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female
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anonymous
writes:My boyfriend promised me something that he wouldn't do again, which was look at this NASTY site with a bunch of porn on it. I let him know the first time it kind of made me feel that I wasn't good enough for him. I wasn't even looking for anything when I found out he had looked at this site once again after telling me he PROMISED he wouldn't look at it ever again and how sorry he felt for making me feel that way. It kind of just makes me feel disgusted, he even tried lying about this to me. I'm not stupid, I know how computers work, you know? I just feel that if he can break THIS promise, what else has he promised and not kept? I know this isn't the biggest of deals, but in OUR relationship, a promise is something you are supposed to keep. If you don't mean it, you don't promise it. I just feel he doesn't value this relationship as much as I do. He broke a promise over something not even worth it....Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
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female
reader, hlskitten  + ♥, writes (25 July 2007):
 I think the thread poster was saying the fact he lied was more the point she was making. The porn is just an extension of a lie. I can totally see where shes coming from, if he can lie about that, then what else is he capable of lying about for his own benefit. I for one cant stand lies & i am very unforgiving about them. My mum says i get that from my dad, hes a very straight grounded person. Ive posted a lie thread, still awaiting approval. Its not the subject they lie about, its the fact they lie. And it drives me insane!
Sorry if i butted in when ot needed lol
xxx
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female
reader, blondie04 +, writes (24 June 2007):
I feel the same way my boyfriend looks at porn too and it made me feel like i wasn't good enough for him anymore or that i had to measure up and be like someone he saw on a porn site. I also feel if he goes and looks at porn while I'm at work and when I come home he's all loving and wants to have sex with me I feel if he has to look at porn and get all excited and wants sex then I'm not interested I'm sorry I just want him to look at me and want sex without porn involved.
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female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (21 June 2007):
 Poster, you are mistaken, the issue is not just that he lied to you about looking at porn, the lie was to appease you so he could continue with his little addiction...whether you appreciate it or not, this is about his use of porn, not that he lied to you period....Every person tells little white lies, like "I like your haircut" when we really think it makes the person look like a pig walking backwards....the issue is how it made you feel when he wanted to watch porn so much that he was willing to conceal it from you, it speaks volumes about his attitudes and the deeper issue here is that you don't like it, you are angry about it, and even sad which underlies your hurt and anger.....and his lack of respect for you is the big elephant in the room that you and he are unwilling to talk about.
You need to work this porn subject out with him, not just the lying, and if you can't accept this hobby of his, you need to decide what it is you want from this relationship.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 June 2007):
 Of course it hurt when he broke his promise to you. Some people will make promises that they don't know whether they can keep. Poor judgement or lack of integrity hard to say but the bottom line is that if they break promises often then trusting these people is almost impossible. You can give him another chance but if he lets you down again you may need to find a new boyfriend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlright, SORRY I put on here that is was PORN that betrayed my trust. He LIED to me, that IS the issue here and I didn't appreciate that very much. It's PORN, MEN are PIGS, I KNOW THIS!!!! But the problem with this situation is he PROMISED not to do it, it wouldn't be as big of a deal if he never PROMISED this to me.....sorry I added that in here, cuz that really isn't the issue and I sadly made it sound that way. He betrayed me and YES I kinda don't like the idea about him looking at it on MY computer, but it'd be fine if I didn't know about it or him tell me one thing and do another.....the issue is trust.......he lied to me......forget about the porn, a promise was broken and it hurts when someone breaks a promise no matter how big or little it is. Thanks though for the advice....
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): Every man looks at it, I hear, so you can say it is normal. We don't have to like it though and we don't need men who NEED it to the point of lying. Watch it too? What an irristable offer for you, how kind (sarcasm). Perhaps you, like me, would rather be dropped into a bath full of raw haddock and giblets.
Sadly, other people's arses, tits and other pendulous areas are everywhere, we are told we have to accept it as boy stuff, but I am sick of it too. There seem to be more and more women writing questions about it on this website and finding that the excess of it is spoiling their relationships.
Whatever a person does in moderation is their business. If "he" can't keep it in check it is an addiction. Just another excess like alcohol etc is for some people. This thing undermines people and it should not be an issue. If a man wants to have the odd peek fine, just let him keep it to himself. If the amount of use means that it overflows into normal life and affects relationships, then that is an abnormal amount and I would object too.
It looks as though the bigger issue is trust and you are right to question this. In fact I think you should accept that as the real issue here, the porn thing shows he may have an addictive personality? Is that what you are really worried about? This feelng you have may be simply that you have doubts about whether he is right for you.
Perhaps instead of getting upset about one issue, you should ask yourself that big question. Don't be afraid to turn him down. Plus, don't fall in love too easily in future. Make sure you have your basic needs covered. One of those would be that you would like a boyfriend who respects women and does not NEED porn. OK?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): First off.. Its porn and hes a man.. Dont expect him to give up everything for you.. Get a life and learn to live with it or leave him because he clearly isnt going to stop.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK, let's just get this straight. It's not REGULAR porn, it's on a website and it shows a bunch of videos that are NASTY, like I said. A LOT of just woman, so I really wouldn't like to watch them, even if there was a man in them. I am NOT interested in this stuff whatsoever, so I wouldn't want to watch them with him either. I do not have insecurity issues either. I just don't appreciate being lied to and having broken promises. Hard to trust people that way. Thanks for the helpful insights though.
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A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (20 June 2007):
I think your feelings are valid, and I don't think this is about your insecurity over yourself, what you are feeling when you say you don't feel good enough when he watches porn is that you feel disrespected and under valued, and those are legitimate feelings based in the reality of your situation.
The male anon poster says that it is normal for men to look at porn and that this should not be a part of sexuality that is hidden away.... I think that many men watch porn that are single and not in a relationship as a form of release.
I think when a man enters a committed relationship with a woman it is time to grow up, discontinue this practice and realize that it is very disrespectful to have a wonderful woman at home in bed or in the next room that he could be having sex with and he instead chooses to look at nasty disgusting degrading porn (which any person even those who get turned on when watching porn realize at a deeper level that this is degrading to women mostly, that it is the business of selling human flesh, it has become mainstream thanks to shows on HBO and the trivialization of human relationships, sexualization of children in ads we sometimes see and so on) It is insulting and disrespectful....unfortuneately there is an erosion of the basic human morals that foster healthy relationships in our society and makes it more difficult for women to stand their ground on this one as many men think it makes them a man to watch porn...it doesn't it makes him a man to honor, cherish and respect his woman. If he is not the kind of upstanding guy you think you deserve, tell him so and don't let the door hit him in the ass when you tell him to leave....to get respect, you have to demand it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): Exactly,he broke a promise over something not really worth it.So why the big issue? Why dont you watch it together? Why does something like that make you feel not good enough? Most men watch porn,so do some women too.The film is likely to show men with larger penises than your boyfriend,if you were to watch them would he suddenly become not good enough for you? You need to address your insecurities,as i`m quite sure he`s probably aware that porn is not real life.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): Okay - this depends on what kind of porn he was looking at. If it was degrading/illegal kinda stuff, I can appreciate you drawing the line.
If this is the case, a MUCH better approach would be to ask him why the site turns him on, what he likes about it, maybe get to the underlying issues.
You said that it makes you feel like you are 'not good enough', which signals to me that more than anything, this is about your own insecurities. It is pretty normal for guys to watch porn. If its not offensive porn, then you might want to think about making watching porn into a mutual activity rather than an aspect of sexuality that should be hidden away.
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