A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear All, I have had a volatile 2 year relationship with my bf for around 3 years. In the last few months I have felt stronger and been going out again with friends, standing up to him and generally getting over it. He has responded by being more attentive and in the last week we have seen each other nearly every night - that was unheard of before. We would see each other once a week or less, but the last couple of months its a lot more, as he can feel me withdrawing. I still love him and have had a talk with him so he knows. My issue though is this. I have access to his emails. He does not know this. On Saturday night I went out clubbing with friends. he knew about this. On sunday evening I checked his emails and he had responded to an advert for a girl saying she wants some company over the Easter holidays for a smoke etc. She asked him to send a photo. He emailed her back saying call me and added his number to the email. I have checked since and seen no follow up so far, I also saw he had been snooping round on the same dating site. I was upset, and called him to come over last night. He came and i asked him if he was looking for anyone else? and he said no that I am enough for him and how much he loves me. I told him my instincts were telling me otherwise as I could hardly say I snooped in his emails. and he flat out denied it, and after having checked again it seems he looks at sites occasionally, but I cant see any emails following it up so far. none of it makes sense as he has been so attentive and all over me recently and anxious about losing me. He has never been as loving as he has been in the last few months since he has seen I am serious that if things don;t improve I will leave. He said he didn't think I wanted to see him last night after going out the night before, but seemed pleased I has asked him and I can see how insecure he has been feeling recently and assured him that if things improve we do have a future. I am confused at his actions of stepping things up then this website thing. He has been acting jealous and asking me if I still love him and has been jumping through hoops to please me. our views would be much appreciated. Thanks
View related questions:
clubbing, insecure, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHes been lovely for weeks since he thinks im leaving. I won't hold that over him but i did say to him that i know he feels a bit insecure at the moment. He agreed.
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (21 April 2014):
He's cheating on you, period.
I'd be willing to bet that he's cheating because he's insecure and you're snooping because you're insecure and he's paying attention to you more because he's insecure and is afraid of rejection and being alone.
This relationship isn't a good one, and being in denial of that fact will only make things worse. I mean, how sorry could he honestly be if he's cheating on you?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): Getta is right. He's frightened of losing you and is only 'checking' that he might still be desirable to another woman if you leave him. He really does love you and is afraid he will lose you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Tisha, Standing up to him meaning, not laying myself on the line and being available for him all the time.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): I haven't gone as far as checking my boyfriends emails, but from other posters on this site it seems to be one of the ways that they have found out about their boyfriends, fiancés or husbands cheating ways or by even accidentally discovering affairs if a husband's email was left open. I am not saying it is right to snoop, but now a days one really needs to know the person they are dating and whether that entails a background check then so be it. A person could can give you one face, a mask, and then be a totally different person underneath. As a precaution, a background check is a good thing in my estimate. One could be dating a serial rapist or murderer for all one knows. I'd rather know before hand about the person before a relationship gets too deep or serious and before your life is in danger.Err on the side of caution is my motto.But, you have found your answer. He is looking outside of the relationship, wants his cake and eat too (sounds cliché, I know) but that is the way it is with this guy and he lies to you. He is covering it up by whispering sweet nothings into your ear or being all sweet and nice and hoping this will lead you off his trail.Don't buy into it.There are plenty of other guys out there that will treat you like the princess that you are.I'd be moving on. He has shown his true colors.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Getta, yes I agree, I did think of that. I had better show some form of commitment and see how it goes?
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 April 2014):
 What does "standing up to him" mean then? That's an odd phrase to use in a loving relationship.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo Tisha, Hes not abusive at all. I'm not sure it;s even about regular ex. hes a vry good looking guy and would not have to try too hard to find someone. No, its not healthy. I am ashamed I have scrapped the bottom of the barell and hacked his emails, but in a way its better to know. surely? He has been so attentive for the last few months as I have withdrawn as i said, so just wondering what the hell is going on. I do love him, but not the same.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 April 2014):
Are you hoping that somehow this shows that he has changed, that the fear of losing you will turn him into a loving and reliable partner? You must have feelings for him or you wouldn't stick around for this, but honestly, is this relationship healthy for you?
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 April 2014):
Maybe he's afraid of losing a guaranteed sex partner?
Is the word "volatile" code for him being abusive and a cheater?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk Guys, Ease up. I don't feel god about what I have done and do feelings for this man. x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers. yes, I get the moral but re: hacking his emails. I am not proud of it!! but I had my suspicions, and the way I see it it is better t know than not to know. My actual question is about WHY this is how it is and his confusing behavior. xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): You knew you couldn't trust him - that was the end of your relationship but, instead of accepting that, you decided to snoop.
Just let go; this is not worth it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 April 2014):
You have "access to his emails." So you are basically a hacker. Which is illegal. You have descended to the level of criminal actions so you can keep tabs on the boyfriend you already know isn't good for you.
Using words like "volatile relationship" and "standing up to him" indicate a really lousy unhealthy awful relationship in the first place. So you took to hacking his emails, which now makes you prosecutable, wow, that's really not a healthy way to deal with this.
I think this relationship has virtually no hope of ever surviving in the long haul. The only way you stand a chance is to get into couples counseling. And for heaven's sake, stop hacking his emails. That's just ridiculous. If it's devolved to that level it really does sound like it's over. Sorry.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): In your boyfriends' shoes, if I so much as got a whiff that you snooped around my emails I would dump you on the spot.
Whatever happened to privacy and respect?! You do not have the right to be snooping in someone else's emails. If you were married it might be ok, but in this case you seriously breached some boundaries.
As you discovered, he's not trustworthy. He solicits other women and lies to you. You're on and off together and you have to jump through hoops to prove love to each other.
There's so much wrong with this relationship that there really is no point in flogging this dead horse.
...............................
|
