A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Over the last few months I've become pretty good friends with this guy. We spend a lot of time together, talk on Facebook all the time, have a ton in common, and really "click." Both of us are quite shy and awkward, and I feel a lot more comfortable with him than I do with a lot of other people; we can spend hours talking about nothing at all, just being silly.I've had a crush on him for quite a while and thought there was a good chance of him feeling the same. All of our friends teased us about being a "couple" or were always asking if we were dating yet. And yet nothing happened between us. I came close to kissing him several times, and didn't. Then recently, after I got tired of feeling confused and frustrated all the time, I just asked him what he wanted and if I was bothering him with my attention. (I also may have used the phrase "are you ever going to let me kiss you?") He replied that I was being "too romantic" and "I'm not looking for a girlfriend right now, but that doesn't mean you bother me or that I want you to go away."This was about a week ago and rather than being weird, things between us have seemingly gone right back to the way they were before. He does not seem to feel the least bit awkward, at least that I can tell. He talks to me and we tease each other and do stuff just like nothing happened. In fact he's initiating contact more often than he used to. I have no idea what's going on. Probably ought to mention that I don't think he's ever had a girlfriend before, he's not your typical girl-crazy 19-year-old boy at all. (I've never had a boyfriend, either. Been asked out a number of times but wasn't interested in having a boyfriend until now - it's not that I'm ugly/fat or anything.) When it comes to being physical he is extremely polite, the polar opposite of the guy who just wants to get in your pants; most of the physical contact between us (hugging, etc) has been initiated by me because he seems to be very shy about touching, but he also doesn't seem to mind a bit when I hug/tickle/touch him. Also, I probably ought to mention that he's definitely on the odd side when it comes to interacting with people. He's just so quiet, and he takes "breaks" from people, although he's never taken a break from me. I have no way of guessing what goes on in his head when it comes to interpersonal relationships.So for the last few days, I've been thinking he meant "I'm not into you that way, but I like you as a friend." This is still probably the most likely thing that's going on, I know, but a couple of my other guy friends who know us both have weighed in on the situation, and what they say makes me wonder if I'm right. One friend just says "maybe he's gay," and while that's definitely a possibility, I've spent enough time with him and talked with him enough that I really don't get the impression he's gay. I could be wrong, it's just a gut-level thing, but my instincts tend to be pretty good on these this stuff and I get the feeling he's into girls. The other friend thinks he's not gay, just repressed and scared of making a move. This seems to me like it could be very much in line with his personality. Apparently, he's also told yet another friend, who asked him why he hadn't asked me out yet, that he does like me, but "doesn't know me well enough yet." Considering how much we've hung out and talked over the last few months I don't know if he meant that or was only making an excuse. With him, I could see it going either way.So in your opinion, what is going on here? One part of me thinks, "what 19-year-old guy who liked a girl would turn her down if she told him she was interested?" He's not really a typical guy though and I have no way of guessing what's going on in his head. His actions and the things he says are not adding up to make complete sense and I am still confused. Any possible insights would be appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
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female
reader, whatarewegonnado_withthemboys +, writes (10 April 2012):
 hii, there...
well, there's a chance that he means exactly what he said--"i'm not looking for a girlfriend right now." sure, there are times when guys DO use that to mean, "i'm not into you," because believe me, i've been told that quite a few times. buuut then again, i've also had guys say that to me and mean that they seriously weren't looking for a girlfriend...and then, when they were ready, i wound up being the girlfriend that they decided they were looking for.
i can't say FOR SURE what he meant when he said that, buuut really, i think you should kind of prepare yourself for it to go either way. basically, there's about a fifty-fifty chance that he could mean, "i don't want a relationship right now," or that he could mean, "i don't want a relationship with you." just kind of wait it out and see what happens. and remember--"what's meant to be will always find a way." ")
good luck, and God bless,
~sarsar~
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2012): Actually I have to disagree with HoneyPie on this one. It means exactly what you think it means OP.
"I'm not looking for a girlfriend right now, but that doesn't mean you bother me or that I want you to go away." Is pretty damn clear really. He's not interested in you in that way. Definitely not interested enough anyway.
You see what he said to your friend could have just been a brush off in a gentle way because he knew it would get back to you. You see everything he says, tells me he's not willing to shut the door completely on you. But it's very obvious he's just not that into you. He's not giving you a definitive no because he either doesn't want to hurt you and lose you as a friend or he's "trying" to like you. Can see you get on well and maybe could be good together and perhaps he's hoping he can grow to like to you more. That's not going to happen.
You see the personality type you describe may be a shy reserved type of guy but come on, if he liked you as more than just a friend would he really have passed up you handing yourself to him on a plate?
He more than knows you well enough.
Now there is this small chance that he's just so painfully shy and crazily insecure that he's just far too scared to date anyone. Well in that case he's not datable OP. If he really is that type of guy then he's not relationship material and you can hope, wait, pray and all those things that he will change and come out of his shell but people like that usually don't, plus dating a person like that is hell.
I know that kind of guy looks great in the movies and in those that "type" of guy is really a strong, dominant yet caring, sensitive individual that just needs to find a woman like you to help him out of his shell. But the reality is guys like that are a chore, they never have the balls to take what they want, they're always unsure of you and your relationship because they're unsure of themselves, they never have the balls to tell you what they really feel so you always be guessing what's in their head, the feelings of inadequacy usually linger, they're very prone to jealousy and often feel inferior to more dominant types of male. Combine all those things with the fact he'll probably be very closed off and reluctant to open up and you have the perfect mix for a relationship of crushing frustration.
A guy who can't handle a woman liking and says she's being too romantic when she asks if her attention is bothering him is either not interested or so inept that he's incapable of giving you what you want.
Look OP when all is said and done, you basically said to him "take me, I want you" and his response was "woah woman, hold your horses there, I'm flattered but no thanks."
You can keep reading all the little signs you want, talk to as many guys as possible to figure him out, but the only question you need to ask your guy friends is this "If a girl you liked asked you to kiss her and offered herself up to you what would you do?" I think you know what they'd say.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 April 2012):
 I think it means :
I'm not looking for a girlfriend right now. So he might want to hang out but he doesn't want all the relationship stuff. My suggestion is this, if you do like him I would not do the friendship thing, unless you can "just" be friends with him.
It could also jsut be a polite I'm not into you brush off.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2012): I think if you really like this guy you should let him know you are interested in a romantic relationship with him when and if he is every ready, let him know you will continue to be friends with him , then start dating other guys. If he really likes you in a romantic way he will make the move when he is ready. Good Luck!
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