A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Bombshell dropped on me tonight. This woman I don't know facebooked me and eventually came out to confess she had slept with my boyfriend.I confronted him over the phone and he admitted he 'messed up' once. That he was not feeling good or certain about where we were headed, curious and ended up over hers for sex. He met her on Plenty of Fish, she used to live down road from him. They've been talking for months and met up for sex once - or so he says. Needless to say I broke it off and told him to never contact me again. I'm so hurt, I was faithful and literally over a dinner we had a week or so ago I had expressed to his face how his loyalty and honesty were some of the qualities I really loved about him. Feel like a total ass. We've been together for about 6 years.Thing is dealing with the aftermath of this, I'm kinda embarrassed to have to tell people that I was cheated on and that's why I ended it. Easy enough saying it anonymously here but I don't want to deal with 101 questions right now. I don't know how or what to tell people - should I tell my family and friends he was a lie and cheat or just say it didn't work out or something else that will make them probe the least.What would you do??
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2015): I'm going through something similarright now and I'm confused myself only because I really love the guy but never let yourself look crazy because of your feelings you did right.
A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (12 November 2015):
 You have been hit hard for sure.
If this was me, I may tell the truth to my parents but ask them to vow not to tell anyone. As for others, I don't think it's any of their business, so something like "we didn't work out" with a point that you do not want to disclose details would work.
To me, my personal anguish would be enough so I'd make sure nobody else talks about it so as to add to the pain. It also helps in focusing on the future as oppose to dwelling on something that hasn't worked out.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (12 November 2015):
 So sorry you are having to go through this, it hurts I KNOW. You know what, this is HIS SHAME and embarrassment not yours. If any one should be feeling like an arse it is him because it was him that sat across from you and WAS COWARD ENOUGH not to man up and come clean. He lied to you once,so chances are he has lied about it being a one off and Ill tell you why...rarely does a one night stand feel the need to out a cheater. They have been in contact for months and a relationship has developed.She has outed him because she is probably pissed that she cant have more of him, maybe feeling a bit used. It is up to you just how much you decide,if at all, how much you want to disclose to family and friends but it wont take long to put two and two together or at the very least ask the question because 6 years together without any cracks then-zippo! Cheating would probably be the first thing that comes to mind anyway. My advice would be to simply say yes he did, and I'd prefer not to talk about things just yet until you get your head around things. I hope you get happy real soon, all the best
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 November 2015):
 First of all I'm sorry you are going through both betrayal and the ending of a long relationship.
Here is the thing though, YOU are not responsible for HIS actions. He made the choice to sign up for POF, to chat with this girl, and then to go have sex with her. It wasn't a "one time" mistake. This was deliberate and planned. It was also his "way out". Or as he put it "That he was not feeling good or certain about where we were headed" - which is bull corn. That his HIM not taking ANY responsibility for his ACTIONS. If he really only had problems with the relationship and where is was headed - he COULD/SHOULD have talked to you, but what did it do? He chose to cheat. NOT your doing. NOT your fault.
Keep the no contact. If you have stuff at his, have a mutual friend go pick them up, and box up his stuff and have someone else give it to him. Don't give him another chance to blame you for HIS actions.
And what you said over dinner last week, was what YOU thought were the truth, so how does that make you a total ass? HE is the total ass - and the fact that you actually GAVE him a way of fessing up, he didn't take it. He probably wouldn't have told you at all, if the girl hadn't contacted you. So there is NO remorse either on his behalf. It's not just a "one time messed up mistake" - there are no regrets, no remorse or respect for you or the relationship shown.
So again, DON'T beat yourself up over this. He made his bed and now HE can lie in it.
Yes, I would tell family and friends that you found out he is a liar, and a cheat but that you aren't really ready to talk about it. And ask them to just respect that. When YOU are good and ready you can talk to them about it. ( though I would suggest if you are having a friend pick up your stuff from his place, that the friend knows - so HE can't try and spin another "woe is me story"). The reason I say tell them, is because you might need the support, a shoulder to cry on and someone to help you move on.
The ONLY one who really should feel embarrassment over this cheating is HIM (and the girl if she knew beforehand that he had a GF, if she didn't she is off the hook for that.) YOU have nothing to be embarrassed about.
Allow yourself to grieve for the relationship you lost, but don't take HIS betrayal as YOUR fault. IT IS NOT.
I'd say change ALL your passwords, block, unfriend and delete HIM from your life.
And chin up, there IS a silver lining here too. At least you two weren't married, with kids and mortgage!
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