A
male
age
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*risoner6
writes:Question: Should I still be looking for sex in a relationship?I have been introduced to a very independent lady by a friend. This lady is solvent, lovely, kind, has a caring personality, good job and no children. She was happily married up to 10 years ago when her husband died suddenly. She is 54 and I am 49. She lives about 45 minutes from where I live.I do feel that I have been pressurised a little by my friend who has a good heart, and wanted me to meet this person as she thought we'd be good for each other and we have a lot in common. In fact she kept ringing me up asking if I was looking forward to meeting her for a week!!I am ashamed to say that I don't feel much attraction to her. It's not something I'm proud of and maybe it's early days. And I am certainly not the most physically attractive male there is so I am probably should not be talking about what is and isn't attractive.But I feel the need to have a meaningful sexual relationship which I have been deprived of for so many years, mainly because no one has found me attractive! I don't know what to do. There is no one I can talk to about this as it sounds ridiculous. There can't be many men writing on hear who have had little sexual experience, a fact that I never reveal to friends, but nevertheless it has been affecting my life so much now. It is frustrating, difficult to focus on anything else and is making me depressed and angry. I have never had any paternal instincts though. Neither has the lady in question ever wanted children.I know that out of respect for this lady we have to decide what sort of relationship we both want as I certainly don't want to hurt her. I suspect that sex isn't a priority for her from the way she talks about her life, but I don't feel any physical attraction anyway. However her friendship would be too good to give up for good as we get on well. She is a decent, honest person.My friend who introduced me to this lady said that persomality was far more important. I agree, yet I still feel that my physical needs have to be met. Maybe this is chauvanistic. I'm not looking for a young model, just someone mid 40s-50s but who I can enjoy life with both in and out of bed. It's a spark of passion that I need. I realise this is a two way process and perhaps it may never happen for me.I divorced 2 years ago after a disastrous 5 year sexless marriage. I'm ashamed to say that I only really got married to please my ex-wife. It seemed a natural thing to do, and I had reached a point where I thought I had found a soulmate, though physical attraction was lacking. So for many years there has been no sex, no close physical intimacy. Now after all these years, I am finding this difficult to cope with. I may consider counselling to help with this.Any advice on this dilemma would be much appreciated. Thanks for listening.
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male
reader, prisoner6 +, writes (30 November 2009):
prisoner6 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany thanks for the very sensible reply (though I doubt very much I will ever have the confidence/charisma of George Hamilton and Clint Eastwood-but if I had their money I would get a complete new wardrobe, get designer glasses and have my teeth whitened!! And I would not have any plastic surgery!!I'm not actually overweight but could do with shedding about 4-8kg.BMI is 26. As far as sex goes, I just wish I had half the problems that everyone else on this site has. I am considering counselling as I cannot live like this much longer without romance/love/sex. It is NOT normal.Many thanks again for your advice.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (29 November 2009):
 If this is just a friendship and you are both fully aware of this fact then she shouldn't be under any illusion that if another woman came along who you were physically attracted to...well your going to go for it. If she thinks she is in a relationship with you but that you have both agreed NOT to have sex well you need to put her straight.
Your issue over lack of sex probably needs to be dealt with away from this friendship. It's a private matter and perhaps you need a little counselling or confidence boosting. You are certainly not too old to find a loving partner with whom to have a full sex life with.
Maybe work on your self image. Losing a few pounds or buying yourself some decent clothing can work wonders for your confidence...I know that sounds shallow but better than doing nothing. Looks become less important as you get older but women prefer a smart guy who takes good care of himself and has a confident air about him...it's intoxicating (thats why women still go gooey over the likes of George Hamilton and Clint Eastwood, they may be older but they ooze confidence)
As for this woman, well she seems like a nice lady so stay friends...there ain't nothing wrong with that.
Best of luck
Aunty Em xxx
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