A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i have a friend who is dating an raf man. all she ever talks about is him. if he dosent text, she analyses evrything and her moods go from up to down. one minute shes crying, then if he texts shes back to normal. as i live with her, i get it all the time as does another of our friend, who dosent live with us. you can be talking to her and if he texts, she completely blanks you out but insists on talking at us even if weve got our own probs or are busy. she phones from work in tears, which isnt healthy and im trying to work myslf. our friend has 2 kids so they should be her priority, but shes always got her asking the same questions over and over and she dosent listen to anything we say. recently i cooked dinner for a group of us which i told her about and then the boyfriend booked the cinema at the same time as the meal, so she went with him instead. shes starting to really get me down where i dont feel i want to go home at all. any advice?
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (18 October 2012):
 Time to move. You can't help her because she doesn't WANT help. She was a constant pity party and that.. is just draining.
Honestly, time to let her fight her own battles.
And yes, I do feel bad for her kids.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2012): I'd move out too if I could but I've had friends like that before. It's easy enough to deal with OP you just have to stop being a major pussy. I don't know what it is about women but yee seem to tolerate this shit far too easily from friends, far too scared of hurting their feelings and perfectly willing to let your friendships fall apart because you're too scared to tell them to shut the hell up and change the record.
For example, what did you say to her about the dinner blow off? I bet you just let it slide I would have called her out on it if it mattered to me and would have told her that's the last dinner I'll make for her then because what's the point or I would have told her she owes me one for blowing me off like that. OP you've been letting far too much slide when it comes to this emotionally draining drama queen and if you think you're being nice you're wrong.
"Nice" is not letting your friendships get to the point of appeasing bad behaviours that threaten the very friendship itself. Plus by being her emotional crutch you trap her in this moaning cycle of bullshit. Everyone likes a moan every now and again and it feels good moan sometimes but there's a limit. If you let people use you as a moaning post they will form bad habits and literally tell you every annoying complaint that pops into their head, you have to set boundaries.
"she completely blanks you out but insists on talking at us even if weve got our own probs or are busy"
And what do you about that then? She wouldn't do that if you didn't let her do it OP. I'd go straight back into the conversation we were having and not let her get carried away. You sound like too much of a soft touch.
"she phones from work in tears, which isnt healthy and im trying to work myslf."
If you're busy then why are answering the phone to her? If you answer and she's crying then tell her to suck it up, life is good and you'll talk later that you're busy now.
OP she's not the one in the wrong here, you are because this is unacceptable to you and yet you let it carry on to the point where it actually gets you down, that's fucking insane, pardon my language. If a behaviour is unacceptable to you then tolerating it and saying nothing makes that behaviour your fault if you know what I mean. You don't like hearing about him, yet you sit there and let her talk about him. You don't like the teary eyed phone calls yet you answer them. You don't like being cut off mid conversation to have her talk at you yet you don't stop that.
Time to grow a bit of backbone OP and just adjust her behaviour patterns by adjusting your responses to them. You don't have to be nasty or confront her just subtly guide her into a place where it becomes clear you're not the person to burden this shit with. Or you could just explain to her how you feel, but given her erratic emotional state I vote you try subtlety first. It's very easy to adjust a person's behaviour towards you OP. People are like kids and dogs, if they shit on the floor they get no reward, so stop rewarding her for shitting on your floor.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (18 October 2012):
 Hi
I had a friend like this,fortunately I wasn't sharing a home with her! I got calls day and night but the final straw was a 3am one,after they'd had another row.
It grinds you down and its all a one way conversation. I just told her I couldn't deal with her love-life anymore especially at 3am.Then distanced myself and avoided any conversations.
If you can afford it,then start to look for someplace else to live asap,before the break-up of her relationship if possible, because that will be a nightmare.
In the meantime just do as others say,keep out of her way,end conversations by leaving the room or going to make a call.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 October 2012):
 It's probably not so easy for you to up sticks and move out (I know how hard it is to find a place in the uk at the moment)
What you need to do is start walking away from her when she begins to mention him. Pretend your phone is ringing, or you need to make a call...just say 'Oh dear, well I must get on'
She sounds as if she is suffering from a bit of depression and she is obviously clinging to this man and flips out when he doesn't give her attention.
For your own sake you need to scale down the amount of attention you give her by backing away slowly. If she asks ou why, tell her that it's a little too much drama for you to cope with and it's affecting your life.
It isn't your problem to deal with and she needs to know there is a limit to the amount of stress she can convey to her 'friends'...maybe she doesn't even know how bad she's got?
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (18 October 2012):
 Life is too short - you need to move on from her. Leave her to her dramatics.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2012): "i dont feel i want to go home at all. any advice?"
Move. Seriously, she is no friend of yours and no mother to her children, and you can't be responsible for the children of an irresponsible mother, which could very well happen if you stay in her orbit.
Unfortunately, she's made her choice and she's decided to pick the dick over her kids and friends.
Bail.
...............................
|
