A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing this guy I met online since July (about 5 months), very casually, on and off. I like him a lot, I enjoy being with him, and the sex is phenomenal. He's a bit of a commitment phobe and so am I, so neither of us is rushing toward a relationship. We're both okay with how things are at this time.If everything's so peachy, why am I writing in? Well...this guy also has a close female friend who he's been dating on and off for the past year. He's told me everything about her, including the fact that she is madly in love with him, and that she is very jealous that he is also seeing me. I didn't really mind that he was spending time with her (perfectly within his right). He has told her that he isn't interested in a relationship with her, but she continues to hang around, call him and hound him, and initiate kissing, etc., hoping that he will fall for her. It does annoy me that he keeps her around when obviously she is in deep emotional pain over him, but he's a guy, and guys tend to seek emotional comfort where it is available (not an excuse, just saying).Even all of that would be tolerable, except, now she has somehow cyberstalked me and found my online dating profile (which is really nuts, and quite unnerving, because my screenname is not my name), and sent me a long message, detailing all of her feelings about him. She wasn't mean or threatening, I think her goal was to make me aware of her presence and maybe even to make me feel sorry for her. Still, it all made me feel horribly uncomfortable. I told him about the message, and he said that she had a tendency to act "psycho". She has contacted other women he's liked in the past. On the one hand, he says he really values her friendship, and wishes they could just be friends. I told him that, clearly, it's not possible, and that she is going to continue to behave this way, whether it's with me or another person he dates down the line. I suggested he take a break from hanging out with her for about six months to give her the space to get over her feelings. I could tell he was considering my advice, but I think he won't follow through, and this woman's emotional issues will continue to affect his life.He mentioned being worried that I'd give him some sort of ultimatum about this, but I think it's got to be his decision. I'm not his girlfriend, so I don't have power over him. However, I'm not sure if I want to stick around much if she's still in the picture--on the one hand, because I think I will lose respect for him, as he's hanging on to someone who is hurting, just out of convenience; and, on the other hand, because I don't want this jealousy thing to escalate, and I really don't want to meet this girl, because I will be really uncomfortable. On the flip side of this, I also think that giving up and moving on is what this woman wants me to do. I like this guy, I enjoy my time with him, and why should I be the one to back off, when, clearly, he is more interested in me, romantically, than he is her?How should I handle this?
View related questions:
a break, jealous, kissing, met online Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie, I think you're right that he is getting his needs met via both of us, and that he's not going to let this woman go because she provides him with emotional support and an ego stroke. He and I aren't just F-buddies, we do actually have a friendship, and we are very transparent with each other. He has always been upfront with me about this other person, and has told me (and her) that he does not have feelings for her, but she obviously continues to have strong feelings for him. I don't doubt that he gives her "hope" by occasionally kissing her, or cuddling with her, or other such romantic actions (things that suit his needs at the time). He says that, just like she holds onto hope that he will change and fall in love with her, he hopes that she will "lighten up" and be able to spend time with him without wanting more. I think it's profoundly unhealthy, especially for him to try to impose his point of view onto her and ignoring her pain. As for him telling her bad things about me, that is not the case. She is jealous of me because he speaks so highly of me and I supposedly make him happy (according to her). Honestly, I don't understand why he would tell her those things, other than to wave a red flag in front of a bull for a full on jealousy-induced ego boost. What-ever. Ugh.That being said, I decided to end things with this guy, rather than stick around. It has become too complicated for me. I sent him a letter saying that the reason I enjoyed the relationship with him was that it was simple and uncomplicated, and, because of this woman's feelings for him, I couldn't continue to see him. It's better to move on than to be stuck in something that makes me feel stressed out. Thanks everyone for the input--I'll update if there is anything further.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 November 2013):
 What do you think he tells HER about YOU?
HOW can you “lose respect for him”? You should have already LOST respect for him. He’s using her. He’s using you… he’s a user. Granted you both are allowing it or even encouraging it. Why would he get rid of either of you.
YOU give his penis the strokes it needs
She gives his ego the strokes it needs
He’s got it made…..
YOU like a man that is happy to let a woman make a fool of herself over him?
YOU say you are casual and not jealous but then you say “he is more interested in me romantically than he is in her”
Well that alone tells me that it’s way more than just fun and games for you even if you are NOT admitting it to yourself.
I think you don't want to end it with him in hopes that he will let the "psycho" go. He won't why should he?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 November 2013):
 You might have misunderstood me, I don't think YOU are jealous. But I do think that if you have been accepting that he has another woman (who he claims is psycho and he claims to not sleep with) for the past 5 months, I don't see how you can all of a sudden want him to drop her. I don't think he will.
Also, my guess is she saw your post on the dating site either because HE showed it to him (sinc you said it was strange for her to find it) or she snooped on his computer and found it.
Either way, that is now really the actions of a female friend, more like jealous GF. (or GF wanna-be)
He keeps her around for a reason. The reason is, when girl #2 start to either want more or get emotional attached, they don't want to date HIM with that "friend" around. He can then "dump" girl #2. Yes, I DO think he uses her so he doesn't HAVE to get attached. But I think there is a lot more going on between THEM for her to accept this "deal".
This little thing he's got going WORKS for him. He gets a #2 GF for a few months but not a "real" one just a FWB kind. Not because he has issues with commitment, but because he quite frankly prefers THIS life style, he gets sex, a girl (or two) to hang around) and all the freedom he wants.
And I agree with Lifton, that if he is stringing #1 around and then talking crap behind HER back, maybe that is how he treats women. After all... I can see how he thinks they are disposable. Not really a decent person.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2013): Only 5 months and you have this kind of problem? Move on!To say "casually, on and off" how can you have a relationship like that? And you're intimate! During your "off" time, he is with her or others. This sounds like FWB and that's all. Lots of friends, with lots of benefits, despite what he is TELLING you, the facts or actions show otherwise. It's easy to "blame" the other woman, say she is "psycho" and whatever else, but he encouraged her, and who knows what else goes on when you're not seeing him.He probably tells her the same thing. To her, you're the psycho!There is commitment phobe, and then there is FWB with multiple friends.You said it yourself, he is "close" to her, and THEY have been dating on and off for the past year too! Hello?She is jealous that he is "also seeing you" - hello?Keep telling yourself it's her, she is the nut, the emotional crutch, the psycho who won't let go because she loves him oh so much. When I wonder what he tells her - that you also have it for him, interested, dating, etc.When she cyberstalked you, that is when you RUN. She wasn't nasty, she shared how she felt about him, did you answer? Perhaps it's time to get her side of the story, and share what is really going on? He sounds like a player. Why don't both of you catch him out in his lies?If it's just FWB, then move on. If you are falling for him and want more, and he feels the same, then he needs to control this other woman, and set boundaries / ultimatum. Otherwise, who knows how far this will escalate!...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2013): Since this is only a casual relationship, all you have to do is move on. You don't have to deal with a psycho. She's his problem.
She's also his psycho "girlfriend." It's a sadistic relationship; and you're in a psycho-dramatic three-way! It's an open relationship, and they're both getting their kicks and sexual thrills at your expense.
Why should you back off? Perhaps because you're the one on the outside looking in. You might even be in harm's way.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2013):
 He's dating a "psycho" and she's in a "crazy phase" and he's all blase about it, kept her around for years and blah blah blah.
Definitely stick around if you want more psycho stalking from her and denial from him.
There are plenty of other guys out there to have phenomenal sex with, who don't manipulate psycho crazy women into sticking around for more emotional abuse.
I'd take his odd reaction to learning she'd stalked you as a sign he's not a keeper.
...............................
A
male
reader, massage +, writes (12 November 2013):
 The fact is there is no other woman if you haven't met her. He created her to control you. damn he is good...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. llifton, I think that you're right in that it is a good demonstration of his character, that he would keep someone around for his own benefit, who is obviously in deep pain over the situation. He is being more selfish than caring, making sure his needs are met, instead of taking her feelings into consideration. He and I spoke on the phone today and he is making excuses for her behavior, saying she's going through another of her "crazy phases"-- how much denial is he in?Honeypie, I don't think you get the gist of my post, which is not that I'm jealous of her, it's that she is contacting me and harassing me. Further, he's not having sex with her anymore. I do think that he's using her to get his emotional needs met, and to have a warm, caring body around, which keeps him from having to find someone to initiate a true, deep relationship with.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (11 November 2013):
 i, personally, would want nothing to do with a person who actively chose to treat another person this way. he knows how much she loves him and yet still drags her along and willingly hurts her. he uses her knowing the consequences it has to her well-being.
for me, this would be a deal-breaker. especially since you're not exactly drastically emotionally attached. the people i choose to surround myself with are people who i feel are sound of character and treat others acceptably. this is a huge red flag. what if you two were to ever get to a point where you wanted to get more serious down the line? would you be okay knowing this is how he treats people he gets involved with?
not to discount this girl is really a bit crazy. he's right. but if i had someone in my life who behaved this way, you better believe i'd remove them. i wouldn't tolerate someone messaging and confronting my friends that way.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 November 2013):
Like you said, you are NOT his GF, so there isn't anything you can "do". If you choose to have this.. "whatever it is" relationship it seems a little odd that you all of a sudden aren't OK with the other woman in his life.
Because it seems to me that he really has no phobia towards commitment, he just rather be single and play a few ladies at the same time. Kid in a candy store.
So as long as the "thing" is casual and you ACT like you don't have a problem, then it's kind of hard to have any say in what HE does.
She ISN'T going to back off. HE isn't going to drop her. He gets sex and gets to hang outwith 2 (TWO at least) women... why would he drop her?
THAT in a nutshell is what you get when you jump into these" so called" FWB things. It's not really about friendship, not is it about relationships - it's about sex without having to work for it.
My advice, figure out what you want, not what you THINK the guy wants.
IF you WANT a relationship, then don't jump into these kind of Fuck-buddy things. DATE a guy, become exclusive, THEN do the whole sex thing. I think at your age group... 30-35 - you should have an inkling about what you really want. And want more for yourself them just to "share a guy".
...............................
|
