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Guys who say they aren't ready for relationships..yeah right

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Question - (9 May 2010) 4 Answers - (Newest, 9 May 2010)
A female United States age 26-29, *righter_than_sunshine writes:

So I have a question that has been bugging me. Four years ago I had just arrived at college. I met this guy first at the club and I hooked up with him. The day after I realized I just wasn't interested in the guy I met at the club however I did get to know the guys roommate. I don't know what it was about his roommate but I had an instant attraction. I was really into this guy big time. So I met the roommate at the club randomly and we had fun dancing, kissing and talking all night. I had asked him at his house later if he was looking for a relationship. He said absolutely not he just got out of a marriage and had a child. He said he was just looking to have fun. I was crushed but figured hey I'm going to make the best out of this and went ahead and hooked up with him. I couldn't resist (I know I was in major lust with him). I hooked up with him again a few nights later and eventually stopped seeing him because I wanted a relationship not sex. Well a few months past and I had moved on and met someone. I go in for a job interview at the same place this guy works (not on purpose, it is a small town and the only casino). I forgot he worked there and I ran into him he waved and smiled. He texts me later on that night. He asks how I am doing and saying we should hang out. I told him I was in a relationship and I pretty much blew him off because I figured all he wanted was sex. I found it odd that he waved and texted me that night. Usually the one night stands I have had I see the guy around town and he doesn't acknowledge the fact that I'm alive.

So it has been a few years now and I ran into his facebook page. I look and see that he is married now!! After he told me he had no interest in a relationship. I looked at some of his pictures he posted and realized he got together with this girl a few months after he texted me wanting to hang out.

I think dang did I blow my chance with this guy when he wanted to hang out. Was he ready? Why did he not want to get into a relationship with me in the first place? I feel like maybe he thought I was slutty since I slept with his roommate and wouldn't be a good role model to his child. So my question is why do guys say they aren't ready for relationships but weeks or months later they end up in one. This has happened to my friends too. Male responses would be appreciated but females are welcome too!

View related questions: crush, facebook, kissing, one night stand, roommate, text

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010):

From a guy's perspective, this is a pretty open and shut case.

You screwed his roommate the night you met him, then suddenly decided you'd rather screw him instead. That would immediately - and rightly - give a guy the impression that you're a flighty, unreliable person prone to making bad decisions at the drop of a hat. And yeah, no doubt he also thought you were a slut (and honestly, I don't know a single guy who wouldn't think that a chick who nailed a dude one night and then tried to nail his roommate the next is a complete slut). End of story.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (9 May 2010):

Fatherly Advice agony auntSo you want a guys input, The world changes in 3 months. Football is over and Nascar is up. In other words look at the other things in our lives. Yes a guys readiness for a relationship can change over night. And this is not strictly a male thing. I was engaged to my wife not 3 months after she told me she was not ready for a long term relationship.

What is haunting you is that you lied to him. You told him you weren't interested in him when in fact you were interested in him. Not in so many words but exactly that message. And that was not the only time. When you first met him, you were interested in him long term, Something that hasn't changed, but by your actions you told him that you wanted a fling. Now you are agonizing over missing your chance. Sorry to say you traded away your chances. Those are now in the past. You will have to move on.

Saying that it is just because guys are inscrutable will not help you to succeed in the future. You are looking for a relationship with a guy. You need to be able to speak guy to win.


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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (9 May 2010):

Laura1318 agony auntYou asked him when he just came out of a bad relationship .When he was ready , you rejected him.

Your destiny was not on the same path and you were not meant to be together.

Sometimes, when the girls are more aggressive or doing the chasing ,the men may tell them that they are not ready for a relationship to ward them off.

When the guys are doing the chasing,it means that they are ready to be in a relationship.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (9 May 2010):

CindyCares agony aunt First,timing is important. One can be not ready for a relationship today, then be ready a few months later.Things change.

Second,I think when a guy says " I am not ready for a relationship " he means " I am not ready for a relationship with YOU ": being in a relationship means ,at least in theory ,that you have to be monogamous and give up your chances and freedom to check out the dating market and see if you can get something more suitable to your tastes. So basically it means " I like you, but I think I can do better "

In your specific case maybe the circumstances in which you met might have played against you. "Slutty " is a negative, judgemental term- let 's say that by sleeping with his friend and then hooking up with him after such a short time maybe gave him the impression that you are someone who changes her mind quickly.

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