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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I've been single for nearly 5 years and am ready for a committed relationship. I feel that I have been single this long due to choice but know that I know I am ready I beginning to think I am doing something wrong. I have this tendency to crush over men and drag it out until they become unavailable and always end up in the same situation. I don't date often, thou very sociable and busy person. I come across guys that I am interested in at work, at their place of work and university. The problem I have is that the initial mutual attraction is there and then the brief introductions and subtle flirting starts, once I know that they are single and vise versa I leave it for them to them to decide whether they want to ask me out if they want to. The obvious flirting can go on for weeks and months even years. I have asked out many guys before and I've told myself that I won't do that again as they've always said no and if they are really interested then they would ask me out.I have been approached by men who hola at me in the street, directly insist on asking me out but they just do not appeal to me as I am not attracted to them and I feel that insisting on taking me out without getting to know me a bit insulting (if its done in a well mannered way, then I will not have an issue) So i am well aware that if a guy wants someone they would go out of there way to get it. How do I get pass that stage of weeks and months of getting the impression that someone is interested and then waiting for noting to happen? If a guy is interested surely he would act on it. When can girl expect to know when a guy is truly interested or when is too long to keep on hoping?I wouldn't like to say yes to every guy who shows an interest for the sake of it, id rather be single in that sense. I appreciate it that they may be in a relationship and once I know that then I am very happy to leave it at that. Otherwise if not what else would stop them from approaching me, otherwise why would they flirt? I guess I'm asking what am I supposed to recognise as a genuine interest or waste of time?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): I usually asked a girl out either right away or within days of meeting her. The idea of prolonged waiting before being asked may be just wasteful at your end.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2014): @Cindycares
You've missed my point. I'm not saying she is jumping the gun. I would have probably used those words if that was what I meant.
That totally misses my point. I hope the OP got a better understanding. I was suggesting that she not be too quick to dismiss men who don't approach her; if she never really gave them a reason or a chance to. She just assumes they're not interested; if they let all this time go by, and not approach her. She was passively letting them go; because they didn't just come to her and ask for a date. They weren't given an invitation, she simply moved on. They assumed she's not interested.
The OP did say she is dismissive of men she doesn't find particularly attractive. If her shields immediately go up, how will she ever know if the guy just might have all the qualities that she's looking for? Maybe not as a keeper; but she needs practice at dating; so she can get her feet wet, and buildup her confidence.
The only rushing is urgently expecting a relationship to manifest out of thin air ASAP; without expecting a lot of work ,and the usual frustration that comes with the process of selecting a good match. Hope that clarifies my point.
@ OP
I'm not sure how my comments were interpreted as saying you were jumping the gun. I believe you're quick to give up without actually making an attempt to follow-up to determine if a guy is interested. I hope you got a better interpretation. If there is anything you find unclear, please let me know.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. Its as if you all know me well. I am naturally a flirty person and have got into trouble about it in the past (sounds contradictory, I know). I guess like you say WiseOwlE I have become impulsive with it all and do understand that these things cant be rushed. But at the same time feeling frustrated exactly how Cindycares describes. Your comments have helped me to become more self aware and hopefully make things easier from here. Thanks
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 April 2014):
 Why would they flirt ( if they don't want a relationship with you )? ..
Because they've got time to kill, and it's better than watching TV reruns ? Because they get a ego boost, because everybody loves attention ? because they are just flirty personalities and it's sort of an ingrained habit for them ? because they are not interested in having a relationship with you, but you are still potential sex partner material, one never knows, and they keep the heat on just in case ? because ( typical and normal on dating sites ) they are flirting with several women at a time, and eventually , after a while, they decided in favour of another one ? because they come from a culture / background ( mine, for instance :) where NOT to flirt is even offensive and tantamount to telling you in your face " you are old and butt ugly and I don't even see you as a woman " ? .... These and maybe other dozen of reasons.
Flirting does not mean much, if it is not backed up PRETTY SOON by actions that show interest, it may just be an intellectual exercise of plesant, amiable banter.
For this reason, this time I don't quite get what Uncle Wise Owl means, he seems to accuse you of jumping the gun ?.... From my point of view- I'd say it's the opposite, you are way too patient and investing way too much of your time on losing propositions, if you let the flirting go on for months, and even years ! , always waiting for something to happen . I mean, of course, if you feel the same, that it's an innocuous passtime to make people feel good and nobody gets hurt, then by all means go ahead and keep flirting even for years,no problem. But if you want something less impersonal, if you want a serious relationship, or even just someone to go out with regularly, then no, don't give them all this rope, if they don't deliver the goods ( ask you out, inviting you to diner, making specific plans to see or do something together ) within a reasonable time frame ( one month ? two months ? ), then they are not really interested, they are just killing time ( and wasting yours )..
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2014): Flirting really has no meaning; if there is no friendly introduction, or an attempted connection to follow.
It's just acknowledging to another person you may find them attractive; or being a heterosexual female, you're just acknowledging the presence of a heterosexual male. Sending out unintelligible signals like blowing bubbles. Now what?
Basic message: "I'm a flirt...how do you do!" So that's the message men are getting from you. They have to know if the lights are on; if there's somebody home. Then they can try and introduce themselves. They may assume you may already be taken, or might be boring. How are they supposed to know if you're single? You do everything from a tower. Far out of reach.
How does flirting go on for weeks, let alone years? Something has to come of it. Otherwise; you're just being a fresh female who likes to tease, but that's as far as it goes.
Now here is a little dose of reality, about that comment you made that you're ready for a committed relationship.
As if it's going to just happen over-night. This type of thinking gets ladies frustrated and bitter only weeks into their "mission."
You can't just say, okay I'm ready for a commitment! Go man-shopping, and instantly someone falls in love with you. You can be open-minded, and available to make the acquaintance of available single men; and see where it goes from there. You've got to meet them first! Get to know them.
All the while, keeping a major grip on your feelings. Not go falling for the first handsome guy who can mumble your name.
You'll get frustrated and pissed-off; if you don't instantly find someone to have a relationship. That is because people nowadays tend to be impatient. Everyone wants immediate gratification or a shortcut.
Technology has turned us into spoiled babies, and we'll throw a tantrum if we don't get what we want RIGHT NOW!!! Set realistic goals. Put your experience and maturity to good use. Squash your negative attitude toward men, and project a more positive vibe.
It will take time and effort. It's not like putting a coin in a vending machine and out pops a guy ready to commit.
It's time in the trenches, girlfriend! Trial and error,
approval or elimination. Like choosing fresh produce. Inspecting apples for bruises or worm holes. That takes time. So if you want to know if he's interested? Give him time to let you know; before you kick him to the curb,and you're on to the next guy. Assuming the poor guy is wasting your time; because he doesn't immediately ask you to be his girlfriend. Maybe you're on the third or fourth date. That doesn't mean you're in a relationship. As some presume.
Love just doesn't happen on demand. It's evasive, and happens when it happens. There is no instant chemistry,
just immediate sexual-attraction. That's why one-night stands happen so easily. That comes natural. We still have very primal urges that must be met.
People are taught so many stupid unrealistic things about attraction, we expect stuff to happen like in the movies and in novels.
If it doesn't, great guys get turned away; because he didn't give you Chris Evans or Colin Farrell. Actors have scripts to read. Most poor blokes have to think on their feet. Stand up to cold-stares, or snobbish receptions. That sometimes throws us off-guard. We stumble. Instant rejection.
It's easy online. Just create a phony character and people eat it up. Women expect that same charming and seductive character when you meet in-person. Oh-oh!!!
So you have to be real, and not let fantasy get the best of you. You're not wasting time, you're rushing it! So you get bad results repeatedly.
So to bide your time, you may as well date some guys you aren't "necessarily attracted to." Just to get to know them, and test your selective-evaluation skills. To determine if you're prematurely dismissing good prospects, based solely on appearance, and not character.
I don't mean settle for losers. I mean guys who are polite, display good qualities, and show interest in you. Give them a chance. Not some blatant skirt-chaser who throws cheesy lines at you, and every other female within ten feet.
Be flattered by the attention all the same. Take it as an ego-boost. We can always use a lift to the self-esteem.
Don't let it go to your head, take compliments graciously when they are given respectfully. Don't roll your eyes; because he's "not your type." He just might be, and you don't know it yet.
Having "types' limits your prospects. Not to mention how boring and predictable they are. Every guy you like is just a cookie-cutter reproduction of the last guy.
Broaden your horizons. Check out a few exotic specimens just to hone your dating skills. They just might surprise you. Stop writing men off; because you've already got the same old rubber-stamped criteria permanently burned into your brain! The same "types" that you always breakup with.
Get used to chatting and having good conversation that isn't just centered on, or has the underlying-subtext: "I'm tired of being single and I'm desperately trying to snag a guy for a boyfriend." " So don't waste my precious time!"
Which is mostly how your conversations may be interpreted in a male's brain. So the average single guy who liked you from the beginning, quickly loses interest. "She doesn't like me at all; she's desperate, and she wants any guy who'll let her put him in shackles."
You also have to tweak your " male-flirtation evaluation technique." Actually listen to what a guy says when he is coming on to you. Assess his approach as a sincere introduction, or just another pickup line. Stay focused.
Don't be trigger-happy. Well-armed and searching your arsenal for castrating or emasculating remarks to repel him. Bitch-mode set to stun!
For some women, this is an involuntary reflex. Then they wonder what just happened?
My guess is, you are ruling out everyone's approach as a pickup line; because he doesn't bow on one knee and approach you like a princess. Get real girlfriend, I've seen it all. I've witnessed the cynicism and frustration of single-females. The signals many send out are like flying shrapnel.
If the line is cheesy, use a little humor. Give the guy a break. Don't act like a judge on the panel of one of those horrid talent competitions. Crushing his dreams and dragging him off the stage with a hook!
Just ask a guy who comes up with a sleazy line, if he doesn't think a lady of your class and quality doesn't deserve a better approach? Delicately put him on the defensive! Challenge him to present his best behavior. Test his recovery. If he comes back better, or with a cuter line. Smile, and introduce yourself.
If he can't do better than a stupid pickup-line,
he's only interested in getting you out of your clothes.
He has no "swagger." You can easily tell guys who are going from one lady to the next, using the same old line. You can hear him from across the room. Drunkenly repeating it like a little parrot. Getting turned down by one female after another. That is soooooo pathetic.
When you enter the room at a party, restaurant, social event, or a crowded gathering. Slowly search the room and notice the men who are checking you out. Edge your way over closer; so they can approach you. Then just relax. Turn on your feminine charm. Be prepared to speak. You're not posing for the paparazzi! No more empty-headed flirting!
Sister, you have to get used to going for what you want. Not just posing and profiling. Waiting for guys to acknowledge her royal grace.
They'll think you're stuck-up or a prima donna. You can be the aggressor. They will not assume you're some slut. Do it with confidence and class. That's all you have to do. If he says no, don't cave in. Practice letting it roll of your back. Guys don't turn women down flat like you do to us.
I've never seen that happen. Unless she was drunk, and had an eight-foot gorilla for a boyfriend.
Toss your silky tresses, chest out, adjust your skirt; and as sexy as you can, move on with dignity. His loss. Never allow any man or woman in the same room see defeat in your eyes. Sometimes men get intimidated by a lady with confidence. Avoid backward thinkers like that. Or maybe he has a wife or girlfriend. He just might be gay! Doesn't matter, there are other opportunities just waiting. Like I told you, it's a lengthy and trying process. It's not easy!
You have to be approachable, and sometimes you have to meet a guy halfway. You have to break the habit of waiting for guys to come to you, and all you do is flirt. That comes across as a tease, or being a little dense.
You are neither of those things.
You're a little shy and prefer to be chased. Sometimes you just have to completely change your strategy, and show more confidence as a woman. Not always try to impress guys with how picky and over-selective you are. Not approach men with an agenda; or only accept men on your mission to secure a boyfriend. You're on a manhunt; but nobody should know that but you!
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (19 April 2014):
 Flirting doesn't always = interest in a relationship.
For some flirting is JUST part of their personality. I think it's actually pretty common that some people assume if a person (specially women) flirts she isn't really interested she is just playing games and/or really liking attention. It can also be seen as insincere, depending on how good you are at it.
So if you spend a LOT of time flirting with men you see as potential dates/BF's and it gets you no where, maybe tone down the flirting. Let them see more of YOU instead of the facade (flirting). Talk to them, even if it is in passing instead of flirting/joking.
Get to know a guy. Let him see that there is more to you then flirty banter.
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