A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was planning to move away 150m to start a life with the man I have been in a relationship for 2 1/2yrs(we also have a son).My ex (we were together for 9yrs,started dating when I was 17) and I met to make arrangments with our 2 children. We ended up hanging out all night and having sex. And we have been ever since. In the last 4 years that my ex and I have been apart I have made several attempts..(until I met the man I am with now) to try and reconcile our relationship. I love him with all my heart more than I could love anyone else, but he has given me the cold shoulder til now?? He has always known how I feel about him( I want to marry him!!) He says now after we've been having sex, that he wants to be in love with me again, but just does not feel it now, but maybe he will one day??? Is he scared(our relationship ended badly) or is he just using me(he has not had sex with anyone else for over a year) We spend a lot of time together..we go shopping, out to dinner, he took me to a concert.. but he talks to other women. I want to be with him.. I want my family back, what should I do? Is there a chance for us?
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male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (20 February 2009):
 If I followed all this, you've got two different fathers for three children. You are literally stuck between a rock and a hard place here... but let's see if I can help sort some of this out...
I'm going to guess that your ex saw that there was a finality to your relationship if you told him that you were going to move and take the common children between you with you on your 150 mile move. I suspect that this was his wake-up call to do something or loose you forever. While I can see this being the spark that finally got him to move, I'm dubious of somebody that says that he's not ready to completely commit to you. Waiting for him to fall in love with you would be a bad idea... what if he never comes around or wants to make that marriage commitment that you want him to do? I'm not necessarily sure that he's using you, but he's definitely not making any kind of commitment to be with you. It's kind of like running the race, but coming to a complete stop before making the final commitments that would show that he won the race (ie. being more than friend and sex partner). And yes, it's possible that the way the relationship ended before is riding on his mind. I would ask you that whatever it was that caused that breakup then, have those issues been resolved now?
But what about the first guy that you were ready to move for -- again, you've got a child between you. Is he ready to make a commitment to you? Is that what you want most -- a marriage commitment? How is he going to feel if/when he finds out that you're going back to your ex?
I think the bottom line here is that you have only one "most important" issue here: do what will make you happiest. Put yourself ahead of any other choice... except for children -- you have to factor in their best interests for them into your choice as well. Facing the choices you've said here, the one thing I know that I wouldn't be doing immediately would be moving.
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