A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm a daycare teacher and currently having an affair with one of my parents. I know it's horrible but I'm enjoying every second of it. Every morning he drops his child off we chat but don't flirt to not make it obvious. But we know deep down we want to just jump on each other. I sometimes go on my lunch break and see him which makes my day. The other thing is that I a boyfriend. He's so good to me. But now I'm being a dirty homewrecker and don't want to stop. My question is that should I feel guilty because I don't? I also know I should leave my boyfriend if I want to keep this affair going.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 February 2011):
 well done, if you have decided the cut your ties with him. The next stage will be hard on you. Do not expect him to be your friend once you make the break. Do not tell him face to face. Your tears will make him want to comfort you, next and arm to give you a hug, and pretty soon you know what he'll suggest next? Just one more...
Be firm, controlled and calm. It's already over in your mind.
Now your big challenge is to put your strategy into operation. It will hurt. And apart from sharing how you are feeling on DC you can't share it with colleagues. Once you tell a secret, it's no longer a secret. So you'll need to pamper you, to get through this tough time.
And you will need to adopt a professional calm, but cool demeanor with him.
It is the very least that he would/will do to you too, if he is smart.
You also do not have to explain yourself to him. Nor give him a debrief.
He may start finding fault with you, to distance himself from you. So make sure you do nothing he could use against him.
From now on you do not know him in any way, except as the father of a child you look after.
Because that is all any father must be to you.
And if he does swap any hints to any other fathers, re your availability, be on alert for any other approaches from any other fathers. Coldly, shocked, rebuff any such approach. And report any other guy as 'inappropriate' since it is sexual harassment - (but not your married love - that was mutual)
This is a problem you created. Extricating yourself from this fiasco and keeping your good name at the child centre is going to take considerable skill to finesse a win:win outcome from all this. But you do need to do exactly that.
Well done for choosing to end this relationship
Regards,Abella
The pull of the physical attractions needs you to set the tone and pace.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your thoughts. Before I started this affair I've always judged cheaters and home wreckers. Never thought in a million years I would do something like this. Always told people that it was wrong. Now that I'm in this situation I still have the same views but it's hard to let go. I'm not in love it's a physical attraction. I will let them both go though.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): I think that you need to really talk to him about this. If it's just a crush and you're both just doing it for the sex, then there's not much to consider, either you stop right now or try to live with the burden of being cruel to your boyfriend and his wife. However, if you determined that these feelings are more serious then you should both consider making it open. Tell your boyfriend and he should tell his wife. This of course will be made difficult because he has a child, it could damage the child emotionally but you have to think about things on the long run:If it's just a fling, there are two possibilities, a) You'll keep doing this in secret until you get bored and no one will find out. You may or may not have to live with the guilt.b) You'll keep doing this in secret until you get bored and everyone will find out, leaving everyone devastated. You may or may not have to live with the guilt. If it's more serious or even love: c) You'll do this in secret, probably for years and even if no one finds out, you will most likely be very unhappy because you won't be able to be with him more seriously and you may have feelings of guilt. d) You'll do this in secret, probably for years until someone finds out and in this case, you'd only be procrastinating by delaying the devastation. I hope that helps, don't give up and don't think that you have to do something simply because society dictates it and because of obligatory marriage vows! Follow your heart but consider how others will feel!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): The husband should know better to NOT step out of his boundaries and break his vow. You, as the caretaker of HIS children, should know better to NOT get into mess if the other person is willing to do something that breaks a vow.A lot of people have alread given good advice, I won't say anymore.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): Why?
Why cheat on your bf and help another person screw over another person and wreck their family?
That is the question, why?
"I'm a bad person." is just to simple.
You can get lots of advice here, but you need to drop the bf and the married guy and go spend some time in counseling to understand yourself and why you are doing this. What you are doing is extremely cruel to other people, most of us don't do it without deep seated reasons that we don't fully understand.
End your relationships, cold turkey, and work on yourself, then when you've fixed that part try to get into a constructive relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): If you don't feel guilty then you obviously don't care about your boyfriend. Put him out of his misery and let him be with somebody who actually loves him.
Second, this "affair" won't last. You'll end up falling for him and he'll drop you like a hot potato. Where are you morals? Your self respect?
If you don't feel the least bit guilty about sleeping with these children's father then there's something wrong with you.
Just remember, karma's a bitch and it will bite you on the ass eventually.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (18 February 2011):
how long are you planning to let this budding affair run? three months? Three years? Or thirty years? Already you can designate this time as your wasted hours or your 'lost' years, depending on the duration of the affair.
And how much are you willing to lose over this affair?
Potential lovers always think they are being subtle, but everyone notices and sees the attempts (failed) to be unobtrusive.
Your work colleagues the hierachy at work and other parents will be the next to potentially cause you grief. How long before a comment or worse is brought to the attention of his wife?
The work hierachy will not want to get the parents off side. And a staff member getting too close to a male married parent will not sit well with parents. You will be a weak link in the organisation. Are you willing to lose your job over this?
Are you prepared to lose your reputation amongst the parents over this?
Then there are the lonely times?
No sitting up together on a Sunday evening talking over your great 24/7 week together.
Easter spent alone
Christmas spent alone
If valentine's day occurs on a saturday you can forget about a romantic saturday evening date.
And at any time when the heat in the kitchen from his wife gets too much he will limp back to her, contrite, head down, 'i'll never do it again darling. She was a jezebel. I'll make it up to you' speech ready to deliver to his wife.
Don't throw away all you have now. All for the sake of some rushed fumbling with this weak man.
If you went into a business partnership and invested time and effort into that business - but then your business partner walked out, down to the opposition business to work on that other business you would be outraged. Because only a low life mean dishonorable guy would do that.
Marriage is a love partnership. And a love partner who cheats on his wife is just as much a dishonorable low life.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 February 2011):
 Dirty homewrecker...your words and they speak volumes.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (18 February 2011):
If you don't feel guilty, than what do you care what other people think? You obviously don't care enough to consider the damage you are doing to other people, so there you have it. I can tell you that this has disaster written all over it. Not only are you playing with emotional dynamite (which will eventually explode in your face), but you are risking becoming a social pariah and a business liability once it comes out (and it will) that you have no qualms poaching the husbands of your daycare charges. Good luck with all of that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): I would say you have a lot to feel guilty about but obviously you're own feelings and some sex is more important to you than anything else. Just be aware, if you haven't thought about it yet what you're doing to other people. I don't understand why you can't at least break up with the bf and find someone single to do this with?
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (18 February 2011):
No, you shouldn't feel guilty. Guilt, shame, anger, hatred, fear and other negative emotions are not something that anyone "should" experience, and they aren't necessarily good motivators of behaviour. I don't believe that anyone should have their behaviour motivated by negative emotions and feelings. What you should do is clearly and intelligently understand the impact and consequences of your actions, how they affect other people and how they can affect you. Your actions are very likely harmful to others and can be harmful to yourself too. The choices you make determine the person you are. If you are making choices that are knowingly harmful to others, deceptive, breaching of trust, uncaring, and lacking in integrety, it makes you this kind of person. The person you become over time is your reward for the choices you make. You don't need to feel guilty or ashamed. When you make bad choices, over time life with match your expereince with your choices.Rather that feel like you need to feel bad, don't worry about feeling bad, just think clearly about what you are doing and act in accordance with your values. If you want to live a good life and be a good person, by whatever values you choose not by anyone else's version of what is right or wrong for you, you need to take responsibility for it yourself. You become what you choose. Choose wisely. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): well you should be feeling guilty for cheating on your boyfriend.I wouldn't feel that guilty about wrecking the other guy's home though, since obviously he is playing just an active a part in it. It's his job to protect his own marriage/family life, not you, since it's his marriage and his family.but you should feel bad for cheating on your boyfriend who is so good to you.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 February 2011):
 Honest answer? Yes you should feel guilty. This man is married and has children therefore you should feel bad that you are probably going to wreck a family home. You work with children and worst of all you work with his child, looking at that child knowing that it is a high possibilty that you may end up taking her daddy away from her, does that not make you feel slightly guilty at all, to uproot innocent childrens lives?
If you really want to carry on this affair then dump your boyfriend as it is not fair on him having an unfaithful partner am sure you wouldnt like to hear that he is having an affair with a married woman and doesnt feel bad. Therefore set him free and then you are single to do what you want. But my advice would be dont keep up this affair unless this man is going to leave his wife. Because if you do you may start getting feelings for him then you may be the one to get hurt when you realise he wants his wife and that you were only used for his sexual pleasures. Its your choice girly.
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