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Getting over my married boss

Tagged as: Age differences, Crushes, Forbidden love<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 May 2018) 5 Answers - (Newest, 3 September 2018)
A female Ireland age 18-21, anonymous writes:

I have a huge crush on my male boss who retires next week-what should I do?

He is married, 55, with grown up children. I am 31, living with my bf but he's pretty boring and things haven't been great in terms of my emotional connect with him for the last few years, after I found out from a friend that he had been sexting his ex. Before that, we had been great, great sex life, saving up to move in together (he was pushing for this, I was in no hurry).

I have worked with my boss on and off for the last 10 years. I have always felt sexual tension around him, but that could just be wishful thinking? He would do things like sitting next to me in meetings, even when others were there who he knew better/were the same seniority as him, joking with me, resting his leg against mine. At conferences, he would spend breaks talking with me, making me laugh.

He's a good guy-everyone likes him.

Last night was his leaving night out. Although I haven't been part of his work team for 2 years, he invited me along with his current team of6. Everyone left around 11pm but as I got up to go home, he sat down and asked me if I am ok, am i happy in my job, in my relationship, what can he do to help. He was sitting facing me with his legs kinda either side of my chair.

Oh my goodness how much I wanted to kiss him! But I didn't, I told him I am happy, all's good. I don't want to cheat on my bf or hurt my boss' wife and family. In the end, he asked if he could walk me home. I declined, said I would be fine. Then he looked at me and said "Come here you gorgeous woman" and gave me a tight hug. When the hug broke off, I turned away quickly as I wasn't sure I would be able to resist if he tried to kiss me. And he looked a little sad, then we waved goodbye.

One of our colleagues sent me some photos from the night today-on two, my boss has his arm around me and I have a huge goofy grin :@

In my head I am glad nothing happened, but in my heart I regret not taking the chance. I feel so sad that he retires next week. I have been crying when I think about not seeing him, spending time around him again.

I know it sounds pathetic. I know it's wrong. I know I would never act on my feelings. I know I need to be honest with my bf and address our own relationship difficulties.

But what do I do next week? When I say goodbye to my clever, competent, caring, kind, attractive boss for the last time?

Complicating factor is I will be working with his team again next month, and he has already said we will need to meet up once he has left to discuss a work project.

I am wishing that this is a sign he likes me back, and fantasise about meeting him and sleeping with him. But I know I would want more-a relationship. He is just so wonderful.sigh.

How do I deal with this?

View related questions: crush, his ex, my boss, sex life

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A male reader, Mistershred United Kingdom +, writes (3 September 2018):

Whatever happens, you should end things with your current boyfriend. It;s obvious you checked out emotionally years ago after the sexting, especially if you feel so strongly for someone else.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (13 May 2018):

femmenoir agony auntSorry, i meant to add, you're in a relationship, so you should focus on your own relationship, rather than focus on something "unattainable and wrong".

If you're having serious relational issues, then you and your partner go to professional couples counselling together, or you go separate ways, but you do not destroy, with intent, another married person's marriage.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (13 May 2018):

femmenoir agony auntAlso, i forgot to mention.

You should keep a wide berth from your boss, to the best of your ability, as you know this cannot be healthy.

Don't allow yourself to be placed in a position whereby you and he are alone, knowing full well, that this could potentially lead to a disaster waiting to happen.

It'd be a very bad and sad picture and nothing good will ever come out of an affair between a boss and his employee.

Use your logic and ignore your emotions.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (13 May 2018):

femmenoir agony auntThis is very simply solved and you've pretty much summed it all up for yourself, by all you've expressed.

You know what's going on here and you know what you'd like to happen, but guess what?!

You CANNOT and WILL NOT have this man, period!!

Your boss is a married man, with children.

You should always place yourself in the shoes of his wife and children, when these "naughty" thoughts cross your mind.

Let's reverse this situation.

You are happily married and have children and one day, you find out that a young, attractive woman really fancied your husband and really wanted him.

How would you truly feel upon finding out?

It doesn't feel very good does it?

This is "potentially" what you'd be putting his wife and family through, in the advent that they should ever find out.

Your boss, even if he has shown any interest in you, i am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but he'd never fall in love with you, or even leave his wife for you.

Most older, married men, who work alongside younger women and connect as you've both connected, would only ever be interested in a one night stand, or carry out an unhealthy affair.

These things can never lead to anything good, not to mention, you wouldn't want to be talked about and labelled, "the marriage breaker".

In the end, it's not your boss who'd look bad, but YOU and trust me, if/when his wife should confront him, he'd lay all the blame on YOU, for fear of being abandoned by his family.

Personally, i've seen it play out and happen before and for the most part, it NEVER works out and can only lead to serious heartache and pain.


All because one or both parties didn't think with their heads, but only with their hearts.

Be logical, be sensible and take the higher ground and behave like a real lady.

You set an example to yourself, your family, to your boss, to his family, to all around you.

This means, NO WICKED THOUGHTS, NO AFFAIR, NO FOOLING AROUND, NOTHING you wouldn't want your husband to do behind your back.

Think about it.

You are young and single, so you should be dating age appropriate, single men, not older, married men.

In this instance, use your moral compass and stop daydreaming about a potential disaster.

Ps. I notice that you've mentioned you're 31, yet you've got your age listed above your msg, as between 18-21.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (13 May 2018):

N91 agony auntYou sound like a smart, logical woman. You’ve identified that there’s some feelings there but also that it’s wrong and who would be hurt in the process if you acted upon it. Also detailing that it’s more important to look at your own relationship first before doing anything rash with outside sources.

Therefore I think you know what you should do next week. Say goodbye, wish him well and that be the end of it. Any further contact needs to be kept professional, work related. Decline any offers that are clearly not business minded i.e going for drinks or food. You both have partners and neither of them need to be dragged into a needless messy situation.

Just continue as you are, let the feelings pass and die down. Work on your own relationship if it’s having issues.

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