A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a guy for three months. Tonight he split up with me. He's 37, I'm 35. He is separated but married and wife is in a different town and they are getting divorced. I'm recently out a relationship too so I saw this as a bit of fun - I was never expecting to meet someone I really liked. We have so much in common it's unbelievable and I know that's rare. He says he feels the same. It's just timing. He says he has to call it off because he is a train wreck at the moment. When we got together he never hid he's gone through a major life change including changing career and moving countries. I'm not sure what to believe - I know he is probably being honest but it's making me question if he's just met someone else or got back with his wife. I'm not sure what to do. Should I try and remain friends as things may change in future? Should I just never speak to him again?
View related questions:
divorce, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 February 2019):
 Ugh, don't speak to him again. You can be friendly etc., but don't try ot be friends. You're not friends. When he tells you he is a train wreck, I believe him. You don't want to date a recently divorced man anyway, he has no idea what he wants in life yet! He needs time, and in the meantime his mind is probably all over the place. Could very well be that he has found another woman etc. But so what. That still doesn't mean he isnt a train wreck at the moment.
I say leave him be. It's not THAT special to meet someone you have a lot in common with, and dont start thinking that having loads in common somehow means you are perfect for each other. Having matching personalities AND being mentally at the same stage is actually way more important. Mentally you and him were at completely different stages. You wanted a relationship, and he was just trying to get out of one!
A
female
reader, catlover30  +, writes (14 February 2019):
Dont believe him.. I was talking with a guy for 6 months because i was on other city, when i arrived to the city he lives, we date and he asked me to be his girlfriend. He told me he was divorced on 2015. One day he text me, he wanted to be alone after six months dating. After that he text me trying to ve friends because he missed me, but did not wanted to let me know where he moved. I found his suppose ex wife on facebook with her status married and photos of his wedding and a photo of 2017 with her. I text him if he had being honest with me. He did not answer,got mad at me, texting dont make him regret his time that he shared with me, and that i should know the answer. I text him why he did not wanted to respond and make me question. He then delete me and block me. So, i think you youll forget him, he is hiding the true about his wife or something, he will not divorce...You are on time, dont waste more time like i did... cause it willhurt more...when somebody cares they dont make excuses and they are there for you caring if they realy want to be with you..
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (13 February 2019):
 It doesn’t matter what you believe, it has absolutely no importance to the situation. The fact of the matter is he doesn’t want to meet up anymore and thats that.
Three months is nothing! He’s leaving your life as quickly as he came into it. Chemistry is easy, it’s really not hard to get on well with someone and you’ll ,eat another guy. Forget about him and move on.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2019): I came to DC fresh out of being dumped by someone I thought was going to be with me for the duration. For no apparent reason; I was blindsided, and the relationship ended. I was shocked and distraught. I was told it wasn't me, and that I deserved better. I'd grown quite attached, but I had to face reality. If someone doesn't want to be with you, never-mind why. Let them go.
It isn't that you're not sure what to do. You know what to do; but stubborn-pride and neediness doesn't want to do it. You got into the relationship too soon after a previous breakup; and he just snatched the bandage off your emotional-wounds. This whole thing was a rebound relationship coming from both sides.
You weren't together long; so you got pushed-back a little in your recovery-process from your previous breakup. What you do is get-up, dust yourself off, straighten your back, and you move on. The pain will take time; but your pride is hurt more than your heart. Your heart was already broken and you tried to use him to fix it. He was using you for the same reason; and suddenly realized it wasn't fair to you. I commend him for being honest before things got really deep.
Continue on the road to recovery from both these recent detachments. It's tough, but you're tough too. You just got the wind knocked out of you. The deja vu is a killer, I know! Been there and done that! My heart goes out to you and I can relate to your pain.
When you have time, read these:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/this-is-for-the-broken-hearted-on-valentines.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/when-will-i-finally-get-over-the-breakup.htmld
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (13 February 2019):
 I do believe relationships are as much dependent on timing as chemistry, things in common, etc, etc. He is not in a good place to have a relationship at the moment and he has been honest with you. You need to listen.
If, by chance, he HAS met someone else, then that is not really relevant. What is important is that he does not want a relationship with YOU at the moment. This may change in the future. There again, it may not. No guarantees.
In your shoes I would wish him well, then cut contact. It will only pain you to stay in contact with him as friends as you want more. If you bump into him, then by all means be polite and ask how he is; there is no need to cut him dead. After all, he hasn't actually HARMED you. He is simply not ready for another relationship. Difficult as it will be, I would not waste my life hanging around for him.
As you say you too are recently out of a relationship, why not spend a bit of time single? Reconnect with friends, take up new hobbies and pastimes, meet people who have similar interests to you. Next time you meet someone you want to date, check out the ground first and make sure you are not a rebound. You are worth better.
...............................
A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (13 February 2019):
 He did the right thing and has been open and honest with you about his situation.
As much "fun" as you both had.. He needs time to get his life together.. allow him that time. When and if he is ready to be with you, you will know that he is with you 100%.
I would suggest to maintain a friendship. Be there for him if he needs. If you really like this guy, you will learn to wait for the right time.
No need to cut people out of your life just because they are not ready for a committed relationship with you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 February 2019):
 I'd say LEARN from this, OP
And don't make the same mistake twice.
HE IS STILL MARRIED. Separated means little. (legally) And someone who is "just" separated still has some emotional and "other" baggage to sort out BEFORE they should ever consider dating.
Whether he met someone else OR went back to the wife... it's irrelevant. He no longer wants to be with you. THAT is the crux and what you need to accept.
Maybe because he WASN'T really looking for anything serious and he though you felt the same, until you started to see him as a potential partner down the line. My guess is he WASN'T and still ISN'T looking for anything serious. Because he doesn't have much to offer (and I don't mean as a person) but he can't offer commitment (as he is STILL married), he can't offer stability (as his life is a mess) etc. etc.
WISH him well, cut him loose and block him.
Don't try and stay friends in hopes that he will want you back when his life is less "complicated". WHY waste your time sitting on a shelf waiting for something that might NEVER happen?
Go out met new people. If you aren't ready to date seriously yourself, then keep it SIMPLE and CASUAL. And IF you want something more serious, stay away from married men (and separated ones) as they CAN NOT add to your life in so many areas.
If you can meet ONE fella you have a lot in common with, you CAN find another.
It's only been 3 months. Just let him go.
Chin up and move forward.
...............................
|
