A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met a man a year and half ago. He had just been divorced and has full custody of his two kids. We moved in together in January and now we are talking about getting married, but I have a major issue now. When I was moving my stuff in he didn't want me to have anything from my exs. He even went through my stuff to make sure. Recently I found some pictures he has stored away of him and his ex. Some of them are of them kissing and some of just them posed together. I know he has to hold onto some family pictures to show the kids one day, but is it fair for him to really have those still? He even still has his wedding rings in a box with their old family photo taped inside. He made sure I had gotten rid of my old engagement ring. I just feel like there are double standards and I'm not sure how to approach.
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female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (26 June 2015):
 Hon, rethink getting married to this man. He has some serious issues one of which is CONTROL. I also think that he might have issues with trust with you - even though you have done nothing to break his trust.
Think carefully before settling down with this man.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 June 2015):
 Well, see, in my opinion, he didn't go far enough. He should have bought an X-ray machine and hired two burly looking TSA agents with latex gloves. BRING BACK STRIP SEARCHES! What is wrong with this nation? New girlfriends will bring down the universe!
Seriously, I'd be upset as well. I would have turned around and taken off had a guy I was about to move in with start rifling through my stuff for contraband like I was some punk in a Scared Straight program.
That is such a massive RED FLAG, especially with the double standard thing going. Your memories are your own. Your pictures and engagement ring is your own. With his actions, he's saying "I own you in my house". That wouldn't fly with me.
Yes, you need to confront him on his crap. Don't allow his insecurity and baggage to control you. You do not have to compensate for his past.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2015): [EDIT] "Those kind of gestapo tactics would have had be doing an about-face out the door the moment he asked. That's just me!"
[CORRECTIONS] "Those kind of gestapo tactics would have had me doing an about-face out the door the moment he asked. That's just me!"
Sorry!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2015): You don't move-in with anyone before you have sat down; and discussed living-arrangements, finances, and house-rules.
You establish do's and don'ts; and declare any rigid pet-peeves "each" party has. It goes TWO-WAYS!!! This is done BEFORE you sign a lease; or commit to living with another person. Even as only a roommate. You're his girlfriend, not a boarder. Those kind of gestapo tactics would have had be doing an about-face out the door the moment he asked. That's just me!
When I committed to a new relationship; I voluntarily stored away (or disposed of) things from past dates, lovers, and my previous partner. I considered myself starting a new chapter in my life; but no man tells me what to do with my things. I'm gay, as you may gather.
You man was establishing household dominance, and assuming the position of authority; and you just passively accepted them without discussion or compromise. First mistake. Big mistake!
You disposed of your belongings and mementos, under orders.
Like you were surrendering personal-effects and sharp objects before entering your assigned prison cell. Second big mistake. Never been to jail, but I've seen prison shows.
You came to DC; before you went to him to discuss your feelings. You had better demand respect; or you will always feel like a house-guest. Not his lover, partner, and equal. I hope you can retrieve any items that were dear to you, or had sentimental-value. I understand that he would ask such things to be put-away, but disposed of altogether? Hell no!!!
Girlfriend, what's up with that? Who does he think he is?
Your warden? I'm surprised he didn't make you lean against the wall spread-eagle; while he frisked you down, and performed a body-cavity search!!! Just in-case you were hiding anything. Did he X-ray your luggage as well?
Now you're feeling weird after the fact?!! Seriously?!!
Going through your things and doing a homeland security inspection?!!! I think you've got a full-fledged male-chauvinistic sexist-neanderthal on your hands.
Well, you've got some back-peddling and script-editing to do. Homie has written the rule-book, and didn't offer you any say. Better speak-up, or you will find yourself answering to this guy like he's your drill-Sargent. You can't be too passive. Or else, you'll feel not only like a house-guest; but like one of the children. This kind of micromanaging-control over another adult is not only a warning-sign; but will become a deal-breaker. So don't unpack everything just yet. Call this a trial-period.
He does have to keep mementos of happier times with the mother of his children. It shows no malice or hard-feelings with their mother; but it doesn't give him any right to order you to dispose of your personal belongings. Even if they are from, or of, an ex. You better grow some big ones; because his guy is going to be bossing you all over the place. Give him power, and he'll get drunk with it.
My prediction is, you'll be storming out of that place in less than six months.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 June 2015):
 Urgh!
While I DO agree that keeping some pictures for the children I would NEVER have let my husband or a BF GO through my stuff and decide what I can keep and what I can't - that is RIDICULOUS!
And I don't see the point in keeping an engagement ring - why not sell it if you don't ever wear it? And who would wear an engagement ring that "belonged" to a broken relationship? A wedding ring MIGHT be passed down to one of the children, so again IT makes sense. BUT also AGAIN, I do not understand why HE should have the RIGHT to DICTATE what mementos you keep and which you sell/toss.
I think this is a PETTY squabble, but it also shows a deeper layer of him wanting full control over everything. I think you two need to talk this out without it being an argument, or THIS incident will set a "precedent" for further issues. With him having all the power and you... letting him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2015): I would say you have found his things and can't believe he would force you to part wth items when he doesn't apply that rule to himself. He sounds very strange, perhaps jealous? Don't rush into marriage with someone who would force you to throw memories away, to me that would be a warning signal of someone with trust issued and an element of being controlling.
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