A
female
age
36-40,
*mg84
writes:I have been engaged for almost one year....it's been a lil bumpy breaking up making up...mainly over dumb things and this past sunday we had just made it past a breakup (we had broken up for 2 1/2 weeks) and we had talked and realized that this is what we want (to be together and work through the dumb argument we had)well that tuesday night i went over his house...i have never had a trust issue with him and know i have a good guy but i had a bad feeling...while he showered i looked through his phone and found he had called some girl...but the girl was no longer in his phonebook(meaning she once had been in the phonebook but was erased) well i asked him...babez did you start talking to someone while when we broke up he said no...but not very reassuring...later that night i text him telling him i know he is lying again denied it..well i found out he was.. i called him and asked him who "she" was...he said that the NEXT DAY after we broke up he got some girls number! the NEXT DAY! and he had even called her...can you believe that somehow this got flipped on me! the first message he left me was saying..."HE HAD NO OTHER CHOICE!" i couldnt believe he said that what a pathetic excuse! a grown 29 year old telling me he had no other choice!! the messages after that was cussing me out telling me that if i break it off this is the end and he will change his number!!! what did i do!! so the next day he had his friend call me to talk to me and tell me nothing happened and that he knows he was wrong...i explained i understand that...what hurts is he lied to me!!!! and my God he got a number the NEXT DAY!!!! and you dont call someone you arent interested in!!!! and he had no choice!!!! WHAT! soo yes its day #5 and i have not gotten an i'm sorry and yes he changed his number! how did this get flipped on me! his friend tells me to go and talk to him but why should i go look for him!!! he hurt my feelings and couldnt even say he was sorry for lying and doing that the next day! i hate it that people say im over reacting but im not..i never thought hed be that type of guy and why did he need to get a nummber the next day....it really hurt me...why didn't he apologize if he knew he was wrong and hurt me? i dont get it...im so crushed..why did he change his number? he always makes himself the victim..i dont get it...im confused, mad and sad. help
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female
reader, jmg84 +, writes (5 February 2008):
jmg84 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionlol yes i am definitely changing my number...this friday i am changing providers..only thing that sucks is the phone wont offically be disconnected until the 12th but i'll keep that phone off until then.....im still trying to figure out how the hell my ex flipped this whole situation on me...totally blind sided me! (another fact he's a cop) so i guess they taught him that in the academy...my friend dates his friend (who is also a cop) and they are in the same boat if not even worse....i know this sounds soo dumb but do you guys think he is just trying to upset me? and is he ever going to say sorry? (porbably not is already been a week)...thanks again guys for your help!!!!
A
female
reader, Lily Moll +, writes (5 February 2008):
His friend sounds dodgy. Maybe he's hoping to take advantage of you being newly single and that you'll cry on his shoulder (in bed). Sounds really inappropriate, and if you're not looking to get in touch with your ex, and you're not interested in his friend's affections (and why would you be?) then talking to him might just be giving him the wrong idea. Also, it doesn't matter to the guy if he's being old and creepy! If he acts creepy to the right girl, he might get lucky. He has nothing to lose. It's up to you to let him know you're not interested. Or just ignore him. Or do what your ex LEAST expects, and change your own number, without warning! Ha! That would be great! :)
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A
female
reader, jmg84 +, writes (5 February 2008):
jmg84 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes your right...i am trying to hard to figure out why he did this why didnt he do that....well a quick update his friend is a lil odd....he has been texting me everyday since my ex's and my argument...but now what he talks about is changing...well sunday we didnt text at all because i dont think i should be talking to him ...well today at about 3pm he texts me asking me how i did on my test...then the next text said..."i would hate to b you taking a test everyweek. how was your sunday? hes selling the wedding bands on wed." soo i responded back...i dont want to know what he is doing..thanks for the heads up but it is in his best interest to sell them..he apologized but then very odd!!! he told me he was headed home to ride his bike. all i said was have fun..then he text me"maybe one day i can take you for a ride?" umm yea that doesnt sound right at all...i didnt respond back and am not going to if he continues to text me....my question is...do you think my ex is telling him to tell me he's selling our wedding bands? and my second question is what are his friends intentions? this man is 40+ TWICE MY AGE!!!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (4 February 2008):
 Sometimes it doesn't matter who goes to who, as long as someone is big enough to do so. In your situation, it's not the same as a general argument where two people are sitting at home waiting for the other one to say sorry.
He's treating you like crap, not taking responsability for his actions, this is quite a bit different.
The problem here is you are trying too hard to figure him out and why he did what he did and didn't apologize. Personally I think, if you're going to date, do so with someone else, someone who will love you and respect you and not have to have a reason for it. You deserve much better than what you had with him. He had poor behaivor and really doesn't care that he did.
You need to first, stop worrying about what he's doing, and worry about yourself and rebuilding your self esteem after this happened. The key to real happiness, begins with ourself. No one can make us happy, but we can share happiness with someone. They can add to our feeling of being whole, but the feeling of happiness is a personal feeling, no one can give it to us and if we don't let them, they can't take it away. If you were to loose everything you own, and had nothing, all though you'd be a bit naked, one thing you would still have is you, your personalities, your integrity, and beliefs, and your character. Material belongings, can't replace any of those. If I were you, I'd start working on being happy for myself, not trying to gain affections, or please others. If you do, you'll begin naturally attracting the right people.
I wish you luck. Take care, and keep telling yourself that you are better than to be mistreated by anyone else.
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A
female
reader, jmg84 +, writes (4 February 2008):
jmg84 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionit makes me soo angry when his friend!! mind you a 40+ man tells me ohh you should go talk to him..it doesnt matter who looks for who!!! and i kept telling him nooo! it does matter!!!! what does he think its a game he flips this on me changes his number!! are you kidding me and im going to go to his house to see him..absolutley not he keeps telling me its my pride getting in the way..and if it is soo what id look like a complete fool if i went over there! its soo hard to move one i dont know where to begin...i cant concentrate i dont feel like doing anything..i just wonder why...and i feel like i'll never know why he walked away without even saying he was sorry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): This happened because this guy doesn't know how to deal with a relationship in a healthy way...he is a jerk, that is what happened...there is nothing to be confused about, he doesn't really care about your feelings or for taking responsibility in his part in the arguments and break ups...this really was not a relationship that was working for either of you.....take this as a strong indication that it was not meant to be and start thinking about what it is that you want in a man, make a list, be specific, what are your non-negotiables? Any man that does not meet your non-negotiables is the wrong man....if he doesn't meet every other thing on your list, OK, think 80% and you have found him....You can't trust this guy, you are better off without, and don't contact him again....he doesn't deserve it...even if his friends tell you he does.
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A
female
reader, jmg84 +, writes (4 February 2008):
jmg84 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey guys thank you so much for your insite.....it really made me feel better. It's already going to be a week tomorrow and feel like wow what did i really mean to this guy....all of you are absoluetly right....his friend keeps asking him when are you going to go see him...but gosh imagine if i did that id look like an idiot! he does wrong and i look for him! wow i could kiss respect goodbye...i'm 23 and i know i still have my life ahead of me..im just hurt and so crushed from this siuation...i dont feel like going anywhere....do you thing he changed his number for a reaction? this is only my second relationship and my first one trust me is not one to look back at...so im soo confused as to why this happened and what to do...thanks again!!!!
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A
female
reader, jmg84 +, writes (4 February 2008):
jmg84 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey guys thank you so much for your insite.....it really made me feel better. It's already going to be a week tomorrow and feel like wow what did i really mean to this guy....all of you are absoluetly right....his friend keeps asking him when are you going to go see him...but gosh imagine if i did that id look like an idiot! he does wrong and i look for him! wow i could kiss respect goodbye...i'm 23 and i know i still have my life ahead of me..im just hurt and so crushed from this siuation...i dont feel like going anywhere....do you thing he changed his number for a reaction? this is only my second relationship and my first one trust me is not one to look back at...so im soo confused as to why this happened and what to do...thanks again!!!!
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (4 February 2008):
 Hi
You are not in the wrong here. Your arguments and splitting are down to both of you, but him throwing his toys out the pram after you split, is down to him.
I would be mega offended if my ex was 'moving on' a day after we split! They always argue that you had split by then and werent together, but a day later???????? That speaks volumes to me. Regardless of you having split the night before!
I would be putting him down to experience and move on now, a little bit wiser, and avoid a self obsessed bloke like that. Is he that desperate to not be single that he turns into a hunter within 24 hours? Until he can look after himself and not need a woman as a crutch, he isnt grown up enough to be serious with you anyway in my opinon.
Balls in your court though at the end of the day.
Good lck.
C xxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): I think that the fact that your relationship is plagued by on again off again scenarios, and threats are made as to breaking it off when dealing with conflict, indicates that you do not have a happy or healthy relationship. There is probably some immaturity on both your sides, but your fiance especially sounds like he is very self centered, and not someone with whom you can have a safe trusting relationship with. Count yourself lucky that you found out his true colors, his character before you ended up married and having his kids....this does not sound like a relationship, but a one upsmanship game playing SOB....get rid of him and don't look back...you deserve to have someone who cherishes you and doesn't want to hurt you no matter what.
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A
female
reader, Lily Moll +, writes (4 February 2008):
It's wrong for him to try and pin his own behavior on you. I think that maybe when he said he had no choice, he meant that he felt that's what he had to do in order to ease the pain of having lost you. Not that it's your responsibility to decipher the code of his immature excuse-making, of course. And it DOES hurt; you have every right to be upset with him. The worst part of it all is that he lied... but then maybe he lied because he was just trying to avoid an argument? Hmm... lying to avoid confrontation, refusing to accept responsibility for his own actions... sounds pretty immature. Doesn't mean he's a bad guy, though.
Recently my boyfriend of two years broke up with me, and I called him back a few weeks later to see if we could get back together, and he told me he had been going to bars picking up women "to have fun with." This is a guy I thought I knew really well, and I couldn't even PICTURE him hanging out in bars to pick up women, especially so soon after we broke up, and yet that's exactly what he did. It hurt terribly, and I haven't talked to him since, but I've realized that what when people do that after breaking up with someone, it's not about the person they broke up with. It's not about YOU. It's about his ego, and his esteem, and his need to feel a little less lonely.
I'd say that getting a girl's number is forgivable. Heck, even "having fun" with some quick and easy broad could be forgivable, albeit painful, for me personally. The lying is problematic, but I think the most troublesome part of your story is that he's left you because of your reaction to something HE DID, and now it seems he expects you to come crawling back. He's clearly in the wrong all the way around here. He even had to change his number, to make crawling back all that much more difficult for you.
Maybe you two just need some time apart, to let both of you cool down. You had agreed to work things out, and said yourself that things were bumpy. Maybe this is just a bigger bump. Though honestly, to me this sounds like a no-win situation for you. I don't see how you could have done anything differently, with the information you had. You're not the one in the wrong here. I also don't see how you can attempt to make up with him without going out of your way. Then it will be as if you're accepting the blame for what he did and giving him the impression that he didn't do anything wrong.
When my ex told me about his barflies, I eventually just came to the conclusion that maybe that's something he's always wanted to do. And I know this might not be what you want to hear, but maybe your ex just wants to get to know this girl or other new girls, and all of his actions-- blowing up at you, changing his number, making you feel bad, etc-- have just been a sort of smokescreen. Think about it-- he can just "have fun" with random new girls, but with you, he has to be an adult, and what fun is that? It's sad, but it sounds like he's not ready for marriage, and it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with his own immaturity.
As long as he has set up his friend as a mediator, use that channel of communication to your advantage. Let his friend know what you want your ex to hear, but remember that if you contact your ex directly to try to get back together with him, you could be reinforcing his idea that he's the victim. Take it easy and don't let him torture you like this. As of now, you two are broken up, and it's hard-- your situation is made more painful by the way you two broke up. Go out with some girlfriends or do something you enjoy. Do some nice things for yourself, even if at first it seems impossible to stop thinking about your ex. When he sees that you're not giving him the reaction he expected, he might come around. Best of luck to you, and take care.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (4 February 2008):
 Hi there,
wow, what a coward this guy his. Getting his friend to try and get you to crawl back to him.
It looked like you were prepared to forgive him if he apologised and the fact that he didn't take up this offer demonstrates his character - lowlife.
Sorry but you got an emotional retard on your hands. You're still very young, find someone else - there are guys out there who won't treat you like this.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (4 February 2008):
This is not a healthy positive relationship. Believe it or not, they do exist, this just happens to not be one of them. We often just settle for whatever comes a long. We get lonely, and in need of affection, and with that sometimes comes bad choices. One of the biggest poor choices I've noticed is made is not taking time to really find out what you're looking for in someone. Why kind of person are you, your personalities, beliefs, morality etc. Then you look for someone who's fairly close to carying the same beliefs you have. Being with someone who lies like this is choosing someone who lacks personal integrity. Don't put up with the B.S. excuses people come up with to justify their decisions. He had a choice, just like weather to stay with him or not, you too have a choice.
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