A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Do I have the right to be upset? Thank you for all advice and for your time! I appreciate it all so much!!!I have been dating my boyfriend for six months. About two and a half months into our relationship we began to become intimate. I go down on him regularly. I swallow. I never gripe or complain. I enjoy pleasing him. I find it arousing and fun. He gets sex or oral almost every time we are together. Even when I'm flowing! What a lucky bastard! Haha! The only time I limit is when he severely pisses me off and thus turns me off, which hasn't been often. He basically always gets sex. He was a virgin when we met. So I've gone slow and haven't forced him to orally reciprocate. At first, I didnt ask for any reciprocation I've let him slowly learn to use his fingers and learn just basic missionary sex. When using fingers, I tell him and show him where and what I like. I praise him when it is good and gently tell him to stop or reposition if it is hurting or not working. I always reciprocate and do unto him. I feel i am beyond understanding and patient. We have been moving at a snail pace, which i find boring. But i dont pressure him! He never seems interested in learning how to improve his technique. Him being a virgin has not made him long to please me and learn how I like to be pleasured as so many advised previously on here in a past question. He seems indifferent to it and his lack of enthusiasm is a turn off to me, but I thought it might be virgin anxiety and trying to get acclimated. Probably four months in, I started asking for oral and if he would just consider it. He said he didn't want to do it. That pissed me off initially. I used to receive oral from my ex regularly and find it better than fingering. So, I feel if I am giving that he should at least be receptive to TRYING it. However, I let it go at first. A few weeks later, I tried to talk about it with him. He said he was afraid he might be grossed out or not like it. I told him to imagine what his sex life would be like if that were my attitude. He said he saw my point and was sorry. He vowed to try. I told him we would go slow as always, that i would guide him, and that maybe looking up some porn would help him figure out what to do. I even said I would look at porn with him. He declined. I shrugged it off. Fast forward to last night, months after the conversation. He still hadn't tried. He didn't show any adventure or interest on expanding our bedroom activity. Not even in positions! So, I brought it up again. I asked him two nights ago why he still hasn't tried and to be honest. He said he was afraid he wouldn't do it right and I said that you can't get better if you never try. He agreed and said sorry again. So last night, I asked for oral. We had had sex already with a condom. He had orgasmed. (I never get off on the sex we have.) I had went to the bathroom an hour before to just freshen up. I was clean, I made sure. I had shaven that morning and was also hair free. When I asked, he groaned loudly and seemed irritated. I said that he shouldn't vow to try if he never planned on trying and told him to forget it. He then said that he would try it. I said I didn't believe him and to forget it. He insisted he would. So he started touching me with his fingers at first and then moved down and asked where to go and what to do. He laid down in-between my legs and complained he was uncomfortable. We changed positions and he attempted for maybe two minutes. I told him politely which way to move and he got irritated, rudely asking, "Where? Here?" He was clearly not wanting to try. He then complained he couldn't breathe. I tried to position us better. He complained he was uncomfortable. So again we moved then he went down again for maybe another minute. He complained about how he couldn't breathe at all and was dramatically breathing heavily. So we stopped and told him we just have to find the right position. I asked if it was bad and he said no, but he couldn't breathe and that he can't do it if he can't breathe. Honestly, I feel he was exaggerating and just finding a way out of the situation, which hurts my feelings. I love making him feel good and that doesn't seem to be something he feels. He lacks enthusiasm and adventure, i think. He doesnt even want to try new positions. Granted, I am a bigger girl. (he says he is incredibly attracted to me ad him getting aroused isn't an issue. So I don't think he hates my weight or something) So breathing could be a little more difficult I guess as I am a little...fleshier, lol. However, my previously boyfriends never said it was an issue. One always wanted to go down on me and would stay down there for like an hour! How do I approach this? Am I being reasonable? Are my feelings of upset and anger legitimate? Any tips on how he can breathe better so I can offer them to him and see if he still is resistant? Is there anyway I can shape him into a more enthusiastic and adventurous lover? I am beginning to feel incredibly unsatisfied in this relationship because of this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2011): This is totally understandable you have the right to be annoyed I would tell him that you are not going to go down on him anymore until he will do the same for you
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (19 November 2011):
 The key, based on your posting, is that your guy is selfish. He wants his jollies, but is not willing to reciprocate, which is simply unfair. As you know from previous experience, cunnilingus can be extremely pleasurable for most women. Unfortunately, I have no answer regarding "how" to make him a better lover if it is not his desire.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2011): I think you're entitled to feel however you'd like, but I think you're wrong in expecting him to go down. Experienced or not, there are many girls and guys who just do not enjoy giving and/or receiving and there's nothing wrong with their preference. I always wonder, how can a girl or guy enjoy receiving knowing their partner doesn't enjoy giving. That in itself seems upsetting and selfish, perhaps a character flaw.He on the other hand, seems lazy and it leads me to believe his attitude will wreck havoc on your relationship. You need to quit tip toeing around his ego and feelings and take control of your orgasm and sex life.Yes sex should be enjoyable to both, but each partner needs to do their own part. You need to please him, but he needs to take control of his pleasure also. He needs to please you but you need to take control of your pleasure also. If something isn't working, show him or lead by example. Communicate.This whole situation needs communication. But it also needs understanding. He needs to understand that he has to put in effort into pleasing you and showing enthusiasm. You need to understand he is entitled to his preference.If his attitude/behavior is a dealbreaker, perhaps moving on and finding someone you're compatible with is best.He'll soon realize his negative attitude won't get him far.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 November 2011):
 Person1234 does make sense...
see I go without oral because I get so many other things from him. He will rub my feet, my back, etc. he will spend as much time as I wish paying attention to other body parts or use OTHER methods... just like I derive my pleasure from pleasing him, he derives HIS PLEASURE from pleasing me...
IF your partner does not wish to please you or make an effort to please you, perhaps it's not his virginal status but just that he's a lazy lover?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2011): I agree with person12345. He doesn't seem interested in making you satisfied sexually and only cares for his own pleasure. In all honesty, it doesn't seem like you two are sexually compatible. :(
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 November 2011):
 One-sided sexual relationships are just dandy IF you are the one who is on the "receiving" end. IF you're the giver... things are a bit more tenuous....
YOU have learned that your "boyfriend" is ready to accept,... but has no intention of reciprocating... basically sending YOU the message, "I like it when you fellate me...but don't expect me to do the same for you."
The ONLY question in your submittal is, "How long should I put up with this one-sided arrangement?" YOU are the one who needs to answer that....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 November 2011):
 I would never suggest someone do things they're uncomfortable with, some guys do just hate giving oral and they shouldn't have to. But this guy sounds lazy and self-centered. All he cares about is having sex and getting off and getting unlimited blow jobs. He made up his mind about even trying to give you oral sex before you even asked. It really doesn't sound like a case of disliking oral or something else, it just sounds like him being selfish. He knows you'll keep giving no matter what, so he feels like he shouldn't have to put in work.
I mean whining because the position is uncomfortable? Does he think giving a blowjob is like sitting in a massage chair? Give me a break.
When you ask for him to provide you with anything he is lazy and whiny about it, even just fingers he whines and is unenthusiastic and bored. No wonder you are feeling unsatisfied. He whines when you ask him to touch you even, why are you even with someone who so detests making you happy? Is there anything that doesn't give him direct physical pleasure he doesn't whine about "having" to do?
He's not going to change on this, the best you will get out of him is begrudging and infrequent "gifts." You don't want to be with someone who hates pleasuring you and finds it a chore. You deserve someone who views sex as something you do together, not as something a man takes from a woman and gives back if he's feeling particularly generous.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (18 November 2011):
 I'm not hugely into oral. It makes me nervous and I have no idea why? If the sex begins to be a deal breaker then leave.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 November 2011):
 Maybe he is just not a fan of giving oral? I like to give but I don't like to get.
I really doubt he has any problem breathing. He just didn't want to do it.
I would look into trying something else other then oral to please you.
Just like when a women don't like to give bj's I would never suggest that she just get over it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 November 2011):
we used to joke that my husband (now my ex) could breathe through his ears...
as a woman who has done this he needs to breathe through his MOUTH not his nose...
and yes when i was 300 pounds it was MUCH harder than now when I'm less than half that size....
as to how to approach this... I have no clue... I just accept a man where he is in his comfort sexually.
for example I do not give my bf fellatio because I expect anything in return.... he does NOT perform oral sex and I knew this going in.. I give him oral because I WANT to give him oral.. not as a tit for tat game.... yes I miss getting oral.. but it is what it is. My man is NOT responsible for my orgasms I am.
Of course, I offer a nightly BJ and most nights he turns me down.. he feels bad that I only care about pleasuring him not receiving pleasure from him... and I do get more than enough cuddles and kisses and hugs and love....
I guess every person has to decide and determine what is the bottom line for them and go for it. IF you can't tolerate his inability or refusal to perform oral sex on you then it may be time to end the relationship. If you say "but I love him and he might change" the answer is
YOU CANNOT love a man's potential. you have to love and accept him where he is.
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