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He has a crush on me but then why isn't he acting on it?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Crushes, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 March 2019) 6 Answers - (Newest, 16 March 2019)
A female Virgin Islands - British age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I am recently single...I was in a relationship with someone for 2 years and it ended 2 months back.

During the course of the relationship we frequented this bar and we were always together,drinking, kissing basically everyone in that bar who saw us knew that we were a couple including the manager.

Close to the end of the relationship i noticed , so did my ex that the manager had a huge crush on me.

When the relationship ended, i continued going back to the bar , alone , because i dont mind my own company.

Now that the relationship is over, for different reasons, i have developed a huge crush on this manager, though i am reluctant to act on it...maybe because even when he has made it obvious that he likes me, he hasn't made any moves on me...

he has inquired about my ex...i told him we were fighting...why does he have a crush on me and yet his not acting on it?

Anyway even me i dont know what i would do if he made his feelings known, but i wouldn't mind him as a friend cause his a pretty good guy..but these unspoken feelings make it difficult to be friends...because every time we meet we pretty much act like idiots...and plus the bar he manages is pretty pleasant that i wouldn't want to stop going there.

View related questions: crush, kissing, my ex

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (16 March 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntLots of answers come to mind.

Perhaps he already has a girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/partner.

Perhaps he is just a professional flirt and the attention he pays you is nothing more than that.

Perhaps he does not think he has time for a relationship, given his work.

Perhaps he is scared of rejection and is too shy to ask (despite his confident exterior).

We could keep guessing all day and maybe still not get it right.

If you really like this guy, you are going to have to go out on a limb and take a risk. Ask him about his situation. If there is no mention of a relationship, suggest going out for a drink when he is not working (somewhere different than where he works, obviously). It MAY turn out you have it all wrong and that he is just a flirt but if you don't find out you will always wonder "what if".

Be brave. Go for it. It might be worth it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2019):

She doesn't work there 'WiseOwl' she's a customer.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (14 March 2019):

How can he remain unbiased and not show favoritism on the job, if he's busy chasing female-workers on his staff? He would open himself up to a sexual-harassment complaints for making passes or moves on female-workers assigned under his management.

As a director, I know how my company frowns on fraternizing with my employees; and making the company liable, if I mess with the wrong person. It's even mentioned in our code of ethics and conduct manual.

It is also highly possible that you are misreading his friendliness as romantic-attraction. If he doesn't act on it, he has no intention of jeopardizing his job and position for being impulsive; and turning all your co-workers on him, because you're dating the boss. Quickest way I know to start gossip, lose respect of your employees, and possibly lose my job! I worked hard to get here!

You are two-months out of a relationship. You need time. The last thing you need so fresh from a breakup is another relationship. Even worse, going after people you work with or work under. You're vulnerable, and may not have a good sense of boundaries when it comes to your place of employment.

He may not like public-affection like you displayed with your ex; or dating people who hangout in bars. He may still like you, but I think he's doing the right thing by using his brain, and staying within proper professional-boundaries.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 March 2019):

Honeypie agony auntI agree that it CAN be professionalism. It can also be that HE isn't single himself. Or that he flirts with a lot of female patrons JUST for the fun of it. OE hw is unsure on just how SINGLE you are and whether you are OVER the guy you were dating.

IF you told him you were "fighting" with your now ex, when he inquired about my ex, he might think you two (you and your now ex) are taking a break and HE doesn't want to get in the middle of drama or two people's relationship problems. Like Cindy stated, fighting is NOT the same as being SINGLE.

You also say that you would like to be FRIENDS with him... So why not just get to know him better and talk to him when you are there? It seems like you WANT him to ask you out to STROKE your ego now that you are single. AS you STATE you are just looking to be FRIENDS.

Why not just take a little while and ENJOY being single, work on getting over your ex and setting some new goals for YOUR future? It's only been 2 months after all.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (14 March 2019):

CindyCares agony aunt I agree with Chigirl. Maybe it's the type of establishment where the staff is not supposed to hit on customers- ( and hitting on customers is not very professional anyway, although I am aware that this is a kind of rule which is often being disregarded, since, in the good old days when men used to hit on me quite frequently, I have been asked for my number by waiters, bartenders, bank clerks, store managers,cab drivers …. you name it ). Plus, he saw you coming to the bar with your bf, he asked you about him, you said " we are fighting ". Well, that's not a very clear answer , it 's not a green light ; " we are fighting " or " we are having problems " is not the same as " I am single " or " we broke up for good ". Maybe he wants to play it safe and won't make a move if he does not know for sure that you are free and single.

Alas, there is also the possibility that you got it wrong, and that you read as " a crush " what is normal " bar people " behaviour. Most of them are flirty and prodigal with compliments, it's good for the business.

I think you will have to take the initiative and sound him out . If you read him right, he won't let his chance pass him by. If you read him wrong- so be it . No big deal ; and no need for you to stop patronizing that bar. He surely would not change job if he asked a customer out and were rejected !

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (14 March 2019):

chigirl agony auntBecause he is a professional and he is at work when you meet him at the bar. That is my guess. You should be the one to make the first move, or you will have to find a way to meet him outside of work. Also, you might have just imagined it.

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