A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiWhenever my bf gets angry i.e. like when i try to call him when he is at work or when he is busy, he verbally abuses me. He calls me names, if i have known that he is busy i would have never called him in the first place.We discussed a lot about he abusing me, he says he would do that only when i irritate him. I feel really bad whenever he calls me names and he never apologises for his actions and i am the one who always needs to apologise for disturbing him. Please help, i really want him to change this behaviour of his, when he is in good mood, he treats me really good.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2011): Hi there! I grew up being verbally abused by my step father. I don't talk to him anymore. Your boyfriend has to be willing to change this on his own. If he doesn't get counseling or therapy of some sort it will never get better and it will take it's toll on you both mentally and emotionally. Verbal abuse is an ingrained behavior--actually just as bad or worse than physical abuse as it can be very hard to detect inside and outside of the situation...
Verbal abuse (also known as reviling or bullying) is best described as an ongoing emotional environment organized by the abuser for the purposes of control. The underlying factor in the dynamic of verbal abuse is the abuser’s low regard for him or herself. As a result, the abuser attempts to place their victim in a position to believe similar things about him or herself, a form of warped projection.
Verbal abuse may occur to a person of any gender, race, culture, sexual orientation, age, or size. Typically, verbal abuse increases in intensity over time and often escalates into physical abuse as well. During intense verbal abuse, the victim will generally suffer from low self-esteem and low self-worth. As a result, victims may fall into clinical depression and/ or post-traumatic stress disorder.
Despite being the most common form of abuse, verbal abuse is generally not taken as seriously as other types of abuse, because there is no visible proof. In reality, however, verbal abuse can be more detrimental to a person's health than physical abuse. If started at a young age, verbal abuse contributes to codependency, borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and other psychological disorders that often plague many people into adulthood.
People who feel they are being attacked by a verbal abuser on a regular basis should seek professional counsel and remove themselves from the negative environment whenever possible. Staying with a verbal abuser is damaging for a person's overall well-being; and all steps to change the situation should be pursued.
"Verbal abuse includes the following: withholding, bullying, defaming, defining, trivializing, harassing, interrogating, accusing, blaming, blocking, insulting, countering, diverting, lying, berating, taunting, putting down, discounting, threatening, name-calling, yelling, and raging."[1]
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That's from wikipedia in case you want to read the rest of the document as I only posted the top portion...Arm yourself with knowledge and take care of you! God Bless
A
female
reader, livelifelove +, writes (9 July 2011):
hunny its the same with me i always have to apoligize dont do it if he is going to be like that with you he is not going to change he can say he is going to but hes not he can pull the sorry card as much as he wants do what you think is right in your heart your heart always knows what is best it will never miss lead you
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 hi
first of all, do you NEED to call him at work? maybe he feels a bit smothered if you call him a lot? but that is NO excuse for him speaking to you like that, calling you bad names and then not even apologising afterwards when he has cooled down.
you have told him already that you don't like the abuse. he neither apologised or told you he would change his behaviour, instead he just blamed you for it. you cannot change a person and i don't believe you should even try. he is what he is and if that person is unsuitable for you, maybe you would be better with someone else. so try again if you wish; to discuss it and see if you can get him to agree to stop giving you verbal AND i think you could compromise by not ringing him at work unless necessary because after all, he has asked you not to hasn't he? (although not in a very nice way)
xx
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A
female
reader, Plexi  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 Stop calling him or talking to him all together. If he questions why you have pulled back tell him that you understand how much you irritate him and you do not wish to cause him any more trouble and that you think it is best that you 2 part ways and that's it. No you can not change a man but a man will certainly change if HE really wants to and has a reason to change. Leave him, move on with your life and let him be who he wants to be. You deserve beter hun, don't let anyone ever treat you like you are not special and you are beneath them
Good luck to you!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): How can you change HIS behavior? He calls you names and it hurts you. He knows this and does it anyway. Okay. Now you have control only over how YOU act. Why are you staying with someone who abuses you verbally? Some men who do this eventually get to the point where they do it more and more. Some even hit. It's not something I completely understand, the reason WHY they do it. BUT you should think about whether you want to put up with it. Do you? Because boyfriends, like other people in our lives, don't have parts we can just get rid of. They are a package deal. So, in you head, you might want to ask yourself "WHY WOULD I PUT UP WITH THIS?". There are other ways to spend your time and maybe other, better, boyfriends for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): If it bothers you, say straight out. It is not right if he upsets you. He won't change. You can not alter his behaviour, unless it really is something he wants too. Give him an ultimatium. He stops the verbal abuse or it is over. End of story. He has a choice here and it is simple.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 January 2011):
You can't change him. You can't take a man on as a boyfriend then try to change the things you don't like. He is who he is. You've even tried to change him, and it's failed because he's still the way he is.
I would suggest that instead of taking the abuse you do, and then trying and failing to change the man in your life, that you move on from him and find a man who won't treat you this way.
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A
female
reader, Baccurra +, writes (11 January 2011):
I've seen this in a relationship before. You can't change him... The verbal abuse will lead into physical abuse and other things. You should get out of the relationship before it is too late. Take heed in my WARNING. I don't know you and you don't know me, but I do know that type.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 January 2011):
 abusers do not change.
he said he only abuses you when you irritate him. in his mind he's justified treating you badly.
Personally I would think very long and hard about wanting to attempt to change him. Why would he want to change when he sees nothing wrong with his behavior?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): The best thing you can do is just leave him. It'll only get worse for both of you. You don't ever stay with a guy that treats you that way, even if you think you can deal with it. Go find someone who respects you, without you having to force them to.
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A
female
reader, Cherryb12  +, writes (11 January 2011):
Get out of there!! The man who loves you would never call you names and make you feel like trash..You deserve much better.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, livelifelove +, writes (11 January 2011):
this is how my boyfriend is
hunny Its the same he would be good for three days and then change I tried to get him to go to consuling with me it didnt work
he calls me a whore and a slut
Leave him he is not going to change you can keep on telling him that it bothers you till you are blue in the face nothing is going to get better I have tried to tell him for 1 year now he stilhasnt changed and My heart feels like it is ripped out of my body
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A
female
reader, ToHereKnowsWhen  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 Whether or not you irritate him, he should not be abusing you, and you shouldn't be taking it. Just keep in mind that if you can't change him and if you stay with this guy, you are buying into both sides of his nature.
If you are really up to changing his ways, you must make it clear to him exactly what you consider common decency to be and that if he can't control himself, then you won't be around to put up with him.
If he doesn't apologise for his abusive ways, then I doubt that he really thinks that there's much wrong with it.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (11 January 2011):
 You tell him these words exactly:
"You need to stop calling me names, I am not going to let you treat me like this anymore, so either you cut it out, or i walk!"
If he's busy when you call, all he needs to say is "I'm busy right now with (whatever), I'll let you know when i'm free. Speak to you later"
There's no need for him to call you rotten names at all, don't stand for it, or the abuse will continue, and even get worse... Do you want that??? No??? So stand up to him!!
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A
female
reader, becky7984 +, writes (11 January 2011):
he should have a bit more respect for u. i was in a abusive releationship for 2 years,phsyiscally and mentally and by far the mental abuse and name calling is alot worse than physical abuse. i got called all sorts of names etc u really really need to sort this out with him or it will mess your head up trust me,4 years later and i still cant my head around it. WHAT gives men the right to speak to or treat there women like that!! he needs respect for you!!
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