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female
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anonymous
writes: About four years ago my friend Nadine introduced me to this guy she met on this online game named Nate. He's from Canada. I am from the States. We play flirted from the git-go, and would joke about messing around some day and what not. We never really made any attempt to do so though. The reason though, for me anyway, was that he just wasn't up to my standards. From what he said anyway, he was a big partyer and had slept with girl after girl. He also drank a lot, which made me uncomfy from unfortunate events occuring in my life that involved alcohol. He also was always braggin' about bein' rich and stuff. This just came across to me as snobbiness, which really is a big turn-off. So therefore, I never bothered making anything more than just a friendship. He was kinda a diary to me and I to him. I must admit I've always been attracted to him. We did become very close. I started dating a guy and lost contact with Nate. However, about 9 months later, my relationship had gone bad, and Nate caught me online one day. We seemed to REALLY hit it off this time. He said that all the things he had said about being a big partyer and stuff had actually all come to a stop about 2 years before, but that ke kept telling me them to "be cool." He admitted he isn't really that rich at all. The fact that he was dishonest kinda made me wonder. However, something about him intrigued me. Everything just went so smoothly. I still question a lot because all those years I had thought of him one way, when in essence, he says he is something else.I don't really care that he drinks. I've lightened up about that kinda thing a bit. I really don't even think he does it that much. After hearing that a lot of those things are untrue, I believe him. I opened myself up to any emotions towards him. Turns out, I honestly fell in love with him. We decided to make it a long distance relationship on about September 23 of last year (2005). We realized we had everything eachother wanted and we had gone through so much of the same things, that we understood eachother. We had both been cheated on, etc. We felt as though we could definitly trust eachother because of that mainly. We've been communicating through video conversations on msn. (mic and webcam)So it is pretty close to reality.Here's the clincher, as much as I'd love to trust him, it is wicked hard! I still can't get the image of "Nate the partyer" outta my mind. I don't want to be the "psycho paranoid girlfriend" but on the same token, I don't wanna be naive. He is coming down next month to meet me for the first time. We are going to see if there is really something there. If so, we are gunna figure out what to do about the 23 hour distance between us. I LOATHE wasting time! I often ponder if that is what this is. I think about him constantly. He has never given me any reason to worry about him showing interest in anyone else, so I can't say I have solid evidence on that. He hasn't kept his word a few times. As in saying "I'll talk to you tomorrow" and I wouldn't hear from him for a few days. Or things like "I'll be back tonight." But never show up. That does kinda drain trust, but in a slower deadly rate I think. Often times this has made me question the relationship. I like my guy to be reliable. We did take a short break. I dated another guy. That didn't work, and I just couldn't stop thinking about Nate. I don't know what he did during the break. BUT tonight, something really kinda made me wonder for the first time. Well, for starters, he is obsessed with "goin hottubbing" with a bunch of mixed company. Drinking, talkin', whatever you can do while chillin' in a hottub. That in itself has always made me uneasy. Nate...my guy...in a hottub...with girls in bikinis...drinking...miles away where I would be none the wiser. Doesn't settle well if you know what I mean. I've never said anything before, because it was always with "one girl chillin' with the rest of them." That, and I despise looking like a jealous girlfriend. I like to keep a confident, nothing gets to me image. Plus, I feel like a moron when something turns out to be nothing. Anyway, back to tonight. A bunch of them were gunna go hottubbing again and what not. For some reason, it finally got to me and I could tell my face changed. He could too obviously. He was like "What's wrong, Babe?" I just kinda shrugged and went "Haha, nothing, just entertaining bad thoughts, don't worry about it." He insisted I tell him though. He was like "Come on, out with it. You worried about something? What is it?" I was just like "You, in a hottub with chicks in bikinis drinkin' doesn't settle well with me." He was like "You have nothing to worry about, Babe. It's just Erica and LeeAnn. Erica is one of those "holier than thou touch me not" kinda girls and that doesn't interest me, and LeeAnn is a slut. I don't want either of them. You are everything I want." However, I just couldn't stop letting it get to me, even with his reassurance. He decided he didn't want to go hottubbing because it bothered me. So that's good, even though, I will never know whether he actually DID go or not. Now he just said that he, his best bud, Brian, and the two girls, LeeAnn and Erica would hang out at his house and just watch a movie.He then called Brian to set it all up. He said something to the effect of "Erica and LeeAnn wanna go hottubbing then do something afterwards. You wanna come?" It just sounded to me too much like a double date. He was chatting with Erica while talking to me. It seemed as though he had this flirty smile on his face everytime he would open her window. Of course, this just amplified my worries. He claimed he was talking to Brian too, but ya know what? I don't believe him. Why would he call Brian if he was chatting with him too? So everytime he would smile, he'd claim Brian said something funny. It wasn't a "haha" smile...it was an "I'm flirtin" smile though. I only know because, that is the smile I receive while we are flirting. I know what his "laughing at Brian" smile looks like as well. Then he read aloud something, as in mumbling to himself to better understand it I kinda way, and said "but I'd be too scared..." He and I always joked about how on dates it's best to watch scary movies cuz girls cuddle up to guys. I just imagined him typing back "Don't worry, you can just cuddle up to me." Only God knows whether or not he actually did say that though or even if that's what it was. I would say something to him and since he was focused on talking to Erica, he would have me repeat what I said. Erica has been his friend for a while now, and this is the first time I've ever worried about her. This is the first time though that anything has seemed this intimate. He kept assuring me that nothing was going to happen. That he would be back in a while and I would know nothing happened. That was 9:30pm. It is now 2:19am. The only thing I've heard from him all night is that I got a text from him at about 11 saying "Movie is gay." He told me that the girls know he is in a relationship with me, so they will just be all over Brian the whole time. That he would be on another couch all together by himself. I really don't know if I cant trust this guy. I don't wanna waste my time with someone, but I do love him. Does he sound like he has a tendency to be unfaithful? Just give me your thoughts on this one, guys.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (7 January 2006):
 This is where the online relationship gets hard. You are very far away from each other and the only contact you have is through the computer, however life like it may seem the physical aspect of the relationship is very important. He can't put his arms around you and reassure you that he would never do these things to you. In my opinion the fact that he is regularly hanging out with other girls, is not very reassuring at all. Especially when they are all hanging out half naked. The best thing I can tell you is to keep an eye out, Let him know how important it is to you that if he makes a commitmenet to email you back, he does it. And let him know that you are feeling insecure about his relationship with the hot tub girls. That is really all you can do. After he comes to visit maybe you two can figure away to bridge the gap in the distance and will be able to form a relationship that you can have more confidence in. If you don't feel like that is a good option, you could always ditch the online guy and find someone closer, that way you know what he is up to. Good luck.
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