A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:He likes two people at the same time? or he's just waiting for a good chance to break up with her.The person I speak of is quite far away from me. We have known each other for quite a while. He had a girlfriend that lived about 6 hours train ride from him when we met. But then we got emotionally involved and somewhat physical. To this day, I still feel lucky that we did not go any further than we did.I left for a different city a few months ago and now we are still in touch. We still feel very much attached to each other. and I don't know what to think and what to do in the near future. I have many options of locations and yet if it's only sadness that returning will bring me, I'd rather forget it all. He said what he has with me is changing his relationship with the girl and yet he feels guilty about it that this keeps driving him back to the girl. I don't know how to translate this... 'i'm thinking of a way to break up with her.' 'i am in love with you both that I can't decide' So there are two sides of me arguing with each other: one says, if you love a person, you will never be avaracious, so give this time. the other says, what happened to your self-respect?so living in a 70% here, 30% there sort of life. I am very unhappy with the instability and insecurity. What do I do? between maturity/tact and self-respect...?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2007): Hi dear, Just sending you via the site. It is sad to have to go through this, isn't it. No woman should ever have to be in a running competition with another female, to capture the attentions of a man. So you asked for suggestions as to how to look at this experience? Look at this like a rebirth of sorts--a life learning experience. You upheld yourself to being strong, wise, kept your dignity and you told him "enough, I'm not into games, dude. I won't be 2nd best..either I am number one or it's done". I know you cared, I know you really liked him a lot and had deep feelings for him...but being in this secondary position in his life, was draining you and you needed to eliminate that bad feeling of being not 'quite good enough'. You had to eliminate him from your life so you could create space in your life for someone who will come along someday and make you his number one lady..a wonderful position you so richly deserve. There was no other way...you had to do make this very personal, heartbreaking choice, in order to fit your own unique needs. You were strong and I respect that. you created a personal, special place to honor yourself, in your life. Now, heal, recover and move on. Give yourself, time, patience and a lot of self-love. Treat yourself well and in a few months...you'll look back at all this and you might say 'what the hell was I thinking??'. lol If you do, write me back and tell me about it. Good luck dear and please take care of yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, Thanks Rhythm and thanks Irish! I found your comments encouraging!
Well, so I actually did what you two were suggesting (or, rather, what I was suggesting to myself) Let's say it was not as easy as I thought when I did it. Because the annoyance I built up and prepared was quite gone with sadness and recollection of bad feelings. But it was done. However, after I did it, he told me that his girlfriend may be moving to the same city he is in soon. Well, by blood-pressure dropped and my hands went cold (natural reaction when I am upset or nervous).
Then he asked me how I was and again what my reasons are. My answers were objective: can't go until he breaks it off, don't see why it needs to be a competition, chipping away at my self-pride, uncertainty, it's a drag, ony seeing potentials of more stress.
In the end, it was an amicable split. I kept it light and focused on the situation and my own terms. However, I ended up with 3 hours of horrible feelings of being picked over. Maybe the one thing I haven't gotten around to sharing is that he is 11 years older than me and he is with his girlfriend for 1 year and 1/2 now. So the quote I can recall would be 'you are fighting against the trust and security of a 1 + 1/2 year relationship. it is just too much I have to throw away.' 'I sense it's fading away for you too'
I wonder why I still don't gather any feelings of anger or fury towards this (all the leading on and suggestive speeches), instead, just sadness. Do situations actually happen that you like two people at the same time? Do I call this a 'rationality call'? Guess, there's some inner voice that asks myself: why hasn't he thought 'rationally' a little earlier?
Well, guess it was my fault to have let him come closer than he should too. So in the end, I suggested of keeping distance, at least for a while.
I guess you would both suggest I move on and that's exactly what I will do.
However, I would ask for suggestions on how to look at this experience.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2007): I agree with Rhythm. Good answer. You don't have a bf here, hun. You have an indecisive guy who is dating another woman and is keeping his options open. The problem is ...you made the clear choice to get emotionally and physically involved with a man who has shelved you until a later date while he carries on with another woman. I think you should end this and go look for a man to date who can give all of his attentions to just you. That is what we all want in life. To be dating someone in a mutually, exclusive loving relationship. If you'd rather forget this circumstance..then do that. Cut of all contact with him...today. Simply put, anything less than dating is not dating. Don’t date anyone who doesn't know what he wants and keeps you confused. That is not healthy and that is not love. A man who cared deeply for you would never, ever do such a thing. You are right...find you self-respect, your dignity and tell him...it's done. Keeping you hanging on is just hurting you more and more and with each day he does this...it does chip away at your self-respect. Make the brave choice and get your dignity and pride back. Never allow a man to treat you like 2nd best. It's all or nothing, dear.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2007): Well, I think you have answered your own question, really, you are unhappy and want to break it off with him.
This guy is dating women that are not living near him and keeping you both hooked by his ambivalence and unpredictability while still proclaiming love....pretty easy thing to do when you don't have to be around.
He is saying what you want to hear so he can hit the target, which is you....cut this one loose, I could go into a dissertation on what is love, but this does not even merit that.....get your self respect in line, get your legs under you and walk and don't look back, trust me you don't need this kind of BS drama in your life.
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