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Does anyone have any experience of feeling "numb" after a relationship?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 October 2016) 5 Answers - (Newest, 28 October 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, *ngel delight writes:

About 2 weeks ago my boyfriend dumped me. We had been together one year and friends for 3. Everything was great in our relationship, we had lots in common and planned to spend the rest of our lives with each other.

2 weeks before we broke up we started arguing about me trusting him. I am quite an insecure person(which I'm working on) and my best friend at the time was causing problems and saying things to make me think my boyfriend was cheating on me. Within the final weeks we spoke and he said he needed 2 weeks space and that there was still something there and he couldn't imagine his life without me. He wanted to stay in touch in those 2 weeks though, so we did. But the issues continued to simmer under the surface and 2 weeks later he dumped me.

I have been speaking to him since this happened and he tells me that the last two weeks of our relationship made him feel numb. He was interested in our relationship and loved me but he could not take anymore of the arguing and I didn't see that and it was awful for him. He also now seems bothered about a male friend I have had for 12 years who I had a 6 week relationship with 12 years ago and am still friends with and in contact with. I went out for lunch with this friend a couple of days after my boyfriend dumped me. He told me it was irrelevant now but that I had never told him I had been in a relationship with this guy?? Why is he thinking about these things and why is he even bringing it up?

Does anyone have any experience of feeling "numb" after a relationship? Do people like this ever start to miss what they let go? How long does it take? Will he start to remember all the good times in the 12 months we spent together? Is he just burying his head in the sand?

Positive replies only please. I don't need to be told how I should just move on etc.....

View related questions: best friend, broke up, insecure, move on

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (28 October 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntIt seems strange to me why your friend would lie to you? Are you sure your friend was not genuine? Maybe talk to her and ask her why she felt the need to make you believe he was cheating. It seems coincidence that just after this he actually did break up with you. He told you he needed space. Then he started asking about a friend and why you never told him you where involved with him, it sounds like he may be trying to pass the blame over to you. Either he was cheating, or else you where always accusing him so much that he could not deal with it anymore.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2016):

Hi OP.

I find it really strange that only two weeks before you broke up you argued about you not trusting him. So, there were never any other times during your entire 1 year plus relationship that you accused him of cheating on you? This has not been an ongoing issue? It just popped up two weeks before he left you? Just seems he bailed ship pretty quickly. Not all guys would bail this quick after a year together with a woman they truly loved. He surely has a very short fuse and did not seem to want to work with you to help you resolve these issues and give this relationship a fighting chance. So, what does this say about HIM?

So, please don't blame yourself, ok? He bailed on you at the first sign of hardship. Relationships are all about working through those hardships together. Maybe you would have sailed through the stormy waters, with his help and support. Some people with trust issues need more understanding and compromise and their heart may be in the right place. They may be willing to change and with some help from their partner, feel reassured. Trust issues often stem from something our partner is doing. Whether we realize it consciously or it's more intuitive. Unless you have had trust issues in the past and have been cheated on, then perhaps there is a reason you argued with him about his loyalty to you? Instead, he deems you and the history you have shared together as not worth it. So, what does that truly say about his feelings for you? The fact he bailed only 2 weeks after you hit a rough patch? Was he looking for an out? And you just gave it him? OP, what is the possibility that he actually WAS cheating on you and rather than fight about it and have you find out, he took the easy out you gave him? He just might have someone else right now. It's a possibility I'd like to point out. I mean, maybe you were actually RIGHT?

Also, he has no right telling you who to be friends with. He was not much of a friend or boyfriend. Continue your friendships as he has no say in what you do. Especially not now.

He is numb? Hmmmm. Not so sure I believe that. It seems like a convenient word to use under the circumstances. A man who really loved you would not be numb. Not at losing you. He'd be devastated. And nor would he put himself through the possibility of feeling numb by leaving you. That would be too devastating too.

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A female reader, Angel delight United Kingdom +, writes (27 October 2016):

Angel delight is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for all the helpful replies. I've decided to give him his space and work on my issues and start enjoying life again.

I sent him a text saying I was sorry I hurt him and he replied saying that he was sorry back and hadn't wanted any of this (the break up, not speaking etc) so i'll see what happens. but first and foremost I need to get strong again!

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A female reader, singinbluebird United States + , writes (27 October 2016):

singinbluebird agony auntPeople only miss an ex if the good outweighed the bad. You stated everything was great but I dont think so because he just dumped you! Sweetheart, your insecurity drove him away. Listen to him when he tells you hes tired of it. Tired of being accused and put down. I know Id dump a man as fast as a bullet if I sensed any insecurity or awful jealousy/possessiveness and on top of that, him accusing me of stuff I never even think to do. He feels numb because hes tired of all the confusion, fighting and it sounds like hes emotionally exhausted from being with you.

My advice is BACK OFF. Let him cool down. Start shifting your focus on yourself and tackling those inner issues you have. This is a good time for you to take time for yourself and seek therapy or some help for your insecurities. This isnt about him anymore because if you hope to have another relationship in the future, you must enter it with confidence, fun, and something to offer to your man, not accuse him.

Good luck

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (27 October 2016):

N91 agony auntI'm pretty sure he will miss you yes, but some people just can't deal with the agro that comes with not being trusted. I have many friends who are in on/off relationships and I really lose track of whether they're single or not because they're always breaking up for silly reasons.

Some people on the other hand, like you're ex, don't operate like this and the first sign of red flags they end the relationship and look to move on. I think he's hurting just as much as you are but you can't expect him to stick around when you're making him feel like he's doing something wrong if he isn't.

Until you've got your trust issues in check I think it would be a good idea to remain single and cut contact with your ex.

I think he's concerned about the other male friend because he may think you're using that guy to get over your ex which will hurt him because obviously he still has feelings for you and it's never nice to see someone you care about with someone else.

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