A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am getting married next week and I am having serious doubts. We have been to together 8 years (since we were 18) engaged for 5 and we have 2 children.We had a pretty much perfect relationship until his stag. About a week after he returned from his stag he admitted he had a private lap dance at a club. Now I know what people will say "it was his stag,.... It's harmless...it's all a bit of fun" but he knew I had a problem with it, I told him no strippers and I told his best man an two ushers no strippers.But after lying for a week about he expects me to believe he was pushed into it and its not his fault. Also half of his stag party waited outside so not to offend their partners. So it is so hurtful in so many ways. Since this I feel his not the man i thought he was. Other problems have arose from this too. Trust, respect, his ability to do right be me whether he will get a ribbing from his mates or not.Help. I have no time to get over it, process it etc he has risked upsetting me and losing weeks before our wedding. How can he say he cares for me????
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2014): So sorry to hear what happened in the end, usually you never find out what happened. I suspect you are not alone in having your relationship end over this issue. You are right, once the trust is gone its gone, he was no longer the man you thought and had you had enough time to get over it before the wedding----who knows perhaps you would have survived this. Stupid stupid man!
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female
reader, Clareamy +, writes (28 July 2014):
It has been about 16 months since my original post and I thought I would give everyone an update.
Well I did marry him and I'm still convinced I made the wrong decision. I always thought it was a cliche but it's true, once the trust is gone it's gone. Without trust there is no relationship. I have tried very hard to get past it but with little to no help on his part we have come to the end of our relationship.
To all those out there who are in relationships were you haven't made it clear what your boundaries are etc please do. My relationship was destroyed in one night because he underestimated how important something was to me.,
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2013): I would SERIOUSLY re-think marrying this man. I don't buy into all this "it was his last night to have fun" garbage. If he wanted to have "fun," then he should have stayed single.
OP, you are not overreacting. You are not wrong to feel the way you do. You trusted him and he broke that trust. I am not saying dump him, but please reconsider marrying him. You do not want to rush into anything with him right now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2013): He crossed a line with you, it's up to you to now decide whether that's a line too far. I can only say things from my point of view.
I've had lap dances with my fiancée, I've watched her get a private lap dance and she too has given me lap dances. I think they're awesome. To me it is just an erotic dance as erotic as twerking or every other kind of dance, every dance is intensely sexual, they all stem from mating rituals. I see more outrageous dancing in regular clubs, I've gotten more sexual with random women on dancefloors than in a strip club. It's an experience I find more fascinating and novel than I do sexual. The only time I ever truly found it sexual was when my fiancée got her private dance, that was unbelievable if I'm honest, watching her get teased and enticed that way, she loved it.
It's funny because I've dated girls who thought strippers were slags, but with a few drinks in them they're mauling the face off one of their girlfriends or grinding them on the dancefloor.
A lap dance is far more controlled, no touching, no nudity it's just having a woman that close doing a really awesome dance is a cool novelty. A normal saturday night out in town is far more depraved, women with no knickers lying in pools of their own vomit legs wide open, women getting fingered in the corner, flashing their tits, lifting up their skirts etc.
No strip clubs are very safe, clean environments and I always had a great time at them.
Having a stripper dance near you is just as sexual and taboo as having a normal girl in her nothing dress dance next to you on a dance floor in a nightclub.
But as I said, your boundaries are your boundaries, is this really something worth losing your family unit over? And yeah, he might be to blame, but there are 4 people who lose out here OP, not just you. I don't envy your decision to be honest, you haven't luxury here of only thinking what's best for you.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 March 2013):
 are you sure she was naked. Here women in clubs cannot dance naked
did he touch her? here men have to sit on their hands
was he clothed? here men have to wear all their clothing
Personally OP, I don't even know what to say to you since you clearly cannot or will not forgive him and you can't even attempt to see another POV.
I suggest you do HIM a favor and walk away right now.
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female
reader, Clareamy +, writes (27 March 2013):
Me again. I do understand what you are saying "cerberus". I don't believe he thought he could lose his family over this but he knew I would be devastated and feel betrayed. Not the best feeling to give your future wife weeks before your wedding.I had my hen the same night as his stag and my friends were drunk, loud, crazy having a laugh trying to get me to do crazy silly things but I said NO. Girls are just a bad for "last night of freedom" stuff but out of respect for future husband I said NO regardless of who I offend he is my priority.I truly expected the same mutual respect back. It makes it no better to say he was drunk because it begs the question if he can do that weeks before his wedding drunk with friends, what would he be capable of ay any other time.People have mentioned still can have "fun". I had the time of my life on my hen and I didn't need a completely naked man on me to do so. From now on my advice to people planning stags/hens my advice would be- set boundaries because apparently NO NAKED WOMEN ON YOU is something that has to be said to men about to get married.... amazing what a lovely world we live in.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2013): "How could you risk hurting someone who feels like this even a little bit?"
That's the thing OP, we do that all the time. Pretty much all of us do. Look I'm not excusing him hurting you or the pain you feel but risking hurting your partner "a little bit" is what you do any time you say 'no' to them.
My SO wanted to go to New York for Paddy's day this year, she said she needed to get away for a break and we'd have a really romantic time together but I said 'no'. I didn't see the point in going through all the hassle of travelling, the insane multiple hours "are you a terrorist" checks at US immigration and the long flights for two nights in New York. She was a "little bit hurt" that I couldn't see how that it would be worth it for the two of us to be there and "a little hurt" that I wouldn't do it just for her.
You know why she didn't hold that against me? The intention OP. If she thought my intention was to hurt her that I said no out of spite then that would be a major problem. Guess what though it still hurt her quite deeply. She assumed I was probably going to go, she had herself all worked up fully sure we'd be going and she felt she needed it, she assumed I knew that too because she'd thrown the idea out there loads of times so when I said no she was very hurt. But she didn't let it become something to blow up about because she knows in her heart if I'd known how seriously she felt about it I would have packed both our bags and dragged her to airport myself. Would yours have done what he did if he'd known it could lead to this?
OP I'm not perfect, I'm not a mind reader. Sometimes I'm not going to pick up on how serious something is for my fiancée especially when I don't think it's a big deal. She couldn't have been more obvious about how much it meant without directly saying it did, but I just didn't notice. But the intention is what counts.
You say why risk hurting someone's feelings just a little bit? Shit OP I do that almost every time I get drunk. Or every time I make an off colour remark as a joke, or every time I say anything about a woman's appearance.
My point is this OP. If he only thought it would hurt you a little bit while drunk and being egged on under the knowledge that he knew you didn't want him to but not knowing how deeply you resented the idea then this can be worked past if he's been trustworthy and loyal all these years. You're right to be pissed, your feelings are natural but again you never answered my question did he really do this knowing that he could lose you and the kids, or that it would be this profoundly painful for you? Or did he do this only because he didn't know how serious this was to you?
The intention is key here OP, if he knew then don't marry him for now. If he didn't know and you feel him now knowing means he'll never cross that line again, then this can be worked past.
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reader, oldbag +, writes (27 March 2013):
 Hi
I cannot believe that this one lap-dance on his stag do is causing you to doubt marrying him and a future together.
A 'perfect 8 year relationship' you say, well are you sure you haven't had other doubts before? How long does a lap-dance last - an hour max? And you are considering your future without him after years together.
Yes he has 2 children, so do you,you had them together.It doesn't mean you stop having fun though.
He was definately wrong to lie,he must have known how you would react,but when your out with mates and probably very drunk, you just go with the whole atmosphere,it was his night.
If you really feel that he crossed a line then tell him,but think long and hard before you do anything drastic
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2013): Hi
He was honesty and had nothing to hide. You on the other hand have a lot of baggage from the family history with strip clubs.
Guys do go to strip clubs for their stag so nothing unusual. Give him the benfit and walk down the isle. You just need to ensure you deal with your baggage from the issues in your family or your marriage will end in disaster.
You need to let go of you family history and start trusting.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2013): "So to those who say it was his last "hooray" and he was a "single man" HE WAS NOT. THAT DAY WAS THE DAY BEFORE ME MET ME. He is a Father and has things and others to consider at ALL TIMES."As a guy who loathes the idea of strippers at bachelor parties (tawdry and demeaning to all involved) and given that the "bachelor" in question is a father who would be also considered a common-law husband in some places, I share OP's opinion and will further say that under these circumstances the idea of "bachelor's" friends giving him any kind of stag party is unnecessary and superfluous (though I must add that I would also find the idea of a mother-of-two's friends throwing her a bridal shower in the same situation to be just as unnecessary and superfluous). At the risk of sounding old-fashioned, considering the arrival of two children before or during a five-year "engagement," this wedding is long overdue and anything other than a quiet civil ceremony and small intimate reception would be really overdoing it. Not excusing baby daddy's initial dishonesty, but by going against your wishes his best man put him on the spot and his only choice was go along or alienate his friends. Not as easy for the guest of honor to sit out the strip club as his conscientious friends. He did fess up fairly quickly, and to the stripper it was just another day at the office and he was just another customer. Besides, the time to have had doubts about marrying him was BEFORE you had two children with him. You're stuck with him or life as your baby daddy times two, no matter what.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2013): Malvern, no he would not have looked like an idiot if he had said that to his friends!. He would have looked like an honest, faithful, decent human being!. He shouldnt care what his friends think anyway. He should be more concerned with what his fiance thinks. And hello, his friends might not be married, or even be engaged to be married ( they shouldnt even be unfaithful to their girlfriends ), whereas he is due to get married. There's a big difference!!.
And if a man wants to have "fun", as people here are stupidly calling it, they shouldn't get married!!. And it wasn't a "last night of freedom". The minute you enter a relationship with someone and from then onwards you arent "free" to anyone!!.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2013): I am replying to my own question-sorry I'm not sure how this site works.There are a few things I probably should of put on my original posts but I was a mess at the time. First of all I know exactly how it looks at strip clubs. My sister was a stripper for a year or so and I heard the horror stories. One of the reasons I am so against it. I don't want to get too into it but and parents relationship needed about 18 months ago because it came to light that for their whole marriage my Dad had been having affairs and going to strip clubs while she was at work and we were at school. Which naturally crushed my Mum and us all and our family has been in pieces since.As for the planning of the stag for these reasons the best man and I said its probably best not to have strip clubs on the itinerary. Also because his girlfriend is VERY against this sort of thing. Obviously he knew all this and knows that I am at my lowest at the moment emotionally and he was the last person in the world I put my trust into. How could you risk hurting someone who feels like this even a little bit? How could he pick now to test the boundaries of our relationship? How could he do this when I have no time to forgive him for it?So to those who say it was his last "hooray" and he was a "single man" HE WAS NOT. THAT DAY WAS THE DAY BEFORE ME MET ME. He is a Father and has things and others to consider at ALL TIMES.Last thing to won't need my dress "taking out" I have am 8st normally and I have lost 7lb through stress, upset and despair and the dress no longer fits me anyway.
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female
reader, malvern +, writes (27 March 2013):
 You're over reacting. It was a stag party most probably organised by friends. Things go on that we women don't even want to know about. Your partner would have felt and looked like a real idiot saying ' my girlfriend won't allow me to have a lap dancer etc.etc. at my stag party' and had to along with the flow. Don't throw away all those years together for the sake of one stag party.
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female
reader, CANDY61 +, writes (27 March 2013):
This man is the father of your children and has been with you for 8 long years, go ahead and get married to this man, please do not throw all this love out of the window for a little meaningless lap dance. His grooms*men got together and paid this girl to give him a lap dance, that is her job, it's not like she's his girlfriend, he'll never see this girl again and for the most part he didn't have to tell you so apparently he felt bad about and told you.I don't know where have you been but these are the type of things that goes on at the stag parties, he was only having fun his last night of being SINGLE, he knows once he get married he has to be a faithful husband.I'm not trying to trash your feelings, only trying to get you to see that there's nothing to a lap dance on the last night of being a single man. I'm sure his grooms*men kept throwing drinks at him so he had one too many and went for it just like any other man would have done.You'll be suprise to know what some of these brides does on their last night of being single.If a lap dance were that big of a deal and you took a survey of what went on at the bride and groom's last night of being single, I'll be willing to bet you 90% of married people would be in divorce court and the other 10% like myself just couldn't find or get a man to get a strip dance.Sweetie, you have nothing to worrie about, try and get that out of your head.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2013): This shows that your fiance, his best man, ushers, and other friends who were there have no respect for you. They didn't respect your wishes when you asked for there to be no strippers. I have a boyfriend, and i would never trust him again if he did that, to be honest.I think stag nights are stupid. I don't see why there are strippers there. It's giving the groom a chance to be unfaithful before he gets married!. And yes, i do think a lap dance is being unfaithful. I think it's just as bad as someone having intercourse, as the stripper is doing the same movements that people do during sex. I guess it's like dry humping ( having sex with clothes on ). Think of it this way. Would it be ok if another woman, who wasnt a stripper, did that?. No, it wouldn't. Forget that this woman was a stripper. This was still another woman performing sexual movements on your fiance.I don't want to hurt your feelings,but are you sure that he hasn't been unfaithful before this happened with the stripper?. This doesn't seem like something that a faithful guy would do. Only you can decide what you want to do, but personally, i would call off the wedding and leave him. Please let us know what you decide to do, and all the very best of luck to you.
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female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (27 March 2013):
 I am torn. This problem is not just about the lap dance. It's also about the fact that he tried to hide it from you for a week (but obviously fessed up, or you wore him down, I'm not sure which one). Yet some of his buddies, who do respect their girlfriends or wives had the decency to wait outside in the hall so as not to betray their other half. I can see how this would infuriate you. Also his buddies have no respect for you. How can you ever invite them to dinner in the future? Unfortunately postponing the wedding seems a little drastic but the reality is this. You are not going to trust him for a long time after this. Every time he wants to go hang out with these same guys, you are going to wonder what they have cooked up for your man? And if you later ask him "So what did you guys do last night?" you'll never really believe anything he says because you'll assume he's probably lying again to cover the truth. The question really is if the two of you can get past this? Can he put up with being under your microscope for the next 2 years (yes it will probably take that long) and can you learn to trust him anytime sooner than that? If you feel this strongly and believe this is going to undermine the trust in the relationship and create more stress and more fights postponing the wedding might be a good idea. But can you do that easily? If you were planning to have a fairly low-key event you could probably delay it by a month or so to make a point to him. But if you've sent out invitations, have out of town guests who have already made travel arrangements I think it would be in poor taste. Only you know what the deal breaker is. Choose wisely.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2013): person12345 is wrong here I must say. Talk to friends and family and they'll all probably push you to go ahead, that it's not a big deal or that it can be forgiven. A guy going for a lap dance at his stag doesn't say half as much about his ability to commit and stay faithful than 8 years and two kids so that point is bullshit right there.
You say you told him not to, did you make sure he knew you wouldn't marry him if he did? What I'm trying to say OP do you really think he would have went through with this if he thought he was going to lose you and the kids, for meaningless lap dance?
If yes, then dump him, simple as that. If not and you just told him not to, then forgiveness is possible if he didn't know how serious it was for you.
OP thread carefully here, you're judging a relationship that was perfect for 8 long years as you call it until one little mistake. You're talking about letting a lap dance take all that away from you?
Have you even ever had one? If not then how can you know what it's like or how "bad" it is?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2013): Wow. Just wow. Postpone the wedding? Person 12345 what kind of advice is this? I have had a lap dance before, obviously not on my stag party, but I have felt more sexual provocation from looking at a porn, hell it is more stimulating looking at a supercar than it is getting a lap dance. For guys the act of seeing a naked girl will never get old but the feeling of seeing it does not penetrate into something more. You just dont have feelings for it. Hard to explain, and I dont think i did a very good job.For what its worth I have seen future brides on their hens nights do worse than that. I have been to plenty of bucks parties that have got a bit wild but I have never seen quite the things I have seen at hens nights. OP you need to understand that while I could appreciate you not liking it, imagine how difficult it would have been for the groom to get out of it, especially if his best man is egging things on. Yeah it is weak but appreciate it for what it is. I have to admit though if my gf got a stripper for her hen's night I probably wouldnt be preaching tolerance. So good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2013): Most women don't have a clue what happened at the groom's stag party. In fact, they don't want to know.Unfortunately, you do. This is the father of your two children and mate for 8 years. You're already married in some states; if you live together. I'm just reminding you.Making no excuses for his deplorable behavior, I have to remind you...it isn't just about you. You have two children, and he is their father. You don't tell the groom what YOU don't want at HIS stag party; because his friends normally set it up without his knowledge.There would probably be no marriages; if women based marrying the groom on what happened at his stag party. Aside from having actual sex with another woman (or a farm animal) the night before his wedding. Most guys would pass a lie detector test, because they don't remember. Trust me.Unfortunately, alcohol (and other drugs) may be a major component of stag parties. Again, I'm making no excuses. Things get out of hand, and the groom knows this is his last party and final hoorah. He is off the market forever; if he is fortunate enough to marry the right woman.Who expects the female half to understand the male's point of view on this? That is, unless she had muscle-bound naked men bumping and grinding at the female bridal party. I'm gay and I've been to several. They're wonderful! But that isn't your issue. If this is an issue that you really can't get over, then you can put everything on hold; while your father has a major heart-attack, and your mother will drink herself into a coma. All your brides-maids will have to figure out what to do with those "dresses" YOU picked out, and they've starved for months to fit into. How long do you think these women can go without eating, woman?Lap dances are not having sex. Both parties keep their clothes on, and you act like you caught your man naked in bed with a prostitute! He confessed to you for crying out loud!!! Do you have any idea what a major no-no that is in the male rule book? He has lost his membership in the club!These things have been happening at stag parties since the beginning of time, and you have a problem with it? He could have wound up tattooed,hungover, and incarcerated in Tijuana!I think you are totally over-reacting; and have serious issues with insecurity, after being with the same man for eight years and mothering two of his children. Most women have been trying to find the guy who fathered their child for that span of time!My dear, I am by no means down-playing your feelings; nor making fun of you. I'm just trying to make you see that this is what goes on before most weddings; and you, unfortunately, had to stick your nose where it didn't belong.If you think the rest of those guys stayed outside out of fear of their women, the jokes on you. Everybody got a lap dance! So everyone better go out and get a divorce or breakup with their girlfriends. Right? Get real!!! What happened? Someone get their balls in a vice and spilled the beans? Also against the male rule book.GET OVER IT, GET MARRIED, AND BE HAPPY! He confessed what 99.999% of other grooms wouldn't. Trust him, he's stuck by you all this time. Now you're getting wedding jitters? Making excuses because you need more time before you can fit into that wedding dress or what?This is what happens when you don't have a gay best-friend to slap some sense into you. HE LOVES YOU, BETTER GO PRESS YOUR WEDDING GOWN! (Just have it taken out a little.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): I agree with Person, you shouldnt get into a marriage when you are having trust issues. Postpone the wedding. ESPECIALLY if you need time to get over it or if you are having doubts, because honestly, Id be having doubts too.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (26 March 2013):
 I think you should postpone the wedding while you sort out your feelings on the issue. It definitely raises some serious questions about his ability to commit and stay faithful if he agreed to no strippers, then got a lap dance and lied about it for a week. You should postpone and talk to your friends and family about how to proceed.
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