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Found explicit pictures while snooping on his computer!

Tagged as: Dating, Pornography, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 December 2008) 7 Answers - (Newest, 3 January 2009)
A female Canada age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My fiance moved in a few months ago. I was snooping around on his computer and found several explicit pictures of him with other women.I am ticked off! I really didn't need to see any of that! They were is a hidden file created a few days after he moved in. I really don't want to tell him I was snooping on his computer...... However I am questioning is this someone I really want to marry???

He is good to me , really easy going etc.... Any advice. We have been dating for a year....

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A male reader, dasonras United States +, writes (3 January 2009):

The way I see it your hiding something from him and he's hiding something from you. You're meant to be! Just kidding.

Sharing a place together means sharing belongings and space. I'm not going to say that snooping on his computer was wrong. We're going to say you were using the computer and you stumbled onto something and have questions about it.

If he had it as a hidden file then he obviously was aware that he meant to keep it from you. We all have our little dirty secrets but if you feel that this is just one example of his potential dishonesty, then you need to bring it up in a non-threatening way.

I would not tell him that you snooped (i mean stumbled). But use this event as a red flag that he may be keeping other things from you. Talk about your feelings with him and see how he responds.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008):

I agree, you shouldn't have been snooping blah blah. However, you found something disturbing, in my view, and reflects a serious lack of judement. Believe you me, I am no prude. However, having electronic pictures of lovers is a bit over the top, and could potentially cause damage down the road. Do other people have these pictures?? Will they end up on someone's FACEBOOK? Yikes! Snooping isn;t the realy problem here... You've stumbled onto someone you no longer recognize. ALSO, did these women give consent to have their pictures taken? Is he selling them to porn sites? Has he taken your picture without your consent? I see BIG problems here, and maybe more snooping is justified, or simply kicking him the curb!

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A female reader, tanpopo United States +, writes (31 December 2008):

tanpopo agony aunti'll agree with everyone else here, you had no right to be snooping around. come clean about this with him. i will say though that i believe he is more wrong in this situation, no matter if you were snooping or not.

you're probably wondering when they were taken, and if they were before you met then why have them now? let him know that it makes you uncomfortable and talk calmly about it. if it was during the time you've been dating be sure to understand and let him know you understand it is a break in trust what you did, but he is also breaking trust there.

simply put, talk to him about it. know you're not innocent here, either.

oh and i will say- i would never just let something like this slide. never settle. real love doesn't hurt- doesn't cheat, etc.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008):

I have an EX-girlfriend who was snoopy. I found her going through personal files on my laptop, then she told me about going through the texts on my phone, then I dumped her. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who found it necessary to snoop on me.

I later found out she was going through my mail, included my credit card statements.

Privacy is just as important as trust, honesty and communication. I was honest about everything in our relationship that related to our relationship.

You should be open and honest with him... let him know what you've been up to and maybe the two of you can discuss boundaries.

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A male reader, PeterPan United States +, writes (31 December 2008):

PeterPan agony auntYou've opened a big can of worms here. Technically, you're between a rock and a hard place...

"Honey, I found scandalous pictures of you!"

...Really? Where?

"On your computer in a hidden file folder"

...hmm, so you are going to accuse me of breaking trust, but the same trust is OK for your to break and hunt around through my personal things... hmmm....

I'm not sure you've got much of a leg to stand on here.

I think you're just going to have to bury this one call it done. no matter what you do, there's no way to spin this so you can take the moral high-ground here. Now, if you are so inclined to look for evidence of transgressions SINCE you've been living together and (as the police call it, "probable cause"), then you might have something ...but if your BF's been on his best behavior since you've been together, let this one slide...

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A male reader, a_decent_1 India +, writes (31 December 2008):

a_decent_1 agony auntYou have "no right" to snoop like that, even if the person is your "soon to be" Husband.. Some things are PERSONAL.. He just might be waiting to tell you..!!

We all have affairs.. Don't we..? And Did he tell you he was a Virgin..? If yes, then you can question him. If not, then you can simply ask him if he had any affairs..!!

You don't have to tell him you did what you did.. !! That would drive him mad. Just ask him and judge.. !!


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A female reader, blackroses2989 United States +, writes (31 December 2008):

blackroses2989 agony auntFirst of all, are you sure that those pictures weren't taken before he met you? Second no offense I dont mean to be rude but if they were in a "hidden" file, on HIS computer and you were snooping, I think you kind of asked for it lol. Most guys have a past, as do women, so you can't be too mad at that. Now if he had cheated on you and taken the pix while he was with you I could see why you'd be upset. If he's easy going, I bet you could just tell him you were on his comp looking up something on the internet and tell him you stumbled across some pix of him and other women. He will probably tell you about them. Don't take this out on him if this was before you met him and you snooped. Stay with him. Good luck honey!

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