A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend had one wife and three girlfriends, all of whom cheated on him. He is hard to reach emotionally sometimes and I think he is guarded due to these past experiences. I have told him I am not them. I was thinking. Does it seem odd ALL of them cheated on him? I am wondering if he has some sort of character flaw or did something to cause the cheating? I am not saying he deserved it or it was right of them to cheat. Just wondering if he was distant towards them or not carrying his weight in the relationships? It just seems odd that so many women cheated on him. Almost pattern behaviour. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Lraina  +, writes (21 December 2015):
I have been cheated on by every man I had ever dated. I tend to date sweet nerdy guys who you would expect not to do that but they all have.
Could I tell you why? Nope, I have no idea.
When I get into a relationship I go all in, I fall hard and fast and just want to make them happy, spend time with them, and have fun.
It just happens and it is not his fault.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2015): Hi Ciar. I am the OP.Why would he lie to me and tell me all of these exes cheated on him if they didn't?He did not volunteer the information himself. I had to ask him about it as I brought up the subject of past relationships.He did not voluntarily go off on some "woe is me" tirade.But he seems to be the kind of guy who likes a solid and stable and boring woman in a long term relationship but loves the troubled and emotionally volatile woman like me when it comes to the excitement factor. He usually cannot get both in the same person though.He also likes sexually aggressive women like me. Perhaps that is why his "type" has cheated on him before?But I am not like them.I am a good girl with a naughty side but good girl nonetheless.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (19 December 2015):
 OP, you're assuming they have cheated. That everything he says about them is true and accurate. You have nothing but the say so of a bitter, angry man who, CLEARLY, has an axe to grind with women.
I'm sure he's not an asshole ALL of the time because you're right, if he were he'd have been easier to spot and avoid.
I don't believe all these women cheated on him. It's possible that none of them did. No one here, including you, knows for sure.
My point is to be cautious about believing in a man who claims every women before you has cheated on him. It's just as fishy as a woman who claims every ex abused her.
Fishy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2015): I was in a relationship with a man who had been cheated on by his ex wife. This made him incredibly bitter and negative towards women. I can understand that being cheated on is heartbreaking, I've been cheated on by the father of my kids and I was hurt for a long time. But I didn't carry on the view that all men are the same.
This man who had been cheated on constantly accused me of doing the same, I didn't even think or even look at other guys but he still accused me all of the time. He told me that he had been cheated on by everybody. I think he would argue until he was blue in the face that I was a cheat.
After we split up I was chatting to one of his friends when I bumped into him on a night out and he told me that my ex went on Facebook and made a status saying that I was a cheating b****. His friend told me that he does the same thing to every girlfriend he ever has.
Do you think that maybe he's so bitter about women he's telling you these things because he is paranoid and they actually didn't do anything.
Some men even accuse women so much that they end up just doing it and leaving them for somebody else.
I bear in mind though that some women have a string of abusive boyfriends, it doesn't mean they act in a way that would make somebody abuse them, but it does show that they are attracted to terrible people and stay in bad relationships.
Would you cheat on him just because he is distant? I doubt it so maybe he has just been with a lot of people who simply aren't very nice.
He didn't deserve to be cheated on and if these women did cheat then that's more of a flaw in their characters not his. Forget about his relationships from the past and if you are happy together don't try and analyse the past.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2015): It's the OP.
Interesting opinions and viewpoints. Thank you all for weighing in.
Ciar, NO that was not me who wrote in about her boyfriend calling his exes bitches and whores.
I don't agree. My BF isn't an asshole. Sure we have up's and down's like most but if he was really an asshole, I doubt I would still be with him almost 3 years later. And I have never once thought about cheating on him even when he has had his moments. We all have our moments.
And because other women cheated on him doesn't make him an asshole. They are, after all, the ones who made the decision to cheat. And the girlfriends he talks about were in his teenage years so I would not count those as teenaged boys and girls are unpredictable. And he said the wife who cheated was an alcoholic.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (18 December 2015):
It is odd and a potential red flag.
It suggests to me that either he is drawn to troubled women or, FAR MORE LIKELY, scapegoats women for all of his failures. Accusing them of some wrong doing allows him to avoid looking at his own.
Did you write in the other day about your boyfriend referring to all of his exes as bitches and whores? I seem to recall something like that. If that was you then this would be further evidence to support my theory.
His failures in life are the result of his attitude and his choices, not the other way round. In other words, he's had troubled relationship because he's an asshole. He's not an asshole because he's had troubled relationships.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 December 2015):
 Not to sound like a total negative Nancy, but...
I do think it's odd too. And I would actually take it with a grain of salt in the beginning. Specially since you ONLY know HIS version.
It's not the first time I have seen & read of people (both guys and gals) who claimed ALL their exes cheated in a way to manipulate the new relationship and partner. 1. In hopes it will make a new partner be a staunch ANTI-cheat person *I'd NEVER do that!* And 2. for the "woe is me" effect. To make the newest partner feel a little sorry for him, and thus bending over backwards to show him she isn't like the others.
Now it MAY very well be true, and if it is, well HE didn't MAKE them pull down their knickers and cheat. They ALL could have left when they started catching feeling or wanted to be with someone else... So if it is true I wouldn't "blame" him for it. Though IF he is a very emotionally closed person it CAN be that these woman looked elsewhere for attention, affection etc. Again, NOT his fault per se, they COULD and SHOULD have ended it with him, if they didn't feel fulfilled.
And if it is true, I would think him rather unlucky in picking partners and maybe... that is because he dated a "type" rather then finding a woman with the same values as himself.
It can be VERY hard to date someone who was cheated on before, because they seem to "sit and wait" for the other shoe to drop (meaning, being cheated on again) and it can manifest itself in controlling behavior, insecurities, distrust and doubt. SO a person might use past "bad" behaviors of an ex to justify going through your phone, tell you what you can wear out, constantly want to know where you are and whom you are with, accuse YOU of cheating etc. And basically... ruining the relationship THEMSELVES by having the expectations that ALL wo(men) will cheat. Making the partner constantly be on the defensive. And that... is toxic and unhealthy.
So I'd make a point to him that you are you, and to not judge you by what his exes did. YOU are NOT responsible for THEIR actions. Nor will you "compete" with some past ghosts who did him wrong. And if he can't separate that, maybe to not date him. Again IF it's true that they all cheated and he isn't over it, maybe he really NEEDS to take time to seek help for it, because YOU can't fix that for him.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (18 December 2015):
 You ask has he:"Some sort of character flaw or did something to cause the cheating?" and, "Wondering if he was distant towards them or not carrying his weight in the relationships?
How can we ever know? You know him better than us.
And at any rate will it affect how you relate to him or will you carry on just the way you are?
Sometimes men and women go for a certain type. Perhaps he has now learned a lesson, and has found someone who won't cheat on him - you.
If he has grown a protective skin to save himself from more hurt then this may never leave him. Only time will tell.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 December 2015):
 Yes, it's odd, and to me that says a lot about his ability to pick out women. That he goes for the same type of woman over and over. You know how they say an abused woman is far more likely to end up in a new abusive relationship, than someone who hasn't been abused ever? They send out signals, and they are poor at reading signals as well. It creates a pattern. Your boyfriend has probably been sending out signals that he's someone who has been cheated on before, and then he falls into the same traps over and over because he doesn't learn from his mistakes in choosing women.
Maybe he just got lucky to be with you, who's not going to cheat on him. Or who knows, maybe you've cheated in your past and he's just repeating the cycle by choosing yet another cheater. Lets hope you are a decent person who ends the relationship before you turn to the next person, unlike his exes. No matter if he didn't pull his weight in the relationship, or what not, cheating is NEVER justified. Cheating is cowardice. It means you'd rather not be in a relationship, but are too afraid to actually end it. It reflects solely on the cheater, not on the person being cheated on. No one ever deserves being cheated on, as that's the worst betrayal there is.
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