A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im in my mid twenties and I am seriously dating this guy for 5 going on 6 years.We have been dating only each other, no one else. We are both from the same area in the same state. We did our first two years living in different cities two hours apart. The next two years we have lived together in same city obviously. Since last year he moved to another state 1500miles away to go get a doctorate degree. Our state you cant get one. I tried moving down with him but i was finishing my bachelors degree and I couldn't get it to work out. Since then we text and skype and call and everything. It'll be two years he's been down there this coming may.I have brought up the topic of engagement.we have talked about it in past and we both want it but he wants to wait until after college. This was before he decided to get a doctorate. I can wait as long as he proposes in the meantime. He hasn't. He has different views on engagement than I. He thinks its ridiculous. But he wants marriage and kids. Anyways I have a job with my degree n he came to visit once n we talked about it. We talked about it before during the summer and now its November.I brought it up again expressing how serious this is n how I feel . I told him my friends are saying to give him an ultimatum but I told him I dont want to do that because I dont want to force him into something hes not ready. But I dont understand how he isn't ready when its been 6 years . He told me that he knows I'll never leave him which made me mad because I'm not a guarantee although i understood where he was coming from. But you would think he would do everything to make me happy. So now we never mention it. What upsets me most too is that he spends big money on technology n gadgets but he cant spend it on a cheap ring. I havent mentioned this observation to him but I really want to. When we talked last about it he said now that hes on his second year in degree that he feels more comfortable of proposing because he knows where hes going n that I have a career of what im doing. Since he's in second year its the hardest year of the degree. Ive told him numerous times thAt I won't wait forever. Hes got two more years left. Anyways what should I do? Ultimatum? Dump him? Talk to him again? I really do believe in us but 1500 miles is way too far n we hardly talk now as it is because we are super busy n now hes stsrting summer school. So now ill never see him. N he doesnt seem like he wants to try as much either. Like I suggested we read a book together n he denied it. Next thing I know he has enough time to read a book for fun.. idk ! I know a ring is materialistic n its no guarantee but its symbolic n means something to me n for a guy to propose it shows commitment that he really is tsking this seriously. Actions speak louder than words
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2015): Yes I understand and agree my point that I was trying to ask myself is that no matter how many times we talk n he explains his reasoning why hes not ready I just leave thinking we have been together for 6 happy long not always easy long years how can he not be ready to take the next step forward to engagement. Like I said actions speak louder n now that hes 1500 miles apart. Its a little harder than it was before n it stsrting to make me doubt us sometimes. Just bcuz I let him know that if this relationship isnt going to continue towards the Lon haul that he needs to let me know so we are not wasting time.
And I guess I feel a little pressure because im on a biological clock bcuz I want to have kids and more than one. n the older u get the harder or more difficult it is i hear.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 February 2015):
 You don't need a ring to get engaged or married
or a wedding.
you need two willing people
a court house and a marriage license.
Actions speak louder than words you are correct.
You two have different time tables and that's not going to change.
IF you issue an ultimatum and he agrees... you will always wonder if it was because he wanted you or because he felt cornered.
BTW you do not issue an ultimatum in hopes of getting what you want.
What you do is figure out what your bottom line is and let him know. Then you stick to it.
My bottom line has always been "until I can't take any more then I'll let you know" I did this recently with my husband. He crossed my line and he had a huge choice to make... I did not issue the "ultimatum" in hopes of getting him to do what I wanted. I issued it as a condition of my being with him. HE KNEW I was serious and HE made the CHOICE to comply with my ultimatum. I did not expect him to therefore I had to totally revamp my plans.
IF you plan to issue an ultimatum "get engaged or else" then when he says NO what will you do? IF you don't leave you have nO power.
IF he agrees he could keep you engaged for two more years than break it and walk away from you no harm no foul.
IF you want more from this man than he can give or is willing to give then you leave. Once you leave he may change his mind. My first husband did. I ended it with him because I wanted to get married. He was not moving in that direction so I ended the relationship. No ultimatum.. did not care... he proposed within a week and married me 6 weeks later... we had two children and a lovely life before the very civil divorce.
I suggest you do what YOU need to do to take care of you. IF he follows along great.. if not... then he was never the right guy in the first place.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 February 2015):
 What is the rush? Yes, you spent 2 years in a dating relationship as well as 4 LDR years. You also started out young with very clear priorities and goals.
He's trying to get his doctorate. Why does he need to propose to you now, except that you're trying to "claim" him and feel that once he's succeeded, he'll drop you?
Don't use an ultimatum. What good will that do? He'll ignore it, and then you'll have to either follow through or look like you threw a tantrum.
You could lose him. This is about timing. He wants to not put the cart before the horse in terms of his priorities.
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