bagged a good guy and you need to switch on before you self sabotage your relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2018):

I am pretty sure you have wrote in and voiced this concern before...

I would also question his words because surely if you know someone is the one why would you think it's possible to wake up one day and think different?

Just be who you are, don't try to be something you are not and worry about if it will work or not. You have your doubts 'he is a commitment phobe' somehow his love isn't matching his words though and you are doubting. Six months is nothing in the grand scheme of life so don't rush into things, date and be YOURSELF, don't mould yourself to be what you think he wants. He will settle with you if you are the right person for him AND vice versa

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (14 September 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntIs it not also entirely possible that YOU could wake up one day and decide HE is not right for YOU? Harsh as his words may sound to you, he is just being honest and realistic. NOBODY can guarantee how they will feel in the future. Love is all about taking that leap of faith and risking it all for what you hope will be.

My only word of caution would be that you take things a bit slower. Professing you both love one another such a short time into the relationship is a bit rushed and premature (in my opinion). Love grows when you go through hard times together, when you support each other, when you show each other in words AND deeds how important you are to each other. It does not happen overnight. It is not about lust and physical attraction. It is about shared values and shared life goals.

Dating is all about "trying before you buy". He rejected previous girlfriends because he truly felt they were not right for him. Few of us fall lucky the first time. Most of us get it wrong many times before we find the person we feel is right for us.

I also believe that long term relationships/marriages are as much about timing as they are about meeting the right person. If we meet someone who is right for us but we are not at a stage in our life where we feel ready to settle down, then it won't work out. Your boyfriend is now 30 and probably feels ready to settle down.

Give him the benefit of the doubt. Don't judge him on HIS past or YOUR past. It is said that, when we meet the right person, we understand why previous relationships didn't work out. Take that leap and MAKE it work.

Wishing you both all the best.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2018):

Your boyfriend is obviously inexperienced in relationships. So, of course he doesn't know how he's going to feel down the line. But you know what? Neither do you! Nor does anybody! It's just that your boyfriend is honest enough to say so.

My husband proposed to me before we even went out, even though we had been friends for fifteen years.

After going out for a week, he proposed again. I said, 'If I still feel the same way after three years, yes'. And I did. And we got married.

He didn't get insecure about it, he just waited. He could have changed HIS mind before the three years were up! We were happy and we had a good time together, which is why I still wanted to marry him three years down the line. You CAN have an effect on how he feels, however, by having fun with him and practising being a happy and secure individual. Not someone who punishes him with moods and insecurity for being honest.

When we start going out with each other, we CANNOT predict that we will feel the same way FOR EVER. That's why I've never believed in the marriage vows, which are promising each other that you will always feel the same way, because NO-ONE KNOWS THAT THEY WILL. Feelings aren't something to be stapled to a wall and told to stay put and stay the same. We all have the capacity to change our feelings. This is a risk we ALL take when starting a relationship with someone.

I find your boyfriend's comments far more genuine and loving and honest than someone whispering sweet nothings that don't mean a thing. He also says that he hopes that this doesn't happen, but that he doesn't know. I think that's the best you can get. Someone who is prepared to be honest about something that we all know to be the case.

The fact that he tells you all the time that he adores you, is the to be concentrating on, rather than worries about the future which no-one can predict!

Good luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2018):

Try not to focus too much on that and just see what happens. I would worry if he showcases he's not committed to you. And if I were you I would wait a bit longer and see how things are progressing between you two before moving in. You should wait and see how things develop because you don't want to find yourself in a predicament where he becomes commitment phobic. Give it time and get to know each other some more before rushing anything. If he can show you that he's in it for the long haul.

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