A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HiI am a male, 28. Since 7 years or so I have had a problem with erectile dysfunction. It has been creeping up and has been getting worse lately.I have had about 10 partners, all of whom I had sexual relations with. The problem is, I cannot really satisfy myself much, because of my problem. In the past i have always resorted to manual, and oral stimulation. I have now seen a woman for the past 9 months. In the first 2 months, I told her I had a problem. We tried to work around it, but I still have the problem. During this time, I would repeatedly lose my erection soon after starting to have sex of any kind (oral or vaginal). Then immediately, to save myself embarassment, and more importantly, so that she would not leave me, I would perform oral sex on her. THe problem is, I always feel left out. I always feel like a spectator at a game, and that everything revolves around her and an orgasm. I am very sad about this, because it feels to me, like with every other woman I have been, she is interested in the orgasm, and not in me.several months ago I started having emotional breakdowns after giving oral sex. We tried a vibrator then, and this upset me as well a lot because it feels like i am being replaced by a vibrator, and once again, what it revolves around is her pleasure, and an orgasm. Since a couple of months I decided that all I am going to do is vaginal sex. I last perhaps 2-3 minutes, i do not orgasm, but it is enough to me to feel close and intimate. I am sick and tired of "performing" and focussing on the other person.My girlfriend has said this is fine (a lot of her previous boyfriends would just have sex with her, and she would not orgasm anyway). But I often wonder if she is going to stay, or if I will have pressure to do all these thigns for her.The pressure to satisfy her in the past has made me an emotional wreck, more so, the feeling that everything revolves around pleasure and orgasm, instead of focussing on being close.I am wary of getting close to her. I can start using Viagra, it works somewhat, but not very well. We are currently seeing a se therapist, I am not sure how that is going to go yet. When I told her initially she was angry. She said she woould not give me oral sex. Frankly I do not care. I do not consider sex as doing someone favours, but as an opportunity to be close to someone. I don't want sex. I want to make love, and feel close to someone without feeling i have to perform.I realise some people are going to say I am selfish etc etc, but emotionally i cannot take satsifying and performing for women anymore. I would rather be on my own then. But I would like the opinion of mature women on this subject. My girlfriend is now 30. She has said things are fine as they are - but I am scared she is saying that now, and somewhere down the line she will change her mind.I am heartbroken, because I cannot satisfy sexually anymore, yet feel I am jeopordising the relaitonship, so I am scared of getting close.
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erection, heartbroken, lose my erection, oral sex, orgasm, vagina, viagra, vibrator Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): Hi thereI am very grateful for your responses. I do think it is largely (and hopefully completely) psychological. I do get erections during sleep, but most if not all the time when I wake up, they are there but just not tht strong and rigid. So I do not know if any of you can tell me if this is normal? I do get erections, but they are just not that strong.I have obviously huge anxiety regarding this issue. I believe everyone has the right to choose what they want etc, eg if my girlfriend knows she must have orgasms, that is fine, I can find someone else. I am just incredibly wary at this stage of going a long way with her, and getting dumped in the end as I feel this would destroy me. That is why I am very wary. I also think sometimes people commit to certain things which in the long term seem fine, until they have been in the situation for a while. So I am uncertain.I am doing what i can, I have spent a lot of money on it this year already. She is happy to do sex therapy, and we are abstaining for now. I know what i want. ALl I want is closeness. I am exhausted of giving from myself as I have. It feels like I am paing to be in a relationship, by supplying sexual favours for companionship, which is obviously ridiculous.She has agreed a vibrator is fine. I am perfectly happy to have the closeness etc, even with penetration, and then some relaxing, and thereafter leave her for a while. I have full understanding, and I ENCOURAGE this as the last thing I want is frustration. But she is quite sexually charged. A good thing normally but stressful for me. Also a large part of the problem is she seems sexually to be more like a guy, eg she is quickly ready for sex, whereas I do take a while to get aroused etc and be in the experience. I feel guilty letting her down, but I can actually not do the sexual deeds anymore as I am destroying myself emotionally. So we will do what we can!
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (30 July 2008):
Well you need to get your ED sorted. Have to been to the doctor to check it's not being caused by anything else? Quite often it's a symptom of something more serious.
You say you are getting therapy which is great.
As for all the sex problems you must only do what you are comfortable with. As a girl I enjoy the stoking and kissing on an intimate level as much as the rest of it. Why not just stick to that for now and she can always go off and use a vibrator when you are not in the house and not tell you about it if she gets really frustrated.
If you cut sex out of the equation for a bit then you might be able to relax about the whole thing a bit more.
Good Luck!! xx
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