A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help, I need advice. I am a 29 year old marriedwoman with a 3 year old son. Ive been with my husband since I was 20 and been married for 4 years. On the surface we seem like any other couple but I am deeply unhappy in our marriage. When I was 22 years old and whilst with my boyfriend I feel deeply In love with an older married man at work he was 36. He had 2 young children. We got very intimate but you could say it was more an affair of the heart,long emotional phone conversations, we were like soulmates we never slept together just lots of kissing, it went on for about 8 months. And was very intense. He said he loved me but would never leave his wife and kids as didnt want to hurt his kids. At the time looking back it greatly affected my relationship,me and my boyfriend temporarily split and I fell pregnant at the time with my boyfriend and had an abortion, he didnt want to keep the baby and seeing as we were so unhappy it seemed the right thing at the time. The guy at work wanted to sleep with me but I did the right thing and I ended it and told him no more contact. Although I always remembered him. This was 7 years ago now. Then last year I stupidly sent him a message asking how he was. He replied and said he'd sent me the same message asking how I was (I'll never know as changed my no) there was still all the same feelings there. we spoke for about an hour. I got all emotional and sent a text saying I still loved him he said he felt the same but we must carry on with our lives because of children. I got more emotional with other messages like I missed him and wanted to remain friends but he never replied. That was a year ago now. I felt so bad that I said I still loved him but couldnt help it as I feel very unloved myself. But im not a bad person and dont want to hurt people. I feel the reason I contacted this man after so long was because of the deep unhappiness in my own marriage. My husband is a kind, decent guy but there is no emotional connection there. I dont think there ever has been really. I think we stay together more out of habit. sometimes I feel so lonely inside and long for someone to have a heart to heart talk to but my husband just isnt that, he dosent do talking and is the silent moody type. Its not physical closeness I need its emotional. And because that guy gives me that, I think thats why I contacted him. When I say Id like to talk to my husband he never has the time, we are like strangers living in the same house. I am 29 years old do I go on living the rest of my life like this. I sometimes think I stay more out of financial commitments if that makes sense and wanting my son to have a dad around. These are my questions.How do I forget this man from the past and finally move on with my life ? (what made me contact him after so many years ??? I dont know myself truly why I did this ) what is it in me that draws me to relationships that are self destructive and could never be ? Is my marriage worth saving and how do I do this ? Have I learnt a hard lesson in life that maybe Ive married the wrong sort of man for me ? Please help I feel so down at the moment, I would love a male and female perspective to my questions. thank you.
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female
reader, Angle79  +, writes (8 August 2008):
 2 years ago I was exactly in the same situation as you do now. But you sound luckier than me, coz my exhuband is so violent mentally and physically. That was a nightmare for me living with such a man for 7 years until another man (single) came along, i found him so attractive and eventually i falled for him. And we started texting (we stayed in different countries) and i had to go and see him sometime. We felt attached but everytime, he warned me if i break up with my x its not for/because of him. I said yes, its not for you but for my ownlife and my boy. Anyway, I was so afraid to break up, i had a kid who was 3.5 and i wanted him to be with his dad. Anyway, i fianlly realized that it would never be good to save my marriage for my son. He was not a happy boy living with an unhappy parents and seeing my cry all the time. My sadness, argument really had a very bad impact on him. I finally did ask for a divorce with my ex and was hoping to be with that man. He is really a nice gentle man, well educated, got so much in common.... lets just end here.... and i did not end up being with that man. I had a very sour ending/unfinished negative feeling with him... 2 yrs had gone and i never had any other relationship. i was hoping he would return to me. I was still in love with him eventhough we did not meet. Until May 2007, i met another nice man whom i really can not resist. He is a great great man. We are married now. He is a nice man and good husband and father to my child. But i still carried that unfinished negative feeling with that man and i knew it not healthy for my marriage and its not fair for my husband. I decided to write to him and cleared our misunderstanding/shared our thought. I made it. We both are happy now and the only man i want to grow old with is my current husband. I could only think of him as a friend. So, think it over, have you got anything to clear with this man? -- say it and move on. And if think with your husband does not work out, then leave! Two of you deserve happy life and so does your child. He will understand you when he grows up. I know its easy said than done! but be strong. I know all you need is someone whom you could talk to, share your feeling with and your husband is not there for you and that is the reason why you are still thinking of that man. When you meet someone nice, caring and loving, you will forget this man, i am sure. You are not to blame! -- that man just came in the right time when you need support. Don't worry, you will get over it and please do something. Life is short, so live your life happily. Wish you all the best
A
female
reader, FriX  +, writes (8 August 2008):
I kinda had the same situation.
I am little younger,and i am not married,but i date with my bf for 8 years.
2 years ago i broke up with him,and i got a secret relationship.He still doesent know that i left him for other guy.
So,i left my town,found an apartament and i thought we will be happy forever .I was so in love..i still love that guy.There was such a chemistry explosion between us...but i think he didnt care about me.I felt like he doesent care about me..I always bought him drinks,food..whatever.He never bought something for me.So,i realised what i had done.And few days later he said:I am not ready for a girlfriend.I wasnt his girlfriend?!I am so glad i didnt have sex with him,i would kill my self now lol
A while ago,he saw me with my bf,and he immidiately sent me some sms,like :'you little gay,you are not calling me anymore :)?'i dunno why he did that.
Life can be a bitch sometimes.You will never have a perfection all the time.And if you do,after perfection there always comes really bad time.I dont know what you should do..Love is blind.My love was unhappy.
Stay with your kid and husband.
I know your situation,its so good to feel in love.
And i know mine,i was so stupid that i would give my all to have just one day spent with him.
open your eyes. :)
whatever you do,i really wish you luck.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (7 August 2008):
 I believe you contacted the man because you are unhappy with your situation. It's actually good he responded the way he did because cheating only hurts everyone involved. Staying in a marriage to someone you do not feel the connection with does make for a very unhappy life. None of us here can tell you what's best to do in your shoes. However, we can tell you what we've done in our shoes.
I was in a similar marriage to a man who really doesn't like to talk. Our marriage was one of friendship more. He too is a great guy but after 20 years of marriage I did make the decision to divorce. I did this because I wanted the opportunity to fall in love and to have more of an emotional connection. Divorce is hard on the kids and hard on the finances. I stayed in my marriage 10 years longer than I wanted to but I did it for my kid and for financial reasons. I'm not in any better position financially but the older I got the more I realized that money can not and did not make me happy.
Divorce is no picnic. You don't instantly meet a man. There is time spend alone, being with female friends and lots of dud dates. No vacations, no designer dresses and a new car is a luxury you save for. But I will say I am happier.
Only you can decide for you. You could give counseling a try. Does you husband know how you feel?
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