A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:Just over a year ago i found text messages on my fiance's phone. There were about 20 texts. The texts indicated arranging a meeting with another woman. The last of the texts sent said 'I wont tell, if you don't.' My fiance had never mentioned this woman before. I was very hurt and there was a lot of crying. I asked my fiance who this person was and what he thought he was doing. His explanation was that, this girl was a long time friend, and that they always flirt / tease each other in this way. I believe he answered all my questions honestly. He apologised, said he had not realised how the texts could look and that there was never anything to them. I accepted his explanation, however this severely knocked my trust in him. This happened about 6 months after i had moved in with him. For the first time i suddenly realised i did not properly know the man i was living with. I snooped, I 'Googled' his name. What i found shocked me, disturbed me and deeply upset me. I found out my fiance, had a past of swinging. I also found emails and web sites containing explicit pornography, dogging and prostitutes. I am a very conservative person when it comes to sex. I believe sex should only be between two people, who love each other. These things i found out about my fiance, where an education, as much as they were a shock. I did not like what i found out about my fiance.I questioned my fiance about his past. He answered my questions. The first time i asked him about his watching pornography, he laughed, said 'I'm a man, of course i look at porn'.He tells me the swinging and parties are in the past.Since i learnt these things about my fiance, i have continued to snoop on him. I know that he regularly, looks at porn web sites. At the beginning of this year, i told him, how much his watching of porn was hurting me, and that i felt i could no longer wear his ring. At this point he promised not to look at porn again, in return i was to trust him, and not to snoop on him. This was fine until a couple of weeks ago. I had not done any snooping, of his phone, or computer history. A couple of weeks ago i had a strange feeling, i knew i had to check his computer. I found websites relating to swinging and parties, in our area and happening in a few weeks time. I was just waiting for him to tell me he was going away for the weekend or something. This has upset me, my fiance reads me like a book, and always knows when something has upset me. He questioned me, and i finally gave in and told him what i had found. He is upset that i do not have trust in him.He is upset to think that i would even think that he would cheat on me in this way.He promises me he would not.I feel hurt, confused, why should i tolerate this. Why should i believe him.He made a promise not to look at porn. But i find him doing it. He has broken a promise to me - so why should i believe his marriage vows will mean anything to him.Why should i believe him, when he once again says he will not look at swinging or party sites - will he just break this promise too. We feel we are in a deadlock and do not know where to turn to get some help or advice.This is slowly destroying our otherwise good, healthy, fun relationship. we both want to find a way of working it out. we just don't know how to go about it, it feels like a vicious circle.
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fiance, flirt, his ex, moved in, porn, prostitute, swinging, text Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2008): Hun, I am divorced now from an eleven year marriage because he would not stop looking at porn. I am advising you to break up with him and move on. If you do not while you are still young, you will not do it. Porn is an addiction. It is a horrifying addiction.
Not to mention after a while, what he is use to is not enough and it starts getting sick and twisted. Remember the lust of the flesh is never satisfied. It will get worse, ,unless you do something now.
A
female
reader, LIERIN  +, writes (23 July 2008):
 I really wouldnt worry about the porn as much .... but I would definetely get crazy about prostitutes and the swinging parties !! Thats something I would definetely put my red flags up, because thats not normal . He is right that porn is a guy thing and with honesty, its nothing to worry about ... but the rest you are definetely right about!
He is a liar. You should look more into it!
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (22 July 2008):
 You have ignored some MAJOR red flags here:
"I accepted his explanation, however this severely knocked my trust in him"- yes, because you knew he wasn't being honest. You wouldn't have had this feeling if he was honest. You decided to ignore this and take the next step which doesn't fix things, it makes things worse.
"For the first time i suddenly realised i did not properly know the man i was living with"- no, you just ignored what you knew about him in the first place hoping it wasn't true. This only makes things worse.
"I also found emails and web sites containing explicit pornography, dogging and prostitutes"- now you know he also has additional skeletons in the closet. This still wasn't enough to confirm this is not a good guy. You decide to keep snooping as if this confirmation was not enough.
"At this point he promised not to look at porn again, in return i was to trust him, and not to snoop on him"- now you think he will change for you. AND you decide to ignore the fact you can't trust him, once again.
You say you were fine with this and you trusted him, another lie you decided to tell yourself, sounding familiar? You snoop again and find out what you already knew in the first place.
"He is upset that i do not have trust in him"- jeez...how unreasonable of you.
"I feel hurt, confused, why should i tolerate this"- HOW IN THE WORLD ARE YOU CONFUSED? Are you kidding me? Confused about what? Confusing is when you look at reality, for example, you can depend on the sky being blue and you walk outside and see that it is green. That's confusing. Your situation is clear and has been since the beginning.
"This is slowly destroying our otherwise good, healthy, fun relationship"- HUH? Did I miss something? You never had a healthy, fun relationship. The only thing that allowed any fun in was your denial.
"We feel we are in a deadlock and do not know where to turn to get some help or advice"- We? Like this is a partnership? Your still a team?
Get some help on your own and figure out why you are so dependent on abusive, dishonest men. You will be happier, have better relationships, and have more conservative sex. What makes this guy so great? I can answer that: what you think his potential is. You don't invest in potential, you invest in how a guy already is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): I'm so sorry you are hurting this way. This problem is growing in leaps and bounds in our society. It used to be a man had to go into a 'bookstore' to buy pornography, this kept most men's usage to a minimum, especially by todays standards. With the availability of porn on the internet, differences in sexual attitudes are wrecking relationships.Your boyfriend probably promised to quit looking because he loves you and didn't want to loose you. He was either blatantly lieing and had no intention of ever giving it up, or he honestly believed that he could live without it and then found out that this was impossible for him.This problem will destroy your relationship. You will never feel right about him doing these things behind your back. He may very well just be looking at swinger sights out of nostalgia or curiosity, but he could be looking with intent to act on it......only he knows the truth. Here's the thing, you can't change him. Only if he wants to change for himself will things be different. If he changes to please you, he will come to resent you for it eventually. So, the other option is that you change. Can you do that? I doubt it. The future does not look good for the two of you. If you continue to fight over this, you will break up. If your boyfriend finds that he wants to quit using pornography, but can't, have a peek at npsupport.net You will be surprised what you hear men saying on that site!Best wishes for a happy future, whatever you decide to do.
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