A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is the situation: I took some distance from a friendship that was turning into somewhat of an emotional affair some months ago after asking your advice. I wrote the friend explaining how I felt and that the best thing would be to not have frequent contact. I also added that I valued our friendship more than some random feelings that would eventually fade and when they did I would check up on him.He did not reply so I took it as him agreeing with what I suggested. A few months passed and everything around me was reminding me of him so I figured I should call him to check up on him... even though my feelings had not faded at all. I asked his best friend back for his number because I had removed his contact info. I know! Bad move. Anyway he answered the phone and sounded really down... not the cheerful person he usually is. Come to find out all these months he was so angry with me for sending that email. He said I broke his heart and he was thinking we were finally going to be together and then I crushed his dreams and he was really disappointed. There were a lot of silences in the conversation and I was caught off guard by his reaction. I felt like a jerk for sending that email, but we both have families and I want to protect that. I did not want to hurt him, I did not think we had a relationship going on, we just talked a lot and told each other how we feel and flirted occasionally. I didn't want to lead him on thats why I took some steps back. We have been friends for years and I don't want to loose that. He has agreed to meet me to talk things out when he is in town, but now I am thinking that is a bad idea because I do still cherish deep feelings for him. What do you think? Should I meet him or should I just pretend he is not around and continue supressing my feelings? I just don't want him to think I am a selfish witch... I care about him but I also care about my family. He did not want to leave his gf (now wife!) for me when I was single but now that I am married he expects me to just dump my husband. It seems quite selfish to me... We never even discussed anyone leaving a spouse. Why did he have all these expectations? Can anyone shed some light? Thanks!
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affair, best friend, crush, flirt Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your insights guys! Ofcourse I have considered all that you have mentioned and I do want to do the sensible thing...It is difficult for me the stop seeking attention as Gamine puts it, especially because my husband is very cold and distant. I love him alot and we have talked about the fact that I need his affection, but nothing changes.I really do want to honor my vows to him but I feel starved for affection and romance. He rarely hugs me and calls me honey. Regardless I keep trying my best to remain the same loving person I was, but I feel as if my well has run dry not getting what I need. I know I sound really selfish and selfcentered. I don't know what's wrong with me.Maybe I am not able to love unonditionally, maybe I always will need affirmation, and love in return. Gosh, I wish I could just turn my feelings off and live happily ever after. I am really confused, I do not want to leave my husband and son at all. I just want the inapropriate feelings to go away and have my friend in my life as I always had.But I guess I will not be able to have it all....Thanks guys!
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (5 October 2010):
 You need to stop all contact with him. You both admit you have feelings for each other, but since both of you are married there is absolutely no reason for you two to temp yourselves. You have to accept that your "friendship" is over. You two cannot continue simply as friends. More specifically, YOU may be able to continue just as friends... but he has proven that he cannot. Even before you finished your story I could tell his not answering your email was not a sign of agreeing, it was a sign of anger and hurt.
There is no simple way of fixing this, unfortunately. Don't temp yourself or him, just eliminate all contact with him. I'm sorry, but this is your only option.
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A
male
reader, Cccc  +, writes (5 October 2010):
 Oh youre in a world of hurt if you leave your Husband !
Not only you but if you have children then its even worse.
Im not saying dont think about yourself but do keep your family in mind,Cause they might just be gone if you decided to leave them/him.
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