A
female
age
30-35,
*edep
writes:ok, long story- When I was in a really bad place in my life I half stumbled across this guy, we went on a date "just for fun" as it was- he then made moves and made everything a lot more intense, he was the first one to say "I love you" he was the one to make promises for life, and plan and I completly and utterly fell for him. It was amazing and all too much to be true- after about two months, I went on holiday with my family for 8 days and when I came back, he rang me and said he didnt love me anymore but didnt "want to lose my friendship" Of course I was completly crushed, but I thought that maybe he was going through a lot of problems in his life and I just gave him his space. We still hung out and slept together/dated, but he slowly crept futher away. Now he's saying he "doesent Feel the need to talk to me every day" and im so hurt and angry. He does have a lot of stresses in life but thats no excuse for him to just drop me like a ragdoll? I'm so angry and hurt and I dont know how to react, I want to just throw all this back in his face, because all I've done is be there for him and support him as hes pushed me away. What do you suppose his reasons are and how should I react now? im just so all over the place with my emotions and reactions? Help please :(
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (10 February 2015):
 I'm with YouWish ALL the way here.
The guy is a FLAKE. He supposedly fell out of love because you were on a 8 DAY vacation? Seriously? If that isn't a flake and a half, I don't know... Flakes are usually charming in the beginning then stop, because it's an act. And not an act they can sustain.
And the whole "I LOVE YOU" so soon? It's NOT that he ACTUALLY LOVED you, but because he thinks saying "I LOVE YOU", will get him laid... And it worked, didn't it?
CUT HIM OFF! He isn't a friend, and he sees you as a person he can USE and throw away when it suits HIM. THAT IS not a friend, is it?
BLOCK his number, delete his number, block and unfriend on social sites and set YOURSELF FREE of this leech.
And then LEARN from this.
1. Don't have sex with a guy in HOPES that it will lead to a relationship. Don't have SEX with a guy because YOU are in a "bad place" - it tends to only exacerbate the issues and attract the "wrong" kind of guy.
2. If you feel a guy is NOT treating you right, let him go, INSTANTLY. (like when you got back from vacation and he no longer "loved you" - then you say OK BYE!! - because obviously the guy isn't a keeper.) Don't take crap because you think you should be nice or polite. Or because "maybe" he didn't really mean it. If a guy says, I don't feel it. I'm not into you... BELIEVE it, and walk away, unless you want some half-arsed relationship.
3. a Guy who comes on to you like a hurricane with 200 mile an hour winds isn't sincere. It's an act. Panty/knicker dropping act. He will crash & burn, and RUN out of steam fast enough. And then move on to another girl.
4. Love is NOT instant. There is no pour it on, add sweet words and BOOM you have love! ATTRACTION can be instant, infatuation can be instant, that isn't LOVE, that is LUST. Lust CAN lead to love. But sometimes lust is just.... lust.
YouWish did the beer/fine wine analogy (which I like) but you can also look at it like a sprint/marathon. Love in NOT a sprint. ANY one can run a short distance. LOVE takes work, takes effort, and it gets better and better over time - and when you HIT a wall.. well, if it's LOVE, you PUSH through and keep at it.
It's OK, we have all had our "flake" in life, now... you have had yours. YOU now know what to avoid.
DRY your eyes, don't beat yourself up for falling for this flake's "game", but at the same time - DON'T fall for it again. Not from him, not from some other smug flake.
And lastly, THIS IS NOT about YOU not being GOOD enough to date or love. THIS is about YOU learning to have personal boundaries and learning what behavior you WILL and WILL not accept. It's a hard knock (emotionally at least) lesson, you can take it and accept it for the lesson it is, or you can continue to make a guy make you feel like crap.
Chin up!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2015): Dear OP,the only thing I know,do and follow- you never,ever sleep with exes!I repeat: N-E-V-E-RHe wants to be friends: cool. Then you are just friends. He wants sex-ummm,sorry,no. Friendship does not equal sex.Answer me this,please : do you sleep with all of your other friends? The girls and the boys? No? I thought so too. relationship=sex (most cases at least-I mean few exceptions and you are free to do as you wish if you are not in a relationship of course)Seriously, in this case, personally,I'd be so angry if I were you, that I'd have served him a dose of his own medicine... You are not in a relationship, right? So go on and hook up with a hottie (use protection,of course.Safe fun!). See how your "just friend" likes that.Due to above rule, that I have never broken so far (may it long stay that way! Please,please,please stay that way :) ),I've never been in this predicament,but if I were to put myself in your shoes I'd cut all contact off.He doesn't want to be "just friends". To me, it just looks like he wants his cake and to eat it too. And, amazingly, so far, he has been able to get it away with it!!! Why should he change his ways?He would see no reason to do so.A broken heart/shattered dreams is a bitch :( I know,but sometimes there is no other way :(Hugs!Love,the Nonny
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 February 2015):
 There's a word for what this guy is, and that word is FLAKE. As in, Frosted Flakes, Corn Flakes, Bran Flakes, Pencil Flakes, Snowflakes, and my personal NOT-favorite, Dandruff Flakes.
Your little flake had his warning signs:
1. Got intense and physical right off the bat.
2. Said "I love you" way too soon. Two months is insanely way too fast.
3. Out of the blue fell out of love without any provocation.
4. Keeps you on a leash while hedging his bet with the next "Two month love of his life".
5. Makes future plans and gives lip service to things that aren't talked about within the first 2 months.
This one is why you fell for him: You were in a "bad place". That tends to shut down the left side of your brain -- the part that says "This is going way too fast!" The part that has no time for sugary words.
You need to stop being there for him. Detach emotionally. You never should use a guy for therapy to fix rough patches in your life. Stop trying to empathize with the guy's purported "Stresses" because he's not doing the same for you.
In fact, guys who move this fast oftentimes are doing it behind someone else's back, like a wife's or other girlfriend's. I'd say your chances are 50/50 that this is the case.
Now -- STOP being friends with him. He is NOT your friend. You want to get over him and get a handle on your emotions and reactions?? CUT HIM OFF! Flakes are meant to be dropped.
This is dangerous though. A flake who is also a player or user of women will call you for a booty call. They'll say whatever it takes to get into your pants, putting you right back to square one. You need to get away from him. Block him, don't text him, delete yourself off of his social media. If you can avoid him, don't go after him.
Flakes truly suck, and while most people react to a fast-burning flake, people in vulnerable or damaged situations in life like it sounds like you were at the time of first date tend to fall for it, then fall hard, then really get their cheese scrambled by El Flakeasaurus Rex.
People don't start talking about love within 2 months! Love isn't a word that's used so cheaply. Infatuation is the butterflies and the whole "We complete each other's sentences" nonsense, only to find that you're still strangers at 2 months. Love is no microwave oven! True love and trust take a lot longer. Love means more than "OMG I'm sooooo feeling it!". People can go years with someone before love is certain....at the very least, several months, time enough to be together beyond the "FLAMEOUT" part.
I love using analogies on here, so please indulge me in making my point again:
His version of love is like a cheap beer. It tastes like cat piss but at the bar, you drink it down and wait for the bartender to bring another one so that you can drink it without thinking. The next morning you wake up with a hangover and a deep nausea for all things cheap.
A TRUE version of love is like a vintage expensive Chateau Latour wine. It takes time to grow with great and painstaking care, vintage, then open and breathe. Drinking it is a journey where every sip is to be savored like a truth. It's good for the heart and the next morning, you wake up thinking it's good to be alive and that life has meaning with wine like that!
Drop HIM like the Flake he is.
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