A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been going out wit a man for a couple of months now our realtionship is ok and he can be quite caring i know he loves me alot although he doesnt actually show me himself that he does. Because of this i've been made to feel like i am worthless lately my confidence has been on a low in the time i have been with him and i don't feel 100% happy to be with him anymore.I just dont feel like there is any excitement or fun in the relationship as i feel were two differnt people, although im not sure of what i want to do about the situation as when i become sure of what i want to do things change and seem better between us both. Also i've recently met another man he is just a friend but i've started to have some feelings for him and dont know whats best to do. please help if you can. thank you very much for any response
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female
reader, shikiraclare  +, writes (29 November 2009):
I agree that this is his problem and not yours. However, it is very difficult to maintain feelings of good self-worth when the man you love and want is emotionally restrained for reasons only he knows. Here are some ways in which he can make you feel worthless:Doesn't make an effort to get close to you or make loveShows signs of rejection by pushing you away when you want intimacy and gives conditional loveis continually critical of you whilst praising all others and emotional abuse - building you up and knocking you down againIn any one of these instances or all of them combined: it would then be very understandable how you feel and there is nothing you can do except become more confident and build yourself a life outside of this situation so that, if nothing improves - you will have already built support around you if you decide that this is too painful a relationship to continue in. You definitely need to talk to him and make it very clear what exactly it is he does or doesn't do that is causing you the untold distress you are in right now - you have to give him the opportunity to make some amends.If he doesn't belt up a bit after any talking, then you have every right to look for love elsewhere when this relationship is depleting you of important emotional security and not validating you. Some men (like some women) are intentionally neglectful and like to play around with control issues in relationships and some men (like some women) just don't know what they do right and wrong and so, I don't know what category he falls into here - but you will soon know after some talking and if he genuinely wants this relationship; he will adjust himself to meet you half way and if he doesn't, then don't waste any more energies trying to gain his love and approval.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (5 March 2007):
 The good news is you've identified a problem. The bad news is you're considering being unfaithful. You've only been with this guy a couple months so you don't have too much time invested in the relationship. Just do the right thing. If you're not happy with one guy, end it before you start the new relationship. That way you are showing integrity....That is the correct way to handle this.
You shouldn't run away from problems so easily though. You should try to fix them, if not, then move on.
By the way, nobody can make you feel anything, only you. IF he's not giving something you need and you're aware of it, it's his fault not yours. Why do you assume it's your lack of worth. It's not. It's his lack of giving. So by assuming it's you, YOU make yourself feel worthless.
If you talk with him and resolve the issues, that's good. If you look to someone else to make you feel worthy, that can lead to problems, as you've experienced. Of course we all like some recognition fromour mates but it's not the only thing we should live for.
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