A
female
age
41-50,
*lexi
writes:Hi, I’m sorry if this going to be a lengthy question, I just want to give you all the facts to better explain the situation.I met my current live-in boyfriend almost 5 years ago while I was on the rebound from another relationship. I wasn't crazy about him but I really liked the way he was treating me and how persistent he was every time I tried to end it with him. Because he was still living with his parents (in the basement) I found myself going over to their house almost every weekend and every time I was there they tried to crash our date either by coming down for stupid reasons or by inviting us up there which I always refused because I was there to hang out with and better get to know my boyfriend NOT them!Eventually (3 years ago), I got really tired of going there and having my dates interrupted or being woken up at 8AM on Sundays by vacuuming or the hair dryer or by really loud phone calls with Europe (they don't understand that with digital phones you don't need to shout for the other person to hear you! lol) so I tried to kind of break up with him again by saying that I wouldn't be coming over to his place anymore so he decides he was going to move out and move into my building. When I heard this I felt bad and I also thought it was stupid for both of us to pay rent for 2 separate apartments so I suggested we get one larger 1bedroom and split the rent. He was very happy to hear this and agreed so we moved in. He was amazed at how I helped him buy furniture for the new place and always gave him money for rent/food on time or early and I always have dinner ready(in the past women never paid him rent money when he lived with someone and they didn't do anything)I taught him how to lower the interest on his debt so he can pay it off faster (he had accumulated over 65k of cc debt because of all those previous relationships) His mother was of course upset that I wouldn't want to move in with him in the basement and started telling lies like she was willing to put in the dishwasher in the kitchen downstairs etc.......This summer we planned go on a road trip which would pass through the country (where his parents have a condo) so we asked if the apartment was available and if we could use it during this specific week and his mom said yes! When his mom said yes, my boyfriend then went and bought 2 tickets to go see this band that he really likes (paid $200 for them). Now a month before our trip she told him to let me know that she decided that her, her husband and her other son and wife and their 3 kids would also be staying there during that week because the parents need to go to Europe in August and if they don’t go there they wont have time to go to the country with the kids before school starts again in Sept and that there would be enough room (I tried giving this idea a chance 2 years ago and it was a total flop! People were sleeping on the floor in the living room, the kids would wake up super early and wake up everybody as well, they would barge in on me while I was naked in the washroom getting ready for bed and start asking 1,000 questions, etc. by the end I completely broke down and really lost it (I cried harder than if I was at a funeral) .Because of this past experience, this time, I said no thanks we can get a hotel and ill pay half and we can move into the apt when they leave (which she refuses to give us a date for) and if they don't leave we will have to come back home and u can sell your tickets. Now everyone is mad at me(his mom talks about me like I'M the villain, his sister in law feels rejected because I don't want to hang out with her and her 3 feral children and he's frustrated because he feels like he’s stuck in the middle and that I’m being difficult. I think he knows his mom is a dishonest woman but doesn’t want to admit it and he’s been projecting onto me and has been treating me very badly ever since this whole ordeal started. Am I in the wrong or has this relationship just ran its course and needs to end? Thank you all so much for your time and advice!
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debt, money, moved in, sister in law Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 June 2017):
 How can they be intruding it is their home? Their basement? and their condo? Plus they have been nice to welcome you in to all off them and all you have been is ungrateful. Yes you should end this relationship and be with someone who isn't a family person.
A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (23 June 2017):
 First off, a grown man who is still living with his parents is a red flag.
Then he offers to get an apartment in YOUR building. Of all the places he could have rented he sets his sites on YOUR building. You really think this wasn't a ploy to move in with you?
This guy can't be anywhere where there isn't a woman around to take care of him. He will never be independent. NEVER.
I can understand it's annoying having his family intrude upon your couple time, but I can't entirely blame them. If a grown man wants to entertain a lady friend he can do that in HIS OWN place.
The whole point of a vacation is to reward yourself for all your hard work and sacrifice and escape your daily responsibilities. His mother should have been honest from the start, but failing that you should not even have asked about using their condo for you holiday. You know what they're like and getting stuff from them just puts you in their debt. A little foresight would have gone a long way here.
That said, I would not camp out with his sister and her brood. Not my idea of a holiday. Your position is valid, in my opinion, but your expectations of this guy are not. He's a teenager who needs a mother figure in his life. You're just a younger model who puts out.
My advice us to cut your losses and cut him loose.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2017): I don't blame you, I can't cope with my husbands family either and I'm at the point where I want to leave because of them.
If you can't be happy in this relationship because of their involvement it's best to leave all the headache and get out and find a guy who doesn't have all this in his life.
That's what I'm going to do.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (22 June 2017):
 If you have to suck it up for a week on holiday I think you should do that. Sometimes you have to give in to family matters even though they aren't ideal.
You could try and put some effort into healing this rift between you and your man's so family. If you don't you will come across as a stuck-up cow.
But, and it is a big one, if you are seriously considering ending your partnership of five years over this then I believe there must be a lot more making you dissatisfied than just the in-laws.
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A
female
reader, DancerGirl1984 +, writes (22 June 2017):
You are a very self centered, ungrateful woman and I certainly wouldn't want you as an in-law. I have no idea what this guy sees in you.
He is clearly a family man and if you plan to be with him then you must be willing to get along with his family.
Calling his sisters children feral is just disgusting. Leave this guy to find a beautiful hearted human being who will love him and his family.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2017): I have to be honest, I don't think this relationship is going to work.
Clearly you are both after different things in life, he is happy to keep his parents close and you want a relationship where you can steal your man away and have him all to yourself. This kind of relationship will never work because you both want different things.
I think you are at fault in saying they are invading YOUR privacy and being noisy upstairs because it is THEIR basement, their home and THEIR condo so you have no right to question them using their own things! Sorry to say, but you are just the girlfriend dating their son. And when you come over to their place, you are using their things not the other way round.
It sounds like you need a man who is not so glued to his parents, that way you two can live a quiet, independent life with his family at an arms length. Some people need their family more than others and it seems like he wants a girl who sees spending time with family as being just as important as spending time alone together.
It is obvious he likes being around his family and wants to spend copious amounts of time with them. And that is not going to change so you need to decided if that is what you want. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2017): You're obviously not happy with this man and his intrusive family.
And yet he wants you to mother him!
Sounds like too much stress and not enough of happy living going on.
No stress = More joy!
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