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He cannot communicate and I don't know what to do

Tagged as: Crushes, Dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 October 2017) 2 Answers - (Newest, 10 October 2017)
A female South Africa age 18-21, anonymous writes:

I've recently started dating a guy. We've known each other for 4 years in total and we've helped each other through a lot in those 4 years.

He ended up adding me from a whatsapp group that we were both in 4 years ago and we started chatting. We both dated other people and he got screwed over too many times to count so I helped him through it. After his last girlfriend hurt him, I spoke to him about it and spoke him through it then suggested that he give up social media and such until he learns how to better cope with the loss. He agreed and that was that. Then next year, He messaged me again and it wasn't long until he asked me on a date to which I accepted. I figured he was more stable then. However, I could sense that he still needed more healing time so with a heavy heart I pointed that out to him and rejected his date offer and told him to take time out again. He agreed and left. When he returned, He had moved to Johannesburg and I was still in Durban (Our home city). We spoke a bit as friends again and what not and everything was fine again.

He went awol again and returned not so long ago and said that his phone was stolen and he didn't have the cash to replace it (I-phone 7 and they cost an arm and a leg here) but he told me how much he missed me and what not. He then told me that he wants to visit and so he did and we spent the weekend getting to know each other and he was amazing.

I have just now discovered that he is really damaged. He doesn't know how to communicate anything to me.

An example:

Last weekend, he was supposed to come spend the weekend with me. All week I was having a terrible week at work but I was looking forward to being with him on the weekend and relaxing. So, it's Friday night and he's supposed to arrive on Saturday morning. So, it's night and I asked him "so are we still on for this weekend?" to which he responded "oh about that, sorry I can't make it hun". See...? communication issues. I wasn't upset that he couldn't make it, I was upset that he had all week to tell me but only told me after I had asked him, the night before! So if I had never asked? what then? Would I have been sat on Saturday morning waiting for someone who isn't going to show up?

After that, I wished him a good night and told him I'd speak to him later.

I went awol for an entire day and he didn't call or text to see if I'm alright but I was distracting myself for the weekend with some friends and family so that I could release some of the pent up anger and disappointment. Later that night (Saturday), I returned to speak to him and let him know (when I had calmed down and thought a bit) that I was really disappointed and I touched on his communication issues as well.

He always says he's sorry more out of habit than understanding than actually being sorry if you know what I mean?, I pointed that out to him to which he said "sorry, it's a habit." I was pretty annoyed and told him that it's one that he needs to break.

He proceeded to tell me about how scared he is to lose me and that he hopes he can learn to make me happy and blah blah blah but I don't know what to do anymore. The thing is, if we speak in person then I know it will be much better because he communicates much better in person but now, him coming to see me this weekend as well doesn't seem likely (he lives on the south coast and I live on the North coast).

At first I was happy to be his, but now, I'm not so sure anymore. Maybe it's my patience that I need to work on from my side because I admit that I'm very impatient but at the same time, I don't think it's my jobs to 'fix' anyone you know?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (10 October 2017):

I'm not one for lame excuses; and being the type of guy to hold to my commitments, I will not accept any less from other people.

Now wait, don't get me wrong. Everyone deserves a couple of passes; if they have to break a date, or cancel at the last minute. Attitude and sincerity makes all the difference.

I forgive and forget when people go out of their way to make things up to me; or if they sincerely apologize, and it doesn't occur thereafter. I can't be a total hypocrite and pretend like I've never cancelled a date, or pulled-out at the last minute. Things happen, or I know I won't be the best of company. I hate to waste anybody's time, money, or ruin an event for them.

What is for certain; I will apologize, and make reparation for any inconvenience or disappointment I've caused. That's common-courtesy. That's all I would expect.

He is playing nonchalant with your feelings. Taking your fondness for granted. That's why he has consistently had failures in prior relationships. Apparently you took his one-sided stories for fact, without getting all the details; or you would have picked-up on the fact this guy has a lot of bad luck with females.

Turn the friendship down to tepid. Phase him out, and ignore his contact from now on. You're being used as a fill-in when he needs female-companionship and an ego-boost; so he doesn't feel like a failure. You're a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. You give him the forgiveness the others have refused to give him. So he'll find it in you!

Your impatience is justified. If you tell me being disrespectful and unreliable is a "habit;" I will show you my habit of kicking assh*les to the curb.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (10 October 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt Communication issues ? I'd say these are bad manners issues, or shameless egocentrism issues !

He makes a date, can't ( or won't ) make it, and does not even bother to cancel it ? And any time he screws up, he just says " sorry ", out of habit, without being sorry at all of course- and that in his mind makes it all ok because at least he said " sorry " ?

Look ,if I were you I'd drop him like a hot potato. This thing has some trouble taking off, and I agree that some times the take off needs to be a little assisted because it may be worth the effort in future, but I can't see that in this case. First, you say yourself that he is damaged goods, so why would you want a damaged person,- fixing damaged people is a job for professuonals, coinselors, psychiatrists , social workers etc..... not for girlfriends.

Second, he is flaky and he is already giving you the runaround and making you sweat it.

Third, this would be a long distance relationship, which are notoriously difficult and challenging even when both people are committed to make them work, and willing to put time, money and effort in them- so imagine Mr. I?ve-lost-my_Iphone.

Therefore, my advice would be simply : avoid avoid avoid - and go local .

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