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I wish I could end all contact with my toxic mother!

Tagged as: Family, Health, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 February 2019) 7 Answers - (Newest, 16 February 2019)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I feel so much hatred towards my ‘mother’ but I can’t cut her off because she threatens to kill herself. To put things into perspective, I am in my mid thirties now with a teenage boy who luckily doesn’t know the half of it. He just knows I don’t have a close relationship with her.

This has a long and detailed back story of mental and physical abuse, and at one point there was sexual abuse from one of her boyfriends whilst she turned a blind eye and accused me of lying.

Whilst to an extent I have moved on from all of this and by some mirical managed to build a successful life, I just feel hatred toward her and wish I had the nerve to cut her off completely. I blame her for alot of my past mistakes and the mental scars that i can’t get rid of no matter how hard I try! Even nowadays she puts me down to other people and points out all of my bad habits, making me look inferior and mocking the life I have built for myself.

She suffers from depression these days and so uses this to guilt trip me into not walking away entitely, however how can I go on feeling the way I do and remain in contact with this woman? I know this must read like I am a complete victim, I don’t mean for it to. I’m just fed up of feeling resentfull towards life for trapping me with this toxic woman that I can’t escape from!

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (16 February 2019):

N91 agony auntYou absolutely can cut off all contact with her.

She betrayed you, parents are supposed to protect and love their children as much as they can. Your mother physically harmed you and was an enabler in you being sexually abused, that doesn’t sound like a mother to me, she should be ashamed of herself. Her depression is NOT your concern, why should you now have to care for her when she couldn’t give a crap about you when you were at your most vulnerable? You’re a mother yourself now and I’m sure you are deep in the experience of how much you love your boy and you would give your life up to protect his? So that should put into perspective how little your mother cared to put yours in danger.

I strongly disagree with MSA, Just because someone brought you into this world doesn’t mean you should think positively of them. Why because she is your mother do you HAVE to keep in contact? She was a waste of space by the sounds of things, I would have cut all contact 100%. Any mother that can allow those atrocities to happen to their child is a piece of shit to be quite honest.

I rarely speak to my dad. He left when I was about 4 years old after he hit my mum and she told him to leave, I’m 27 now. The only time we speak is if we randomly bump into each other in the town we live or if he messages me on Facebook to say happy birthday or whatever. I never contact him. I know it’s no where near the extent of your past, but I get by fine without him in my life and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

Think about your own life and your sons, concentrate on what’s best for you guys. I’m sorry you had to experience those things in your child hood and hope you can find peace with it some day.

Best of luck for the future

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2019):

I'm a single mum of a now adult daughter and my mother was very abusive towards me. Part of her abuse involved favouring my sister, 10 years younger and effectively training her to abuse me and my daughter too. I attempted suicide at 18 because her psychological abuse made me feel I had no right to be alive; the abuse was very complex, similar to things you've mentioned, but a key issue was she constantly told me was selfish (I absolutely was the opposite) and it got to the point where I felt I could not do anything - breathe, open my eyes, or I was selfish. When I survived the overdose - guess what? She told me I was selfish.

I cut myself off from her at one point, for almost 2 years. I focused on building a life but it was hard going, I didn't feel worthy. But I poured everything into my daughter, who has flourished. Later, I tried to reconcile. It was impossible, the abuse resumed. She died several years ago, with nothing resolved between us. My sister making out like she was a saint and I am evil for not seeing that.

I have not spoken to my sister for 11 years now, after being like a 2nd mother to her when she was younger.

What I wanted to say is that I had counselling a couple of years ago and this helped a bit but did not resolve things in itself. I'd had counselling but, for the first time, this was about my mother. One thing that came up was the possibility she'd had autism. This did not excuse the abuse, but it helped me to feel less victimised at times - I could see how many of her responses stemmed from classic autism symptoms. Not to suggest that you're mother is autistic at all, but taking counselling and educating yourself about her behaviour will, I am sure, help you to feel a bit less victimised, at least some of the time.

As you know, building your own life is not easy with a teenager. Often, when our lives are demanding, the memories of abuse seem to confirm feelings of uselessness and lack of worth. Like you, I really wanted a loving relationship with my mother and building my own life helped some of the time, but it still didn't make up for not having that loving relationship, and there would be times I would get very down. I learned to live with this slightly 'up and down' pattern - memories of abuse, lack of reconciliation, remembering cutting myself off from her - these things come and go and I've learned to be so thankful for the good days I have.

When I was cut off from her, and now I'm cut off from my sister, I still felt s much pain, every day. I think about them every day. Something I read helped me to understand this. When you have a toxic mother, as much as you need to feel loved by her, you also need to feel that your love for her is valued and accepted by her, rather than abused. I have understood that, even though she didn't love me, or couldn't, the thing that hurts is not having the feeling (which should begin in childhood) that my love, which I offered freely, was not accepted. I have given love to my daughter and we have a really great relationship. I don't know if I will ever resolve the feeling of my love not being accepted by my mother, but I do understand it more and I'm also focussing on learning to love myself as I would a dear, best friend.

Cutting yourself off may give you a kind of breathing space, but I doubt it will resolve your feeling because I think you are maybe too loving a person to do that. It won't provide a 'one size answer' or immediate relief, not unless you are the kind of person who can do that. I do think learning to assert one's self is extremely hard when you've been abused and I think you may struggle with assertiveness with her and in some other situations; I know you've successfully got this far and so what I'm saying might nt seem to make sense, but assertiveness is something that needs to be continually developed. By wondering about cutting her off, I think you are trying to find a way to assert yourself. And possibly punish her a bit. But I don't think you are a punishing kind of person. Maybe work on getting counselling and work on accepting the idea that there is no easy, immediate answer, just lots of things - counselling, reading and educating yourself about abuse, learning to take part in things that you enjoy and find make you thrive and feel good, and learn to create assertive patterns with your Mum, where this is at all possible.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (15 February 2019):

chigirl agony auntEnd all contact With her. Yes, you can. You are allowed to choose for yourself who you want in your life. This woman is toxic, and there are no laws saying you absolutely must have her in your life.

One poster here wrote that she gave you life... like you're somehow supposed to be grateful. You didn't ask to be born and you were, as a child, completely dependent on her. She is the one who CHOSE to have you and they CHOSE to screw you over and treat you this way.

I ended all contact with my father almost two years ago. Life without him in it is much better. It's not easy, still, but finally I am able to start my healing process and begin my life as a free woman. Not trapped and worn down by him. With him in my life I could never hope to get better, to feel better, or hope to achieve calmness and normality and even happiness in my life. He would pop up like a troll from the box without warning, and tear everything down at a whim. He is still trying to reach me through relatives, trying to bring me down and hurt me with full intent. Because he is a shitty person. There is no improvement there.

It's hard to let go of the hope, the hope that some day you will have a mother who is a proper mother. I always hoped that somewhere, sometime, my father would turn out to be an actual father to me. As long as I kept him in my life, I had the hope that someday he'd be an actual father to me, someday he'd improve, be better, do me some good. I gave him chance after chance after chance.

Letting him go and ending all contact, was just me giving up hope and face the reality: I never had a father in my life, all I had was a toxic manipulator who enjoyed making everyone around him feeling like shit. I never grieved the loss of him, but I grieved the loss of hope.

I think you're doing the same. You are hangig on not because your mother actually brings anything good into your life, but because you are hoping that she will be a mother to you, and you are afraid to give up that hope. But you need to see, you've managed so far in life not because of her, but despite of her. Perhaps it is now time for you to let her have whats coming to her. So that you can finally focus on yourself, heal, and grow.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2019):

I fully understand you, and by no means am I taking your dilemma slightly. I don't see your concerns coming from a woman who wants to be seen as a victim; quite the contrary. I see someone compassionate and struggling with her past of abuse; and actually loving her mother even though you say you hate her. If you really hated her; you wouldn't be so concerned about her hurting herself. Which she isn't likely to do; because if she was suicidal, there would be plenty of other reasons she could find to commit suicide.

You have to seek counseling for yourself in order to deal with your post-traumatic stress caused by your mother. The ongoing-abuse is triggering flashbacks and unnecessary distress; because you're trying to be a civil and decent human being. Maintaining respect for your mother she hasn't earned. Continue to do that; she did give you life, and she will be your mother to the end of her days. We are all born into situations far beyond their control; we don't get to choose our parents. or our DNA. We do whatever necessary to survive, and to care for our loved-ones.

You first have to consider your mother's mental-illness and realize her demons have absolutely nothing to do with you.

Anyone who knows how toxic your mother is, shouldn't be taking any of her poison about you seriously. You can't torture yourself by worrying about what people choose to believe that you know isn't true. Why are you even taking rantings of a sick woman to heart, knowing she isn't well?

By now everyone should know it! Considering no psychotic person has only one single victim. Anyone is game!

You're a favored target, and your sensitivity to her pathos makes you a glutton for punishment.

You should realize how sick she is after all these years. Feel free to put all the distance between you deemed necessary for your own well-being.

She isn't going to change. You can only pray for her, and forgive her. Move on. Your son deserves an explanation, you can't protect him from the facts of life.

One thing that's a fact. In spite of it all, you're a loving mother! You still managed to find success. You're still struggling emotionally; so I hope you've been receiving some counseling to give you some peace of mind. If you have a faith you can turn to; seek some comfort and counseling from your worship leadership. If you're a nonbeliever, then you'll have to seek whatever earthly resources you can find that are available to help you. Don't give-in to her!

Don't be held prisoner by her demons. Pull-away and live your life. You can't change her, and there's a point in life when you have to let-go of those people who bring you grief and destruction. You forgive them, pray for peace, and you concentrate on your kid, your spouse, and yourself. Holding on to the drama will only prolong your misery.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (13 February 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntFirstly, well done for managing to turn your life around to the extend you did after such a bad start. Your main priorities now have to be the well-being of your son and yourself as his mother.

You are an adult now. You are only trapped in this relationship with your mother to the extent YOU allow it. IF you wish, you CAN walk away. If she does go through with her threats of suicide, this is not down to YOU but to past stuff that went on in HER life. You are not responsible for her and you should not allow guilt to stop you from escaping from the continued abuse. If she has been diagnosed with mental health issues and you truly believe she may be a danger to herself if you walk away, alert her support team/doctor so that they can keep an eye on her.

Did you ever get any sort of counselling for the abuse? It is never too late to seek this out and to try to heal some of the scars, or at least to cope better with the bad memories.

Sending you hugs because I know it will take a tremendous amount of strength on your part to walk away. I do hope you can find that strength so that you and your son can live the life you deserve.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 February 2019):

Honeypie agony auntIf this post was written by a friend, WHAT would you advice?

You know FULL well that your mother WILL never change, THIS is who she is. Tormenting you is as much of a habit as it is a vice for her. She hates you for it and loves to do it to you. If that makes sense.

SHE gets something out of it. Namely to control you still. To hurt you still and to REMIND you that what she did in to you in the past can still be used as ammo against you.

IF you were MY friend, I would advice you to CUT all contact. And cut the contact with anyone ONLINE or in person/phone/apps or e-mail who tries to make YOU feel bad for finally walking away from her. EVERYONE.

She won't kill herself. Because she has SO many people who enable her bad behavior who will rather vilify you and she will REVEL is that. She won't want to miss that. She won't want to miss other people agreeing with her treatment of you and her "martyrdom" behavior. The whole " my ungrateful daughter, I did everything for her blah blah blah".

I'm pretty confident she won't. And IF she did, IT WOULD BE her choice! You didn't "make" her do any of it.

The whole "I'm going to kill myself" spiel is emotional black mail, something she seems to have a "doctorate" in when it comes to you.

I don't think you OWE her squat. You have tried for YEARS to be civil, to BE a good daughter REGARDLESS of what she did to you, and ALLOWED to be done to you.

WE ALL have limits to what we will tolerate from others, including family.

When you reach yours, you will know what to do.

And I would also suggest you find perhaps a support group for sexual abuse survivors.

http://thesurvivorstrust.org/national-helplines/

Support, Advice and Info - 0808 801 0818

Or look for something local. You need to work through what happened and your MOTHER will not be helpful for that, maybe talking to others who have gone through it can.

I wish you the best.

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A female reader, MSA United States +, writes (13 February 2019):

MSA agony auntGrowing up, I'm sure many of us have resentments towards our parent(s) for what they should've could've done; what they did or didn't do; how they have acted in certain situations etc etc.. She is your mother, that does not equate to her being a perfect mother or human being. She gave birth to you, and whether you feel you did a good job or not, she raised you to be an adult. She gave you life.

I would suggest to keep your distance, be civil.. but always be there to care for her if/when she needs. You don't have to be her best friend, but remember, you owe her your life. She is old, suffers from depression, do your best to care for her.

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