A
female
age
36-40,
*rincessjasmine
writes:I've hooked up with 12 guys, but have only had sex with 2 of them. hooking up might be nakedness, oral, or hand jobs....is that a lot? im 25 :(
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female
reader, princessjasmine +, writes (17 June 2011):
princessjasmine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwow i like all the discussions! thanks guys :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): Annalisa, thanks for your reply. You resolved some of my challenges, but not all of them. But I will msg. you privately. Thank you.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 June 2011):
 OP, cutting to the chase what I get is that you personally don't feel bad about your hook ups, you feel bad because other people could judge and criticize negatively.
Op, the trick is rather simple here : don't give a damn,disregard everybody's opinion but your own AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. I say as much possible because obviously cultures and societies are all different, and you'll be subjected to less or more pressure accordingly. That's obvious.
If you live in Algeria or Pakistan, your chastity is important because if you are not a virgin you don't get a good husband, and if you don't get a good husband your very chances of getting a decent livehood are severely impaired. But you live in USA, OP- You can work, you can study, you can support yourself, - the pressure you could
receive is psychological only. The very fact that you have been able to have hook ups shows that you are free to go where you want and do what you want, including mistakes, that's only for you to decide if they were mistakes or how serious. You don't risk being reduced in poverty because of your mistakes, or thrown in jail, or beaten up, or publicly shunned and insulted. All you risk is some people flapping their tongues in disapproval, let them flap, it's a free country, they are free to flap and you are free not to care.
If then the problem is : what if I meet a guy who's deat set on the value of virginity... then he's clearly NOT the guy for you, someone who cannot accept you they way you are, with your baggage of experience that basically you do not renege. In a way it's a process of self selection, your sexual past ( about which btw you do not have to be obsessively detailed, you don't have to give the blow-by-blow account, just do not misrepresent yourself as naive and inexperienced ) will keep away from you... exactly the people who would not be good for you .
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): @Annalisa (and the OP if she is still reading):Thank you for your reply. However, I still find your advice and reasoning confused. It honestly sounds to me like you are rationalizing the past.1) You say you loved everyone you had an experience, but they were not "lovers". What's the difference between a lover and someone you love?2) You write that: "Being human sometimes means putting a wrong foot down and we sin, so let's take responsability for our actions, apologise and try not to do it again."Yet you say: "I hurt noone, however, so am not sorry for most of it."Do you feel you sinned or not? If so, why do you call your past sinful?3) You say you we should "This to me means to love and respect oneself and all people we encounter." Casual sex with those whom we are not emotionally intimate with is, plain and simple, using someone else for our own sexual gratification. This is NOT respecting someone else. It is a violation of the other person's dignity as a full person because we want to fulfill our own desires. Even if they agree to it, it is still using them.4) Finally, if you believe in Jesus, you must believe in his teachings in the Bible. You would be hard pressed to find any interpretation of the Bible as espousing casual sex. All church teachings--whatever denomination--preaches abstinence until marriage. How can you believe in Jesus and his Word, and yet deviate from this fundamental teaching?I ask all these questions with respect, because advising a young person on these issues is very serious, and it is important that this advice is clearly thought out and done without rationalization of one's own past.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): Good reputations come from doing the admirable thing all the time, not just when you think the important people are paying attention to you.
This applies to chastity just like it applies to any other admired trait. People who are chaste "most of the time" are just like people who are honest "most of the time".
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): I would like to challenge Annalisa. On the one hand, you say you do not regret anything you did, yet you call your past life "sinful" and you also call yourself a "deeply religious person." How does a promiscuous past sexual life square with being religious? I can understand repenting for what you did, but it sounds like you still espouse it! Very contradictory, I think.@Annalisa, I would like to ask you to take the WYWYCTDWYD test. The WYWYCTDWYD test is the "Would You Want Your Children to Do What You Did" test. Simply, it is, as a parent teaching your son or daughter right from wrong, would you tell them promiscuity and casual sex is ok? Be honest, and I bet you'll come up with a different answer.@PJ, you sound like you are afraid what society and God might think about what you did. While that's a fair concern, I think you should ask youself why does God/religion say it is wrong?Every time you are having casual sex with people you do not care about, you are USING another person. Call it a sex buddy, call it a FWB, call it a one-night stand, I don't care. You are using that person, and that person is using you. And every time you use a person, you cheapen that person and you also cheapen relationships in the future. That is why religion frowns upon such relationships. It doesn't matter if the other person consents; you are still using that person for your own gratification.Anyway, sorry if I sound like I am preaching. I just think it is too simplistic to say "it's your body, do what you want, etc." Because it is NOT just your body--you are involving another person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): It's your body to do with as you wish.
It's no-one else's business. As long as you are not feeling 'forced' into doing anything, and are being careful and enjoying yourself.
Stop worrying. Some people meet their soul mate the first time they have a relationship, others have to, errrr, kiss a few more frogs in order to find our prince.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 June 2011):
 Everyone wants instant gratification. However, some of it may go against the grain of society, religious and personal morals.
If you "fear" people will look at you differently in your society, then you need to take the time to stop and consider your feelings and actions before getting your "gratification" on.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): Annalisa said, "People get curious and it's tempting to open up that little bit too much, but whilest saying "I did it once with a guy I had eye-contact with on the train and never saw him again" might give a hint to how naughty you can be, saying "I loved John, slept with Ron and did upside-down sex with Fred" might actually get people wondering which one they compare to, it stirs up jealousy and puts unwanted immages in their mind."
I think you have got this wrong. It is definitely the train story that I would be most turned off by. The other three guys stories would bother me much less. At least she knew them and felt something for them. Screwing a complete total stranger is much more unattractive IMHO.
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reader, princessjasmine +, writes (15 June 2011):
princessjasmine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhat if ppl talk to him and tell him stuff about me :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): to answer your question no the person i have ended up with is not the best sex i have ever had. (it is very good though) however it is tender and loving. I know that Im not just having sex with someone and that she is someone very special to me
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reader, Orbiter  +, writes (15 June 2011):
I know this might not be the magic answer you were hoping for but there are going to be loads of people with many different opinions on this, there isn't a 'right' answer or number. So the best thing you can do is not worry about what other people think about your past sex life.There are going to be men like male anon who won't like his partner to have had many sexual partners and then you're going to meet men like reader anon's fiance who won't care. So work out what makes you feel happy/unhappy in regards to sex. Don't live your life in a way you don't want to for someone else.Purely from what I've read, it sounds like you enjoyed the previous sex you had, it was special to you, you don't feel you cheapened it (so not much to regret?). Now you're at a stage of your life where you're looking for a meaningful relationship, so casual sex doesn't appeal to you anymore. I'd just accept it for that (if that's the case) and now wait until you meet someone you really care for.
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reader, princessjasmine +, writes (15 June 2011):
princessjasmine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionill have to disagree anonymous, the guilt comes from what society thinks is acceptable and be me going against it, it comes from family stuff and what PEOPLE might think, the guilt also comes from me getting worried that God wont want me to fall in love anytime soon b/c i'm 'not ready' b/c i hooked up w/a guy recently. The guilt doesn't come from my own personal reasons, they all have to do with worldy things. If it were up to me, I'd say, yes I had momentary bliss, i did something that al humans wnat to do, i dont do it every month or every wk, most pppl do it w/the same pesron but wat diff does it make w/same or diff, i do it ONCE with one person, u do it 100 x with the ame person, at the end of the day to me, it is an act to procreate, personally i think if God is a good God, He would still let me fall in love and I WOULD have beautiful sex, that isn't to say that perhaps the sex i did have wasnt great b/c it was amazing, maybe it was better than my true loves sex and i got to experience that. So why beat myself up for it? well, b/c the only concern is what OTHERS think, we live in a cruel world filled w/unecessary rules my guilt comes from you anonymous
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female
reader, princessjasmine +, writes (15 June 2011):
princessjasmine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou give me hope annalisa! i have a good friend by tht nname :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): You can always find plenty of people, especially younger people, to tell you that all kinds of casual sex is fine and doesn't hurt anyone, etc.
But that bad feeling in the back of your mind keeps gnawing at you, doesn't it? It's because that bad feeling knows bullshit when it smells it. If you cheapen sex there is no un-cheapening it.
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female
reader, princessjasmine +, writes (14 June 2011):
princessjasmine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhow manyh of u agree with anonymous male? there is some truth to that, it is hard for me to feel but i can still feel things, the wayi can remember when i was innocent for guys, when its real, there is no denying that b/c love is love and when you feel it, you feel it...and ive felt it. as for the cheapening sex part, ive only had sex 2 times (not 100 times with one person) but literally just 2 times, i dont think ive cheapened it, i love the feeling of it,and when i last had it, it was special, maybe it wasn't the guy i loved, but to me it felt like love at the time, in the moment i felt close to that guy, eventhough i may not feel that way now. it was still beautiful. The first time i had sex it was just to experiment and see what it felt like, im glad i did it that way. Now, when Im in love, ill know what im doing, it wont be awkward or weird, but ill be confident and ill be relaxed, feeling great...the first time i did it i felt very awkward and scared. the second time i did it, i wanted it, and it was good. I dont plan on doing it again until i get with my love. I think ive quenched my thirst of curiosity about sexual things. i dont need to have momentary bliss b/c i had the best kind a wk ago, the other guys didnt do what they did and maybe i was seeking out that bliss i was looking for, i dont feel guilty about him but the others i do. As for the guy who said he hates that id be shy and coy, no you got me all wrong....im shy in the beginning as we get to know eachother, i think once i am ready w/him he would have a GREAT time! it'll be excellent b/c not only will i kno waht im doing, ill feel it so much more and he'd feed off that love that im giving off.
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reader, Drew21  +, writes (14 June 2011):
 OP: thanks for answering my question. 12 guys over 6 years is really not "a lot", in my opinion!
I wouldn't worry too much about it.
And not to jump into another person's question:
But you asked someone else if THE ONE was the best sex they ever had:
I can tell you the answer is a NO for me.
It's always been good sex, and the rest of our relationship is really great, but i have definitely had better sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011): I have to disagree with the prevailing arguments of "if it feels ok to you, then there is nothing wrong with it." I also disagree with those who say that the past sexual relationships have no bearing on your future. The fact is that the more sexually involved you are with people whom you do not share an emotional relationship, the more you are cheapening sex and stunting your emotional life. You will find that the more frequently you have sex without love, and the more you use it as a means of recreation, the more confused your inner life will become. Your boundaries will blur, and it will be harder for you to love and to trust and to develop deeper emotions.Will you be able to marry? Yes, sure. But to say that your past won't affect your current relationship or your choice of partner is naive.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011): "what do i say to the good muslim guy i marry one day....when it comes to serious relationships i become this really shy, coy girl...its quite funny. With something thats real, i become quite innocent and sweet and its the complete opposite of this wild crazy party girl thing i do w/guys i dont really care about. I have issues :("To my mind, there's (almost) nothing worse than a woman who is shy and coy in "serious" relationships, but has wild sex with guys she doesn't care about. This basically ensures that the guy in the serious relationship will never experience the things with her that all the other guys did. I guess you can hide your past and/or lie about it, but I suspect most guys would start to figure out at some point that they're getting the plain vanilla boring sex, whereas past guys got to experience the good stuff.I'm not saying you should act like a complete slut early in a relationship with a guy you're interested in for more than a fling. But, I do think it's probably better to start letting yourself go at some point in the relationship.Everyone is different, but getting boring sex from a woman on the basis that she saw me as "relationship material", knowing she was wild with guys she didn't care about in the past would bother me more than the number.Your number doesn't sound all that high to me, but you shouldn't do it if it makes you feel bad.
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reader, princessjasmine +, writes (14 June 2011):
princessjasmine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWas it the best sex you ever got? How does it compare to the other hook ups?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011): i have slept with over 40 people. I couple i regret though on the whole there all different experiences. Now Im almost married and my fiance says Im an amazing lover and that she has never known anyone like me. The number may be high but i have always been careful and very loyal. When the "one you Love" comes along you will know :-)
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reader, princessjasmine +, writes (14 June 2011):
princessjasmine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe funny thing is, most of these guys actually respect me and like me, b/c im sweet in bed, i do the whole romantic talk and make them feel special....then they wana actually take me out and get to know me, IM THE ONE whose like 'get away' and hate the romantic crap they pull and then i avoid them...id ont htink i hav that rep where i am b/c im very secretive of it, and i dont come off as 'that girl' im flirty but i dont give off that vibe unless im really feeling a guy.....i hav told myself not to do it and be aware but i failed AGAIN! idk wat to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011): Annalisa gave a great response there.
The number is not as important as the situations themselves, the quality of guy, how you feel about it.
The issue mainly is this is something you enjoy, want and pursue to get your rocks off, or whether this is a situation where you're just letting any guy who wants to have you and just being "easy". You know? Guys you wouldn't really want to be with but are just "letting" them if you know what I mean because you get carried away in the moment but feel like shit about it when you think back.
PJ there's nothing wrong with exploring your sexuality and having some fun while doing it but if it makes you ashamed or you'd prefer if you didn't do those things then it's a problem and one you'd want address.
As Gabrielle Stoker said if you don't mind getting a reputation for that, if you think you could handle a reputation for being easy and you enjoy getting with lots of guys then there's nothing wrong with what you're doing. Guys will talk to each other let other guys know you're up for it and you'll have lots of other guys coming to you for the same thing.
But if on the other hand you dread that kind of reputation, if getting carried away with guys in the heat of the moment is not something you look back on with fondness, something which you regret and wish you didn't do, which in your PM to me seems to be the case.
Then you have to set yourself some boundaries, ones that you won't cross, ones that you will obey strictly for your own happiness. Boundaries such as only kissing and cuddling with guys you're not actually dating. Not letting guys you're kissing grope you only guys you're dating. Not going off to be alone with guys if you think a sexual situation is on the cards.
PJ it is exceptionally obvious very early on in any evening when a guy is trying it on, you know exactly how it goes and you can pick a point early on to not let it get out of hand. You know from the moment you walk in the door that something may happen because you know the situation, which guys are single and which ones are checking you out.
If you get with these guys because you just want male attention, don't think you're lovable or worthy of a real relationship, then that's not good. Because you are worthy of that but it won't happen until you make guys work a bit harder to deserve you.
Look the bottom line is this, the number is not important really, no future boyfriend will ever know because you're not going to discuss it anyway. The only thing that matters is whether you're happy with the number and whether you're happy with that number increasing a lot, if you're not then you have to do something about that. It's easy resist temptation when you don't allow yourself to get into intimate situations in the first place. I've been doing that for the past 6 years because I'm in a relationship, it's only different and a lot easier for me because my needs are being met but it is really easy to stay out of those situations if that is really what you want.
If you want to date guys instead of one night stands, then you'll hold back the sex stuff until they've earned it by taking you one dates and getting to know you properly, testing guys suitability and whether they only want you for sex or whether they actually really like you enough to work hard to get you.
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reader, princessjasmine +, writes (14 June 2011):
princessjasmine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthose were over a period of time, like over years since 19-25 i mean it was one every 4-5 months or so
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reader, princessjasmine +, writes (14 June 2011):
princessjasmine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm asking b/c i feel guilty, why do i do it? some of the times i do it for attention, or so ppl dont think im so 'innocent' b/c i give off that vibe, other times i do it b/c i need momentary pleasure, the biggest regret was when i did it just for the heck of it, or out of anger (from an ex) the reasons SUCK and thats wat pisses me off b/c none of them were out of true love, i hope that i can feel real sex from a true love....my friend says theres nothing wrong w/having good sex and the last guy was AMAZING, i felt like i was sinking deep into a bed of complete euphoria, he pleasured me and only me..it was all about me, but i regret it, i regret that we werent in love, that now ive had sex w/2 guys, and what do i say to the good muslim guy i marry one day....when it comes to serious relationships i become this really shy, coy girl...its quite funny. With something thats real, i become quite innocent and sweet and its the complete opposite of this wild crazy party girl thing i do w/guys i dont really care about. I have issues :(
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reader, Drew21 +, writes (14 June 2011):
I guess my question would be 12 guys over what period of time?
Is this in the past year? The past 5 years?
What is making you ask this question? Are you feeling some form of guilt? Are you worried that people may be judging you?
Really it all comes down to you what you are comfortable with. Are you having a good time? Enjoying life?
If so, then i wouldn't worry about it. To be quite honest i prefer dating a girl who has had some sexual experience. They know what they like!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011): There's no definitive number that's too many or a lot for 25. I know women who have had more & less guys than you and they're younger.
The actual question is - is it a lot to you, does it really bother you and why? Only you can answer that.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 June 2011):
If you are uncomfortable with the number, stop and take some time to figure out who you keep "hooking up" if it means nothing to you.
Instead of the doubts and regret, just take the time to THINK before you act. Ask yourself if you are doing it to please YOU or some random guy.
You may not see a hand job and oral as sex, but I do. Call me old fashioned. However, it doesn't mean that I think you are promiscuous. I would assume you are more in a curiosity phase.
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reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (14 June 2011):
 The saying goes "If you have to ask, it probably is..." though I don't necc. subscribe to that. It's one of those things where the individual's mileage may vary. Why do you think it's too much? If you're comfortable with who you are and the impression that inevitably gets created about you, then that's not a problem. I'm guessing its the impression that's created more than who you are that's troubling you and I do understand where you're coming from. In school I hooked up with exactly two guys the whole time I was there and I was considered a slut which I found disturbing and spent long nights feeling sorry for myself. In the past 9 years I've got (far more justifiably) a bit of a reputation for being the easiest girl in town and I don't care any more. If you're enjoying what you do and arecomfortable with yourself, it hardly matters, after all.
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reader, zebralove +, writes (14 June 2011):
 the number of partners you've had doesn't change the persone you are. All you need is to be carefull and use protection.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 June 2011):
 There is obviously an underlying reason why you are asking this question. At the end of the day everybody is different and everyone has different life styles. I wouldn't try and judge yourself or allow anybody else to judge yourself. Just make sure you are being safe and look after yourself against any sti's because you can get them through hooking up with someone as well not just sex so as long as you are keeping yourself safe and using protection you will be OK.
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