A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My bf and I started dating about 4 months ago. We were in a LDR where we would see each other one weekend a month (we had a previous long distance friendship for about a year).One month ago he came to visit me... and since he has gotten a job in my city he's staying (forever?). Two months ago, when me mentioned the possibility of moving together, I told him that I do not want to live together before marriage. And there he is... we were supposed to get married within one year, but I am starting to have my doubts. I remember the day he moved in, he was farting in front of me like he didn't care, I take it as lack of respect towards me, especially since we haven't been together for so long. At the beginning he paid for half the shopping, but he eventually run out of money before he got a job and I have been paying for shopping for two weeks nonstop. He promise he would help me pay for food or my bills when he could, but he got some money over the course of these two weeks, and he spent in on either food for himself (we do not eat lunch together) or superfluous stuff. Since he moved in, my expenses have multiplied by a factor of 7 (I spend on one day what I used to spend for the whole week when I lived alone). But the bottomline is, I hate that he has not respected my boundaries when I expressed my wish not to live together before marriage. I am feeling trapped in my own house and I think he will be offended if he finds out how I am feeling. I am considering moving overseas or at least to a city far away so I do not have to continue living with him. I am feeling miserable and I want my life back.On the other hand, he is very loving and takes care of me like my mother would. I have a disability, and from the physical point of view, sharing my apartment with him makes my life easier (tasks that took several minutes due to my reduced mobility take now just a few seconds). I am so confused. I would like to keep him and just not live together. He is by the way my first boyfriend ever, I would like to have a "dating" relationship instead of a "living together" relationship. I have no privacy any more.
View related questions:
long distance, money, moved in, my ex, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (29 May 2015):
 Is life easier for you now? When not sharing a place with him?
If the answer is yes, then GOOD.
And good for you to FIND your voice and tell him your concerns.
Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry for the late reply. I eventually confronted him (twice!) and he left... one month later. We didn't end the relationship and he hasn't tried to live with me again.
But I hated that apartment so much that I had to move somewhere else, didn't feel like home at all.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (9 October 2014):
 Sit him down and tell him "i'm sorry but I told you from the start that I didn't want to live together and somehow this is happened. I'm not comfortable with this and it cannot go on this way. We don't know each other well enough and things have progressed far more rapidly than I wish to deal with." Give him a time of when he has to leave and be very firm and very clear about it. I know its not going to be a comfortable situation but you HAVE to do this. If you feel extremely uneasy then have a friend/family member with you when you tell him. But tell him! Don't run away.
As everyone has said, if he ends things or gets nasty..well then you'll know it wasn't meant to be. And its better to know sooner than later!
Good luck..take a deep breath and just get it over with.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 October 2014):
 You NEED to tell him, and be firm. In my experience, women too often sit and hint at the man, or simply expect him to read her mind. Men never do. They don't read minds, and they don't take a hint. They don't remember simple stuff you told them once either. So you need to be firm, and clear, and shoot from the hip. That means, you need to be bluntly honest with him about him needing to move out, because you are not comfortable living with a man without marriage, and you are not ready to have him live with you either. In addition you might add that it is too early in the relationship for you to be financially supporting him, and since you are not married you would like to stick to separate economies. You agreed to help him a small time period, but that this period now has become too long, and needs to end if there is to be hope of a continued relationship. You need to get back to a level you are comfortable with.
He might end things with you, but trust me, if he does end the relationship then that just shows you what he was truly all about: mooching and taking advantage of you. Some men are like that, unfortunately, they only want to take your money and use you. You can't be gullible about it, they exist.
...............................
A
female
reader, blondebomb2 +, writes (9 October 2014):
 I have been there. So in saying that a lesson I learned is setting house rules and healthy boundaries. Tell him how you feel and what you are thinking...
If improvements or changes don't follow make a change, like letting him move out and slow the relationship down a step and seeing if it helps. If it don't you know this man is not your future man.. Ya know...
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 October 2014):
Ask him to find a place of his own. That this is TOO soon and too FAST for you. NOTHING wrong in that. Then either break up or go back to actually dating each other.
4 months (and a LDR to boot) is WAY to fast and WAY too soon to be living together. And considering that you do not believe in living together before marriage? this needs to be fixed.
You wanting to move away doesn't solve the problem, you can't run away when it gets tough. YOU need to talk to him.
And make sure he understands that this isn't about money, but boundaries and that is it moving at a speed YOU are not comfortable with, that YOU still want to see him and date him, but living together is not an option - for now.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 October 2014):
 I'd serve an eviction notice. He can't legally just stay there. You could call the authorities or you could just tell him to go home and if he doesn't then call the cops.
...............................
|
