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male
age
30-35,
*crewedup
writes:I have been dating my gf for almost a yr now. She is 17 and I am 18. a few months ago we found out she was pregnant. Since we told our parents its been hell. Her parents were upset, her dad natural blamed me. Its been almost 2 months since we told her parents and her father wont even speak to me when I am around. My dad has been worse. We have gotten into A LOT of fights because of this and 2 of them got physical one to the point where my brother called the police. I understand that they are upset but its something that we cant change now and I hate that every day is one big fight. My gf cries everynight because she hates thinks my parents hate her now. What can I say or do at this point to make this matter better. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (23 September 2011):
None of us are saying you're dumb. What we're saying is that you're too stubborn for your own good. You say that "maybe" you've added to the tension. It's not maybe, it's definitely! I just read the exchange and from your posts I was pretty much expecting your dad to behave like the boogeyman, except that he was actually quite reasonable. My dad would never have been able to write an e-mail that sensible. He'd blow up first. It's obvious your family is trying to look after you and want to make this work. Hell they even admit their own wrong doings! Now don't give them the cold shoulder by not talking to them. It's only going to make things worse because they reached out and by not talking to them, you're ignoring their efforts. I honestly don't see the big problem. You have a family that has the means and cares enough to support your dreams and wants to help you out. They just don't turn a blind eye to your mistakes. Well that's a good thing because when you're let loose on the real world no-one is going to accept a bad attitude from you when you fall on your face.I think that the problem in the MSN exchange was that you just wanted to get the apology over with and did it while your dad was still in the middle of trying to say something. Rule number #1 in communication: do NOT interrupt someone while they're speaking, no matter how important the message is. It's importance will be downplayed because of the irritation the interruption invokes. Your timing simply was very poor and the following "shut up" that you threw after it completely nulls the message you were trying to get across. No wonder your dad got annoyed. Learn to wait for your turn. I honestly believe that if you let people finish their sentences and actually LISTEN to what they have to say, this problem you're experiencing with your dad will dissolve soon enough. You just need to learn the basics of communication.
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male
reader, screwedup +, writes (22 September 2011):
screwedup is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'll remember to not change my major to law. I am actualy studying science right now and hopefully I can do premed and become a pediatric anesthesiologist. (I'm not as dumb as you all think). As for me and my dad, I know sometimes I can be rude but getting through to my dad is alittle hard some times and if you plan on getting more then one word in during a conversation with him, telling him to shut up is the only way its going to happen. My dad and I generally get along really well (shockinh I know) right up until this summer he was actually pretty cool. I read all of the comments that everyone wrote and then reread through my dads text and emails and I guess maybe I did add to the tense. I think that maybe it is best if I dont call him and that way maybe both of us can think about stuff and then things might get better. I know once the baby is here he will be fine, he loves kids. But maybe distance is my friend for now.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 September 2011):
 OP, whatever you study , don't study Law, you'd make a bad lawyer, you offer as defence evidence which is a weapon for the prosecution :) " I was drunk " ( WHY ? You should not have been !) " I did not think " (.. but you were supposed to ! )" all my friends never use b/c " ( your friends then are morons and you need to change friends ). Stop finding excuses and accept your part in what's happened, it does not mean going around wearing a sign with " I screwed up " on, but, understanding it's not all about you ! Me me me, what I want to do, MY girl, MY stress, MY pride. I am stressed, I am tired, I feel this I feel that. SOOOO ? You feel stressed because of a mess you have made, and now everybody is supposed to just pay ,help ,shut up ,do not voice their(reasonable) concerns or comments, and tiptoe around your delicate ,sensitive ego. You were man enough to impregnate a girl, now be man enough to handle the aftermath in a mature, constructive way.
I was appalled reading your msn exchange . It sounds to me that you like to instigate fights, or at least to add fuel to fire, so, while- mind you- still not condoning your father 's outbursts, because he's older and wiser and should not bite your bait,.... you throw him bait aplenty. " "Class was class, what do you think " "Shut up " " Fuck you "... Are you insane ?!
You are LUCKY. Your dad is all bark and no bite. My son's father is the opposite. He is very calm ,well mannered,and even tempered, yet he's hard as nails. So, if my son had ever told him to fuck himself, much probably his father would have calmly and even temperedly shown him the door and let him fend for himself. " Bye son. I hope you'll be able to pay your studies by yourself. Be well ".
In fact, your dad is not even barking that loud I think. From the exchanges you submitted he really cares , he is just very worried and he is trying to share his concern and give you guidance in a reasonable sensible CARING way. If you decide to react as a misunderstood , put upon Romeo with a punk ass attitude, that's your choice, and any choice has consequences. And you have seen the consequences of yours: disharmony, antagonism, miscommunication. So what about tryng a different approach now ,uh?
Unluckily ," there's no deafest man that the one who does not want to hear " so I have no hope that any of our words may make a dent in the wall of stubborness, arrogance and defensiveness you've built around you. I can just wish you sincerely the best for the arrival of the baby and hope it's going to bring back some peace and comprehension in your family.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 September 2011):
 Just read your exchanges. You say "fuck you" "shut up" to your dad? Really? He sounds pretty reasonable to me in these messages. You come across as a bit of an immature teenager. Granted, you're a father-to-be, but you still sound like you're having a common back-and-forth rather disrespectful exchange with your Dad. Other than you have a baby on the way with your girlfriend. And your car's insurance card isn't there. And your filter for communicating with your dad is clogged with your assumptions.
Sorry but these messages kind of suggest that your dad's been doing his best to communicate with you and you're kind of being a teenage cliche.
I've spent enough time trying to help you now, I do wish you and your family good luck and I hope your sudden promotion to fatherhood isn't too awful for you. For what it's worth, your dad's doing his best too.
Someone once said to me "apple trees make apples." You are your father's son in more ways than you realize. Good luck and I hope for the baby's sake you get this all sorted out.
Here's a word to ponder on. Humility.
Best wishes.
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reader, screwedup +, writes (22 September 2011):
screwedup is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhere is the email my dad sent me after our failed msn talkA-------, I know that you are stressed and that is why we wanted to help you. Since you were 10 years old you wanted this and as much as you don't want to admit it if we didn't help you your dreams would never work. I raised 4 kids another one isn't an issue for us. It's you, we wanted more for you. You wanted more then this. I'm not going to sit and watch soem girl ruin everything that your work so hard to get. You have to think about this for just a second but how do you really plan on the next 8 years working out. Do you see your self graduating? Because honestly I don't and that is what kills me inside. You could do this and I we all know you can but not with all of this going on. Not with her in your life. We haev accepted that you want to keep this baby but I don't think you really thought it all through. You don't see the uphill battle you will face. I know my frustration can get the best of me but talking to you is like trying to break through a wall and it only turned that way after K---- came into your life. I talked every single day about safe sex to you. Every day we had the same conversation yet it still happened. Now the conversation is about your well being and no matter how many times we have the conversation you seem like you are doing the opposite of what is best for you. We care A------ we all do and John cares he sees what you don't, what we all don't. He does have a bad attitude and he gives it to all of us but that is John and that's what makes him special. None of us want to see you upset that's why we are trying to get you to see the real future. Call when you are ready to talk.[Mod note: Names were changed or obscured.]
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reader, screwedup +, writes (22 September 2011):
screwedup is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok so i tried to talk to my dad here is the msm messages between us, sorry its longDad: How was classA------: it was class how do you think it wasDad: Did you check your accounts? Your mother put the rest of the money in there. Make sure it gets paid first thing in the morningA------: will do sirDad: I was talking to Mrs D------ todayA------: I can't find my car insurance card its not in the carDad: You can't drive with it. Why wouldn't it be in the car?Dad: You need to find it A------: dont start, what did she want Dad: She said you weren't coming home this weekend and that K---- was going over thereA------: yeah I work Dad: If you work why is K---- going over then?A------: dad, I know I fucked upA------: I know you and John pretty much hate me and I'm sorryDad: You better not take a day off just because she is going to visitA------: shut up dad, let me say what I have to sayA------: are you done now can I go on???Dad: Yes sirA------: Im scared, I'm stressed. I have you freaking out K---- crying, John blaming me for the sun not shining and guess what I cant handle it. Im sorry I fucked up But you need to know I didnt want any of this either I hate going home because I know as soon as I walk in the door John is going to have his punk ass attitude in my face. You are going to spend the whole weekend butchin me out and I cant stand it. you need to lay off it. You know how hard it is to study and work and have all of this shit going on. I feel like I sold my soul to the devil by letting you help. Im busting my ass but its just never good enoughDad: I do know how hard it is A------. I sat in those classes and thats what you don't understand I've been there, it's hard and I didn't have a baby or K----'s drama to deal with. I'm not the devil here A------. A------: fuck you Dad: If you would just open your eyes and see what everyone else already does then it would be a hell of a lot easier. You told John you wanted to break up. That you had told K---- you needed a break and wow the next week she gets pregnant she has done nothing but sit with a pretty little smile on her face since all of this happened. You might not have wanted this but she sure did.A------: I'll pass my classes dont worry about it. A------: people fight dad, we had a fight yeah I told her that but she didnt make me get her pregnantDad: See right there you just won't listen will you. I'm not having this conversation like thisA------ we will never have this conversation because no one but you can talkDad: Go study. If you want to talk pick up the phone and call home more then once a week.[Mod note: Names were altered for privacy reasons.]
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reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (22 September 2011):
 OP, its been 30 years ago now, but I have been where you are with just SLIGHTLY different circumstances. We were 19, graduated from high school and had minimum wage paying jobs. We used b/c every time except once...Uh yeah..you guessed it. I was TOTALLY freaked out..I had wanted to get married down the road, but didn't want children for YEARS. I seen my whole life crashing around me. Back then, it was still considered a shame to be a young woman and not married..so everyone started planning my wedding as soon as they found out I was pregnant. My b/f was ecstatic..I was scared out of mind, still trying to figure out if I even wanted a baby! Our parents were more accepting of things, it was the first grandchild for both families. I was so scared, so confused and everyone was just pushing and pulling at me, and I had no idea what to do. I didn't want to be married and didn't want a baby! My b/f and I were fighting almost every single day, along with the families trying to tell us what to do. It was a nightmare. I know everyone says you are being difficult, but I do understand where you are coming from. I truly do. I know how I felt caged and trapped and really angry and resentful, but who could I blame?? I had to take responsibility for what at happened and realize that my life would never be the same..and I had to swallow my pride and realize that I needed my families help. Granted, your father isn't acting the way a loving father would, but please understand...he is very worried I'm sure and obviously doesn't know how to control his temper. As everyone else has said, please try to see it from his point of view as much as you can. He's older, he's wiser, and he knows more of the world than you do. He's looking ahead and can see what COULD happen, and I'm sure there's a part of him that is very sad for you...Please try your best to understand. I'm sure he loves you, and just isn't dealing with this well. I don't think he means to be a jerk, honest I don't. Please try to talk to him calmly as Trisha suggested....it certainly couldn't hurt. You are trying to be responsible, that's great..but honey..you have NO IDEA what it is like to have a baby. You will be soooo happy to have your families help down the road..TRUST ME on this one! I want to tell you that everything will turn out ok..but honestly? It may not...having a child at ANY age is very stressful. For me, the marriage lasted 2 years. Then I was 21 and left alone with a baby...it wasn't easy. If it hadn't been for my family, I never would have made it. Keep this in mind. Please do not let your pride/anger make your turn away from your family. You made a mistake, we all do. You will get through this, and when that baby comes along, I'm sure your father's feelings of anger will melt and that baby will be spoiled rotten. For now, try to put yourself in your dad's place and be prepared for ANYTHING. You need to see reality, not look at life through rose colored glasses. Having a baby is tough, especially at your tender age, and trust me, you can never be prepared for everything. Don't let anything surprise you. You're going to have to grow up very quickly sweetie..I'm sorry. That's just the way that it is. You sound like a nice young man and trying to do the right thing. It WILL be ok, I promise..but its going to be a bumpy road for awhile. Hang in there.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 September 2011):
"Dad, I know I screwed up in one of the most major ways I could have. I am so sorry. I am sorry I let you and Mom down, I'm sorry I let Ginny's mom and dad down. I'm sorry I let myself and Ginny down. I'm sorry. I'm scared to death and every time you yell at me, I just feel so sorry and so unhappy that I've caused you this much pain and upset and hurt. I'm just barely holding myself together and I know you deserve to be angry and upset with me. I know that you have a lot of anger and disappointment to convey to me. I know that my life and Ginny's and yours and everyone's is not going to be the same ever. I'm sorry.
I'm scared to death and I was hoping that I could use you as a role model and a source of strength, 'cause you've always been that to me in the past, even if I didn't say it. Do you think you could find a way to only yell at me once a day? I'm not sure I can take it much more than that. I'm doing my best, I know it may not be good enough for you but it's all I've got. My best. I love you Dad and I want you to be proud of me. I'm trying to do the right thing by Ginny and her family as well as you and Mom and our family. I'm doing the best with what I've got. Do you think you could cut me a bit of slack and just let me have it for only 20 minutes a day? I know yelling at me is one way of coping with it all. Do you think we could figure out a new way to cope with it? I'll do my best if you are willing to give it a try."
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reader, screwedup +, writes (21 September 2011):
screwedup is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know and I dont want to come off as an ungrateful jerk but it is really hard to just sit here and listen. He acts like I'm not worried about any of this. I have sat up so many night freaking out and think what did I do to my life but now I have just come to accept everything and make the best of this. Then my dad and fight, which causes my gf and I to fight and then I still have to try and study or go to work and its hard. I know I brought this on myslef but he doesnt see it from my point of view either and now I am beginning to think he wants me and my gf to break up
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (21 September 2011):
Life isn't fair. That's just how it is. Not everyone gets dealt the same deck of cards. Some people can get away with stupidity for their entire lives, some end up paying for one stupid mistake their entire life. There's the kid who did a thousand gymnastics tricks and excelled and the kid who attempted one and broke his neck. Is it fair? No. Does feeling bad about it help? No. You need to shake that feeling.
Your dad isn't handeling this well, but you're just going to have to ride out the storm. My dad used to be a walking landmine when I was at your age. He would blow up at the tiniest stuff and I would shout back because I wanted to defend my pride. As you can imagine we didn't make much progress.
So bite your tongue, however unfair the situation may be at the moment. He has the most authority at your home, so you are just going to have to abide to that. Don't get defensive when he says negative things, nothing. Ignore his baits. When you talk to him, do it calmly and neutrally. Don't get upset (or pretend.) Be gracious about everything.
Look, the more put together and reasonable you appear, the more his bad behavior will stand out, until he will finally notice it himself. Stop fueling the fire and it will die out on it's own.
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reader, screwedup +, writes (21 September 2011):
screwedup is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I know my line of "it only happened once" really shouldnt matter. But don't tell me you (or my father) have never done something you shouldnt have before. I was drunk, I wasn't thinking about the what if's and I'm sure I wasn't the only guy (or girl) on earth to forget about the right or wrong and just go with it. I do know that my parents didnt have to offer to help me, I understand that they are looking out for what is best for me in the long run and they want to see me finish school and I am beyond thankful for that. and I know my mom shouldnt have to waste her summer looking after my child, she raised us and she deserves her own time vut I cann't undo the past. if there was any other way I would never have this effect my parents but at 18 I cant support a baby I know that. it scares the shit out of me to think about it but regardless of what any one thinks I love this baby. If it werent for my parents offering to help I have no idea what I would do. I know my stupidity hurt everyone and how my few minutes of fun has changed everyones lives but I still dont think my dad has any right to act the way he does. he's angry I get it, but to be reminded of it every hour of every day that I fucked up is hard. I know that most high school relatioships dont make it, I'm not stupid but why plan for the break up now, things are ok, they would be even better if I didnt have my father breathing down my neck saying that she is going to leave or saying she did this on purpose. why harsh out a custody agreement if we are together. do married couples make custody agreements? over half of marriages end in divorce now a days so why would it be any different.as easy it is for some one to say "he is helping you out so shut your mouth" lets put you in a house and every day (several times a day) lets yell at you for a mistake you made that you cant change. lets hear him call your boyfriend a slut, let hear him say he trapped you in a relationship on purpose. Lets hear how he is going to walk out and never let you see your child again. every night while you at work lets get text after text on how he is paying for your education, your car and now he has to pay for yoru child. lets just stand there and listen to him cal you stupid, inmature or selfish because you had sex. Lets have every sunday dinner for 2 mouths end in a yelling match. its gets old really damn fast. I keep my mouth shout and took it because I thought "hey , I deserve it" but you know what fuck it. I screwed up yes. But I am 18 and I had unprotected sex once. (yes I know that it is one time to many) but most of friends are out screwing girls every weekend and over half of them never use protection. I messed up once, I was drunk, I just graduated from highschool I was with my gf of a year I was having fun. believe me people need to get their heads out of the clouds and see people make mistakes
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 September 2011):
OP by now on one hand I start feeling heavy handed and a bit of a bully like your dad...on the other hand, allow me, I must say, you sound rather clueless even for 18.
- your dad should never be offered the position of Secretary of United Nations because his diplomacy is not outstanding, but he rises very good points, whether you like it or not. You don't KNOW that you and this girl will still be together in future, statistics are totally against you, very few people end up the way they have started , with their first love. As Tisha very aptly says, wish for the best but be prepared for the worst. In this context it makes sense, in fact it's a must, to figure out and agree what happens just in case, and to define very precisely your future role, rights and obligations as a parent.
- your " defence line " is that it only happened once, it was a mistake, you did not do it on purpose, shit happens. With all due respect, this is silly.
Once is more than enough, - you know that .
And yes, you did it on purpose.
If you know that doing X there are chances that a serious, life altering Y may happen, and you still CHOOSE to do it anyway - then you are actively bringing Y on yourself.
It's like travelling at 100 m.p.h.without fastening your seat belt - and then saying ...but I never wanted to break my neck. No? The moment you refused to fasten that seat belt, you ACCEPTED , heck you invited the possibility of breaking your neck.
( Of course a baby is not a car wreck, in fact I am sure it will bring much joy to everybody - yet I think the example is fitting ).
- Your dad "offered " to pay for what 's needed as long as you stay in school. Sure, because he CARES about you . What else could he do.If the alternative is seeing you throwing away your dreams and chances, and flipping burgers for a living to raise your kid maybe in some dump ...it's really no alternative. He CARES and he prefers to pay for nearly everything. But he did not have much of a choice to begin with .
- I think you misunderstood what I meant, I did not mean that you are going to fob off this child solely to your gf's parents, I meant that since you both live at home, there always be some parent , hers or yours,involved and inconvenienced, who had not asked to be involved and inconvenienced to begin with.
Like, your mom is a teacher, so she has the summer off so she could babysit. I think she will, in fact I tell you more, I think she'll enjoy it, I think that after a couple of weeks you'll have to pry her fingers open to take that baby from her, that's how it goes in general.
So ? This does not cancel the fact that her " summer off " ..is not off any more ! maybe she had planned to go to the beach every day !
OP,you sound a good guy, well meaning and very committed to be a good loving parent, and I commend you for that. This does not change the fact, that in practice between work and school and not having savings, you WON'T be able to do much for, and with , this child- other people will HAVE to step in , and they are a bit pissed about it.
You don't need to cover your head with ashes and beg forgiveness- but to be able to accept calmly their suggestions, opinions, critiques too, yes, this you need.
See it as a great exercise in develepping patience and empathy, which are very useful quality to become a good parent and will help you having with your kid a better relationship than you had with your parents.
And don't sweat it- March is not far and I bet it will bring a big change in everybody's mood !
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 September 2011):
As a new parent, you will soon be learning the meaning of the word "patience" as well as forgiveness and understanding. Now that you have the example of your parents' reactions, you know what NOT to do.
Good luck with the baby and your new life. I hope it goes as smoothly as you seem to think it will. And for what it's worth, I think it is reasonable to make plans for the worst, while hoping for the best, so asking about custody and support and working out those details isn't such a bad idea.
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reader, screwedup +, writes (21 September 2011):
screwedup is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I know that I have brought a lot onto my parents but it wasn't like I was sittign at home and thought "Hey, I should go out and have a baby for my parents to look after" It was a mistake, we always used protection except that one night @Tisha-1 as for my fathers questions he seems to only focus on my stupidity on how I could let this happen. Every conversation starts and ends with "How could you be so stupid to let this happen?" or "How hard is it ot wear a condom?". He did ask the night I told him how I managed to pay for everything but once my mom and him talked it was him who offered to help financially as long as I stayed in school. Most of our fightts start when he starts questioning my relationship. He continues to ask what kind of custody agreement we are going to have "once" we break up or "so is she even going ot let you this "it" once you break up" its like he is rooting for us to break up.@cindycares I know I dont have half of this figured out, I know that I can't pay for half of what this baby needs. BUT yes for us it was sinple enough for us to say we wanted to keep this baby, its a baby regardless if its born yet or not. and if my parents were to say they werent willing to help then I would have to get a full time job and I would have to put school on hold. As for what I think they shoudl pay for, I work as much as my school schedule will allow me. I go to school / work and study. Every thing I make goes in the bank which will then go towards this baby. I knwo its not enough but I do plan on paying what I can. Again I know that my parents shouldnt have to pay for their grandchild but it ws them who offered to help if I stayed in school. As for my gfs parents having to look after everything, my parents won't except them to pay for everything and once I'm done school for the year I will bring the baby here for a few day / a week then he can stay with my gf for a few days so its not like I won't be feeling the effects of a baby. When the baby is here I can get up at night. I would hope since my mom is a teacher and is off during the summer she could help with babysitting so I could work. I just wish my dad would leay off about my relationship and her day coudl get over the fact we had sex and it wsnt ALL my fault so then maybe we coudl all discuss things. But just liek everyone that has responed , everyone seems to think we went out and had a baby that we dont plan on looking after and plan on just handing it over to our parents
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 September 2011):
OP, not to twist the knife in the wound, but I am afraid you are missing the point , which is : it's not all about you or your hurt feelings .
"We both knew ....that we wanted to raise the baby ". Yeah, but that's not what's going to happen. Your parents are , in practice,going to raise the baby.
You've got one entry level part time job between the two of you - it's peanuts. Your parents will have to pitch in heavily for everything. Food, diapers, baby products, clothing, toys, medical bills...
You both will be in school, who's taking care of the baby for all those hours ? A creche ? It's several hundred dollars a month, who's going to pay for it ? Not you. A babysitter ? Ditto. Probably some of the parents will babysit, upsetting their plans and scedule and sacrifying their precious time and convenience, to let you do what you want to do.
You guys are not moving out together, so I guess the baby will live with her at her parent's. So it's not in YOUR house that baby is going to wake up at night cryng and disrupting everybody's sleep - it's not over your things that baby is going to drool, vomit and poo. It's not your stuff that baby is going to break and touch with its adorable yet sticky fingers. It's not you who'll have to switch off the Tv or tiptoe not to interfere with baby's naps.
And so on and so forth.
At 17 and 18 , " we are having a baby " is generally just WORDS. It's the parents who 'll have to do quite a lot of the actions .
Will they get over it in time ? You bet ! Sooner than you think.
Are they furious now ? Yes, why should they not be !
Of course, if you remember, I also said they are not handling this properly, particularly your dad. I do not condone at all his being disrespectful, verbally and physically abusive, he is screwing up big time.
But, since your question was, what can I do to make it better, I believe all you can do is taking responsibility by showing grace under pressure. Keep a low profile. Turn the other cheek. Sleep in the bed you made. I am running short of metaphors but I think you got the gist : now is really not the moment for " on principle " personal affirmation.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 September 2011):
What do you think is a reasonable level of "support" from your parents? Babysitting? Financial help, like paying bills, buying nappies and baby food? Transportation?
I think you don't realize the scope of responsibility that raising a child entails.
Try to write your question from your father's perspective, as a follow up here, and let's see how close you get to comprehending his concerns and anger. You have basically saddled him with a great deal of responsibility. Maybe he was looking forward to some quiet years of enjoying himself without having any nappies to change or maybe he just wanted some alone time with your mother.
You have a very long and difficult road ahead of you and you don't seem to have grasped that in a realistic way. Maybe that's part of your father's anger.
Just try to see it from his perspective. Maybe that will help you deal with him the next time the argument starts.
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reader, screwedup +, writes (19 September 2011):
screwedup is verified as being by the original poster of the question@person1234 adoption and abortion are not options for us. We both knew the moment that we found out that we wanted to raise this baby. I am not trying to be arguemental with my father. Like I said I understand that he is upset but losing it every other day isnt helping things. I know that I should back down when he is angry but I'm not going to sit there and listen to him call out my gf. And yes I know that this baby with effect every aspect of my families lives, my parents, her parents, my brothers etc BUT saying I brought in a little brother or sister with out their permission is unfair also. I know I will need their help but I dont plan on dropping a baby in their lap and going out and having fun. I could drop out of school and get a full time job but thats not really going to help. Working minimum wage isnt the best way to support a family. If I can have their help and I can finish school get the degree I want I can give my gf and this baby the best of everything. I too have seen Teen Mom and neither me or my gf are as selfish or irresonsible as some of the people on that show. I dont plan on leaving here to raise a baby on her own nor do I excpet anyone but you to be parents.I just our fathers to understand that yes we made a mistake, its not like we were trying to get pregnant or having unprotected sex every day and acting like it wouldnt happen to us. We just need their support
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 September 2011):
See what I mean , my young friend ? the very first sentences of your update are the just the kind of thing that could push the buttons of the calmest parent .
" it's not like we can go back in time ..." subtext " shut up already , I have screwed up ,deal with it, there's no point in going on about it ". Technically and rationally you may be right, but parents have emotions too. Maybe they need to vent their anger . Maybe they are worried about your future, anger often masks fear. Maybe they see you still acting juvenile and yes, it's time to clean up your act and you haven't got it yet ... " he acts like if we should be upset 24/7 until March ". Yes sir , precisely- not upset, upset it's not the right word, but concerned and aware ,24/7, till March and ( you'll see, you'll see,lol ) beyond. Welcome to grownupland, bro .
OP, you can't raise your kid by yourself, you are very far from it,... so basically, rather than fathering a child, ... you have just added a new little brother to the family without your parents' permission, do you realize what a bomb you dropped, would you PLEASE at least let them rant and rave a bit without getting all defensive and pigheaded ? Just eat some humble pie ! Grin and bear !, I promise you that the whole atmosphere will change once the baby is here. But in the meantime, is it really so hard to accept your part in having created that atmosphere ?
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reader, person12345 +, writes (19 September 2011):
 I think everything I was going to say about dealing with your parents has been said. You need to be apologetic, not argumentative.
I am wondering have you thought about other options, like adoption or abortion?
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (19 September 2011):
I just posted mine before you posted your follow-up OP. Sorry about that.
Your dad will come around, trust me. He's just a little shellshocked right now. Just be calm with him, (not in a condescending way, mind you). Once he starts shouting, don't try to reason with him, simply let the storm pass and don't add to the fuel. You have to learn how to pick your battles.
Apologies also tend to work wonders, even if your ego hates the idea. Your dad may have the feeling that you just accepted this too soon without really realizing the true consequences of your actions. So tell him when you speak to him: "I know we fight a lot. I know you never wanted this and I feel like an idiot for letting it. It's one of the scariest things ever to happen to me, but it did and I have to take responsibility for this child. But I can't do it without your help. These arguments are really tearing me apart and I really want us to be able to work together and tackle this. What can I do?" Something like this usually softens things up a lot.
I found out that when I started swallowing my ego and started allowing myself to be accountable for my mistakes, my dad was much more lenient and pleasant to be around. Be smart, not stubborn. I know this is hard for you, but this is the path you've chosen. Now face it like a man and your parents will start regarding you as such. Respectful behavior creates respect.
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (19 September 2011):
I fully agree with CindyCares on this one. Your family isn't handeling this well, but there are always two sides to the story and if you've given your family an attitude along with the irresponsible behavior that led this to happen in the first place, they have a right to be upset with you (both).
As a parent, you always hope your child is going to be responsible and think before they act. Of course being young and naive gives that some leeway, but still. So when you drop the bomb of pregnancy all those hopes and dreams they had for you are falling apart. I gather that you have not really thought of the consequences. A child changes everything. Your life, as you know it to be, is over. If you've prepared for that with a steady job, a home, everything you need to make a living, it's a good thing. But you two are not even on your own feet yet.
The way to make it right is by not having that knee-jerk defensive reaction most youngsters have when their parents are angry with them. Try to see it from their side too. Be calm and don't let your father bait you when there's an argument looming in the distance. I used to fight my dad all the time when I was 18. It was because I had a know-it-all attitude and we're both thickheaded as hell. Try to let go of that and be calm. Once he sees grown up behavior from you the panic will reduce and you guys can move forward and make plans for this child.
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reader, screwedup +, writes (19 September 2011):
screwedup is verified as being by the original poster of the question@cindycares - I understand that our parents are upset, I didnt except them to be thrilled BUT its done now. Its not like we can go back in time and change things. (this pregnancy was not planned at all) so we all were really shocked. I will admit I did / do have some attitude when it comes to my dad. The day we found out and i told them was the scariest day of my life. Like I said this wasnt planned so I was enjoying my summer and just being me and I had all of that thrown at me and as soon as she told me we needed to talk I seen my whole life change in front of me. I didnt think it was possible to cry as much as I did. I knew telling them that they would be upset and he actually was calmer that day then he is now. He gets mad because now we talk about things and plan things regarding the baby he acts like we should be upset 24 / 7 until march. I have accepted what is happening, I've accepted that my life will never be the same again. I just wish he could too.As for your other questions I am going to school and working part time. I do have a car grant you it was a gift from my parents. I know that all of this does change their lives always. We will need their help financially and I know its nto fair to them but it is something I cannt change now.
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reader, screwedup +, writes (19 September 2011):
screwedup is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just started my first year of university this past week. I was living at home right up until school started, I am now living on campus. I do have apart time job but its not enough to pay for everything. We (my parents / gf) talked and in the long run if I only work part time and continue with school I will be able to get a better job with a university degree rather then if I quit school now. She is in her senior yr and will graduate in June. The baby will be born at the end march and my school yr finishes in april so I will move back home then and help with the baby so she can finish school on time. Moving out once school is done really isnt an option because its expensive and I cannt work full time and go to school. I'm not sure what will happen next fall when I have to return to school. I havent thought that far a head yet, I dont want to leave her and the baby but at the same time it will be hard to do all of it (her going to univeristy too) with a baby
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 September 2011):
Both sets of parents freaked out and you find it weird, just wait 17 years and see how you like it if your daughter or son does the same. Maybe you'll freak out too.
I am not saying they are handling it well, in fact particularly your father is handling it all wrong, but, can you try being objective and see how it IS a big deal for them ?
You play Romeo and Juliet and make a baby. Good, have you got your own place to live ? Either one of you has a good steady well paid job that allows you comfortably to raise a family ? No ? then guess who's gonna have to sacrifice ther comfort and dig into their pockets. Have you got insurance ? have you got your own transportation ?
Was anybody going to college and now will have to change plans ? And what about childcare- who will be watching this child while you go to work or school , or applying for jobs ? ... Maybe your gf will be a full time stay at home mom . Nothing wrong in that unless... unless she always wanted to be a rocket scientist or a prima ballerina or a brain surgeon or whatnot, ... now it won't happen and her dad is NOT happy about it.
I say these banalities not to guilt trip you , but because I have a hunch ( maybe I watched to many episodes of "16 and pregnant ") that to trigger these extreme reactions , particularly your dad's - someone must have been giving them an attitude. Something like " hey we are young, stuff happens, shrug shrug ". While it would be more a case of " sorry dad sorry mom, we know we screwed up and disappointed you, we know this baby is going to complicate lots of things- please help us, we are young, inexperienced, scared and broke, we need all your support because no matter what we are family ".
What can you do to make it better ? Tough it out- be polite, be patient, be respectful, be responsible ( go get a job if you don't have one already )be grateful for any help they give you. And don't worry, it may be cliche' but I have seen it happen too many times to doubt it- it will change. Once the baby is here, they'll melt down like snow.
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