A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is going to be long, sorry :X My boyfriend and I have been dating since our high school days (started when we were 17, now we are 23/24). We've been living together for 2 years now and are both in university. However, lately we've been fighting a lot and this came up: He never had any friends (only acquaintances) of his own (we have mutual friends) in undergrad. He now has a group of fairly outgoing co-workers and he wants to go out with them and this may or may not include drinking into the night/morning. He doesn't want to invite me because:1) other people don't invite their significant others2) he says that they won't like me because I'm not socially skilled (I am socially lacking, but it's also true of him)3) freedom if I'm not there (he says the mere fact that I'm there will restrict him from "everything" and make it stressful/suck the fun out) So my questions are1. Should I feel insulted that he says that they won't like me even though it's a fairly accurate statement? 2. How often do couples go out without the other person? 3. Is it unreasonable of me to feel uncomfortable with him staying out late without me? (like past 3am or something) His co-workers who do have significant others don't seem to care if they stay out very late without them. How late do you feel comfortable with your significant other staying out drinking/going to a bar/club?
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male
reader, xnickx  +, writes (14 July 2010):
 dont go spend the night in a hotel room. Dont make him wonder. thats asking for trouble.First, your only going to be dwelling on him and what he's actually doing the whole time. And second, by you acting sneaky, thats going to invite him to act sneakier. If you want to go out with a group of girlfriends, thats fine, even if for no other reason but to stop wondering what he's doing. But stick to your plans and what you tell him.You said he 'now' has a group of fairly outgoing co-workers, and that he 'wants' to go. this leads me to believe that they are new co-workers, and that he has never gone before.hes seeking your approval. i doubt he's sneaking around. And since they're new, he may want to get to know them a little better before introducing you to them or vice versa. Especially if they are outgoing.Anyways, if i were you, i'd give him your aproval, let him go by himself. If it becomes a repetitive thing, after a couple times by himself, ask if you can go with him and you'd love to meet them and youre not at all worried what they think.There should be no problems then, and if he doesnt let you go, well, then i'd start thinking maybe something was going on. But i wouldnt assume anything yet.Nick.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 July 2010):
 Talk about lacking social skills! you man really lacks any kind of TACT!
When I was your age and lived with my then BF we would go out separately and together. We weren't joined at the hip, but I knew his friends and he knew mine. We would at times all end up at the same place/bar/club anyways.
What can I say? Other then YOU start to go out on your own and see how he likes that.
I think his comments were pretty heartless and cynical.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (14 July 2010):
 Yes couples can have their own social lives. But his reasoning for doing so is questionable.
1. He should never have said that. That is not normal behavior for loving people. If they don't like you, then he should choose you over them.
2. This is irrelevant, it is not about going out seperate, it is about the reasons to do so.
3. There is having seperate social lives and their is partying on your own. Part of being a couple is doing things together. This doesn't mean you have to be joined a the hip, but if a couple doesn't even like going out together, then why bother?
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (14 July 2010):
 Why not get some of your own friends to go out drinking with? Yes, this is normal. He wants to bond with his coworkers. I mean if he did this a lot and never invited you, that would be one thing. But if he's just going this once, then he's probably worried that if he's the ONLY one with a significant other there, he'd be singled out. And it's true, if you were there, he'd feel really obligated to attend to you, rather than socialize with them. Also, you say you've been fighting a lot. He probably just needs a night on his own/without you. It happens, doesn't mean anything, but you should probably try to fix whatever you're fighting about. I'm concerned about the fun suck statement. That's pretty tactless of him to say (unless you were fighting about this too) and it doesn't show a lot of confidence to agree with it. If you think you're a fun suck, why don't you work on it? Try to be more, fun.
But to answer your bottom questions:
1. Yes, that's a very insulting and weird thing to say. It's pretty obnoxious. I think you should dig a little more on this one. If he's worried they won't like you, it means he sees a lot of negative traits in you, and that's not good. It could even mean HE doesn't really like you right now. Maybe because you've been fighting so much?
2. Varies from couple to couple, but there will always be SOME times when one person goes out without the other.
3. Yeah, 3 AM is a little excessive. I'd probably be a little uncomfortable, but you have to trust him. You can't prevent him from going and if you try or affix yourself to him and force him to bring you, you're going to start a HUGE rift in your relationship. You just have to trust him.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (14 July 2010):
 1) I'd be slightly insulted that he felt that way about me, but if you feel it to be accurate, that would definitely mitigate the level of insult.2) Couples go out without the other person very often. In fact, I need my space, and that includeds some "Me time" alone or with my friends. While your lives are together, nobody is meant to be together 24/7. It's too much, and can lead to problems in the relationship. It is perfectly healthy to maintain friends and activities that do not include the significant other.3) This begs the question: how much do you trust him? If you trust that he isn't cheating, it shouldn't be a problem unless it starts to effect his work or other duties.On a side note, there is an old saying, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Maybe a some separate activity time might help with all the fighting you've been doing lately. I'm not suggesting you break up, or even take a break, but a night out without eachother might be just what the doctor ordered.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2010): Sounds like your realationship is about to come to an end. If he doesn't want you to go with him he must have something to hide. Maybe you should tell him your going out with some girlfriends of your own. Even if you don't have any friends or don't want to go out without him. Simply go spend the night in a hotel room and let him wonder where you've been. Let him see how it feels.
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