A
female
age
30-35,
*Charliix
writes:Hi there. Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I will try and be informative but brief!Myself and my partner (now ex) couldn’t be more perfect for each other. We were together just under a year and our relationship was great. We rarely argued or fell out and for 99% of the time we enjoyed every second of each others company. We both felt we were in this for life. I am 24 and she is 22. We are both women. We were so happy that we’d found each other and had more or less everything in common. We both work in the same job, and have the same morals, interests etc. In May this year I moved in with her and her parents, which was amazing. We both got on well and the fact of living together didn’t affect our relationship at all, we still enjoyed every second together and didn’t get that “you are doing my head in now” feeling. Around April she started showing signs of low mood. Her confidence just vanished, almost overnight, as did our physical relationship. We both spoke honestly and openly about it all and she assured me she still felt the same and wanted to be with me. As the months went on her low mood and low confidence just seemed to get worse and worse. At this stage her parents were not aware of how bad my partner felt. She was too afraid to tell them in concern of ‘disappointing’ them somehow. I spoke to her one day and told her I was struggling to know what to do so encouraged her to speak with her parents so we could ALL support her through this difficult time. She asked if I could make the first step and speak to her step mum. I did this and her step mum then in turn told her Dad. Nothing much happened after that and it was down to me again to provide her support and encouragement to keep going.Around July time she broke down to me one day and said she was struggling to cope. She said watching TV and doing basic every-day things became a massive effort and she just felt tearful and empty all the time. I asked her openly and honestly whether she may think she is depressed. She agreed and once again I opened up to her step mum to tell her what was happening. I encouraged her to go speak with a doctor as it could help her feel more positive about the future and steps she could take to feel better. At the stage it was becoming very difficult for me. I was unhappy at my job and feeling stressed and low myself. Therefore I think I held a lot of my own problems to myself in order to not put any extra pressure on her. The lack of our physical relationship also started to take its toll. As it is only natural to want to be physical with the person your deeply in love with and feel that acceptance and want from them too!. That said, I never pressured her or never made her feel bad for not being able to engage with me intimately. Instead I would just simply ask her to reassure me that she still loved me, which she did. Despite the lack of intimacy her and I were still very tactile. She still kissed me passionately and always cuddled me and remained close- right up until the break up!. The lack of sex was difficult, but I still felt love and affection from her in other ways. Few weeks later she went to the doctors and they suggested counselling. She also got diagnosed with an under active thyroid, which the doctors suggested could have contributed to her low mood and lack of sex drive!. For me at this stage I felt more positive and it felt like she was moving forward and hopefully on her way to combat her issues!. Since we got together we had both discussed moving in together. When I began living with her parents we both agreed it would only be for a few months and we started saving for a deposit for a rented property. Around September time we had both saved enough for a deposit so started looking around the area. She seemed very excited and it gave her something to focus on. One weekend we both a spent a lot of money buying little house things, kitchen bits and even found a sofa we loved and began the process on ordering it. Then I went on a set of nights. Her parents were away and I think her really struggled being on her own during the evenings. She called me every night, all the way through the night. Also during her time alone she brought more things for our house and seemed really excited about it all.When I finished my nights we had a house viewing booked one morning. We had a lovely day together the day before and she seemed to be excited about the viewing. The next morning I woke up to get myself ready and got her up aswell. She told me she had cancelled the viewing as she didn’t feel we were ready. I got angry and we ended up having a bit of an argument. I wasn’t angry that she wasn’t ready, and I told her this. I was just more upset she didn’t tell me.She went to work that morning and called me a few hours later asking if I would go home for a few days, as she needed ‘space’. I got upset and said I didn’t understand but would respect what she wanted. We spoke that night, after I had gone home and she told me she was feeling very very low and empty. She told me she had started to feel nothing inside, no emotions, no feelings. She said she knew she loved me, but felt nothing inside. She said she knew she loved her Dad and her step mum, but felt nothing inside. I was compassionate and said she really needs to get some help and suggested private counselling. I also said we should hold off on moving out until she is better and she seemed to agree and appreciate this. The whole week after this we spoke everyday. She did seem different and distant but I knew she was feeling low so didn’t worry too much. Several times she reassured me that she still loved me and wanted to be with me, and she wanted to get herself ‘sorted’ so she could be ‘better’ for us. The following weekend I treated us both to a spa day. We both had a lovely day and it was nice to just relax and spend quality time together; something she said we needed to do more instead of focusing on her depression and her issues. She said we’d been neglecting our relationship so wanted to go have fun together; I agreed completely and was excited to do more things like we used to when we first started dating. Before I dropped her home after the Spa I got quite upset and told her I was really worried I was going to lose her. She hugged me and kissed me (like she always did) and told me not to worry, there was nothing to worry about, it was all in her head and she loved me. The following night I messaged her when she got home from work and she was very blunt and distant, telling me she felt really down and wanted to be left alone. I did as she asked and told her I was there for her. The following 3 days she didn’t respond to any of my messages or phone calls. I was very upset as she promised me she wouldn’t ignore me or cut me out. One night, after not hearing from her for days, she text me saying she needed to talk. I called her straight away and she ended the relationship over the phone. Her reasons were that she felt nothing for me anymore and just saw me as friend. She mentioned our difficulties with our sexual relationship and said she felt it might not be down the depression anymore. I pleaded with her to think about it as it wasn’t possible to think clearly if she feels so empty inside due to her depression, but she wasn’t having any of it and told me nothing could ‘fix’ it. Can anyone advice me on this situation?Is it common for people experiencing depression to completely shut off?Is it common for people with depression to feel like they've lost feelings for their partner?Please help!
View related questions:
confidence, depressed, money, moved in, sex drive, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (31 October 2017):
 Can you arrange with the step mum or her dad to come and collect your stuff when she is out at work? No contact might be the best solution for you both at the moment. It could be her depression or it could be she is just unhappy in general and the relationship wasn't working for her. Either way you cannot help her now, she can only pull herself out off this. The best thing you can do is collect your stuff, give her space and move on with your life.
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (29 October 2017):
 She isn't withholding it. She just doesn't want to deal with it. It is at the bottom of her list of priorities. If you want your stuff then go and get it.
Depression is a serious illness. If you knew she had breast cancer you wouldn't be accusing her of withholding your goods, surely?
...............................
A
female
reader, xCharliix +, writes (29 October 2017):
xCharliix is verified as being by the original poster of the question Also I would like to add;Since we broke up (just over 2 weeks) she has made no effort to get me to come collect my belongings. When she asked for space and I went home for a few days, i literally packed a few bags of clothes. However EVERYTHING I own is still at her house.I messaged her last weekend asking when she was off work so I could come collect my things. She bluntly replied saying she didn't have any days off. I replied saying that was fine and for her to let me know when I can come. I spoke with her Step mum in the week and she told me my ex was off on Tuesday, despite telling me she didn't have any days off.Since then I've heard nothing from her. If she wanted it to be over completely then surely having my stuff out the house would be done already. It is was a few jumpers etc I wouldn't care as much, but it's literally everything.Anyone want to comment and suggest why she might be withholding my stuff??
...............................
A
female
reader, xCharliix +, writes (29 October 2017):
xCharliix is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses.I have considered it to be situational based and have considered the possibility she was actually unhappy with me. However, before we got together she said she was struggling with her self confidence and her relationship with her Mum has always been difficult. She admitted to me before she broke up with me that she feels she has a lot of unresolved issues that our 'honeymoon' period just covered up. When we began to get comfortable and our relationship settled down, especially when I moved in, it all came back. Her relationship with her Mum has always been difficult but particularly this year she has struggled to come to terms with it all. Her Mum never accepted her for who she was, the fact she was gay, dressed differently, liked sports etc. She admitted to me early on that she didn't know who she was and was constantly trying to find approval from her mum and other members of her family.I have considered the possibility that the relationship progressed and she felt 'stuck' as you said. But with all the other issues she was facing, that seemed to stem from way before we even met, it is clear to see that it may not have actually been anything to do with me. When she first started feeling low and low in confidence it was her idea to have me move in with her parents as she felt she wanted to spend everyday with me. I cannot see how, if she felt stuck in the relationship, she would suggest this before I even thought about it.
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (29 October 2017):
Yes to both your questions. And depression doesn't just hit the one person. It affects family, friends and lovers.
As far as how to handle this there is no one-stop fix. What you must know is that you can't fix her. She needs a health professional.
Check in whenever seems appropriate and see if there is anything she needs. She may shut down completely and retire to a room. Whenever someone suffers from depression they don't see the world in the same way as a normal functioning person. Everything looks dark and hopeless.
I think you have to be prepared for the likelihood that your time together as you once knew it is over. Your girlfriend is struggling just to keep going.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2017): I really feel for you, I’ve been there on both sides. I’ve struggled with low moods, lack of feeling and emotion, shutting everyone out, lack of motivation to do things, anything and everything actually even the most thing basic like taking a shower or getting out of bed. I’ve also been in a similar situation to you, supporting a loved one through depression. We worked and lived together and it wasn’t easy. You’ve done and have been doing all the right things, giving space when needed, supporting every way you can by listening, talking, just being around sometimes and believe me your girlfriend would have appreciated it if even she didn’t say it. Just wanted you to have those reassurances that you’ve done everything possible.The bottom line is that if she doesn’t want to help herself, if she chooses to withdraw even more, if she thinks she needs space and time away from the relationship then unfortunately that is not in your control. My advice, be there when she needs you. Keep in close contact to her parents too as they will need to do more for/with her to help her if you’ve moved out. Messages every now and again to show you’re thinking of her should hopefully improve her mood somewhat - just little things may help her to come round. It’s so she knows she has purpose, you love her and care for her. As I said I’ve been on both sides and my now fiancé was my rock. He stood by me and I stood by him when he also suffered from depression just like you’ve stood by her. I don’t think she wants to end the relationship but the emptiness, the lack of any emotion and feeling will make her feel that way. That’s not her true self so remain a presence in her life however possible and she’ll see that. Best wishes, I hope things work out for you
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2017): Hard to tell. She could be depressed and as a consequence stop enjoying things she once enjoyed, lose her interest in sex, her desire to be active and do things.However, from what you told me I'm more inclined to believe that she was unhappy (or experienced so called situational depression, when you find yourself in a situation you cannot deal wit,feel stuck and see no way out) for a while and she just didn't know how to get out. In that case one of the first signs is lack of interest for sex.You are both very young. Maybe she lost feelings for you and felt guilty about it and you were already living with her at her parents' place to complicate things even more. Maybe she wanted to fix things despite the fact that she knew that the love was gone. Hence back and forth.If I were you I'd listen to her and take her word for it. Don't look for things that are not there. Move on.
...............................
|
