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Is my brother in law attracted to me?

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 October 2016) 5 Answers - (Newest, 28 October 2016)
A female Ireland age 22-25, *rgos1 writes:

I've known "BIL" (long term bfs brother) through a friend for a long time but we've never got to properly know each other as I'm quite shy but I have became more outgoing through the years. I also think this is to do with his wife as she is very possessive but with good reason as he is flirty and has been suspected to stray before. He used to say sexual/suggestive remarks but it was always in front of people and taken very lightly as a joke. Some time after i got together with his younger brother and the comments and such died down. At one point an argument between my bf and BIL happened which ended up with my bf slating his wife and BIL telling my bf that I am too young for him and that I would soon leave him for someone younger (my bf is 7years older than me). This led me to believe that he really didn't like me. About 6 months later everyone was getting along again and he told my bf that I'm alright and that I have "grown up" and then I started to notice I'd catch him looking at me quite often (my bf has noticed this too). I'd get a feeling he was looking at me through my peripheral vision and on the occasion I had the courage to glance and check he would have his eyes locked on mine and one time I can remember he had a very intense look in his eyes with his tongue in the corner of his mouth. I would always avert my eyes straight away as I daren't keep looking at him. Also when he'd borrow a lighter or something and was passing it back if our fingers were touching he'd hold it there for a good couple of seconds which I always found a bit unusual. I'm not going to lie, ive started to find him very sexually attractive. Anyway, after another fallout about an unrelated topic everyone was beginning to speak again but this time I am trying to be a lot more outgoing and talkative towards him as he is the only person in the family I've not really got to know.  I could tell he was trying to make more of an effort with me too but he has gone a bit quiet with me now. I'm struggling to see if he's just talking to be polite or if there is possibly an attraction on his side too. When we speak he holds very steady eye contact. I still catch him looking at me from across the room and when I catch him he looks away smiling doing a little shake of his head. But when he walks past me he looks down like he's trying to avoid me. When we were all having a drink there was a huge space on the sofa between me and my other SIL but he chose to squeeze on the side next to her instead which made me feel a bit awkward. He literally never sits near me lol. He's always glancing at me and hes always friendly and his body language reads well as he has his feet pointed in my direction alot but other times when he's avoiding me I feel like he really dislikes me. Oh and he still does the extended finger contact when passing me something. He's very outgoing and can speak to anyone so I don't get why he talks to me so much less.

Do you think he hates me or likes me because I honestly just don't know with this one.

View related questions: flirt, shy

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A female reader, MartiJJ United Kingdom +, writes (28 October 2016):

MartiJJ agony auntI've had some experience with this, at a family function of my then Fiancé's family, we entered and greeted the various family members with the usual hugs and cheek kisses, however Fiancé's recently divorced half brother planted the softest most sexual kiss on my cheek, using the fact that my Fiancé was distracted to his advantage, however I love my now husband so this act by his half brother made my skin crawl, I pretended it didn't even register and moved on to greet the next family member as is the norm in these situations, however felt the half brothers, stare on me on more than one occasion throughout the night but again ignored him as I was aware of his true motives, an attempt to 'use' me to get to my Husband whom he has resentment towards for something that happened when they were young! It didn't work, I simply told Husband that I could see why he didn't get on with his half brother, because he was a bit of a Wally!

Could this be you BIL true motivation ? Is he simply hoping to get to you in a bid to hurt his brother your boyfriend. It seems to be working, are you going to be that easily manipulated ?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2016):

He's having fun playing you. Stirring you up with the lingering finger touching and prolonged eye contact. He knows exactly what he's doing to you. Including when he ignores you. He can see you're taking the bait and are interested. He's got you dangling from the end of his line and will probably reel you in when he's good and ready. You sound very ready to indulge in extra curricular sex with your boyfriend's brother. This is playing with fire indeed.

An extra word of warning. Men who use piercing eye contact with women will often be bad news. He is already that evidently, but men who use this (I have read) are looking at you as if you are their prey. They look at women in this way. Not necessarily as people with feelings and rights, but something to be conquered. If you succumb to him, he also sounds as if he might be the sort of man who could brag to his brother about making you a conquest. Or he may blackmail you with the fact that you have slept with him. Demanding more from you sexually than you want to give, but threatening to tell your boyfriend if you don't.

I know this is all speculation on my part, but these consequences don't seem to have occurred to you. I hardly think he is a decent, respectable person. But as you are obviously thinking about sleeping with him, neither are you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2016):

Wise Owl has got it right.

This creep is playing push-pull. It's deliberate on his part. Make no mistake. He is trying to see if you are going to play his game. If he is going to be successful into luring you into bed. It's a mating dance at this point. The married guy who I had an affair with pulled the same stunt on me. And I fell for it being the young and naïve girl that I was. And it turned out to be a big mistake. You, on the other hand, don't have to.

He HAS a wife. One that is right to be possessive of him because he is a cheating PIG with a wandering eye. One who will add you to his list of conquests and throw you away like a piece of shit once he's done getting his rocks off. He has game. And he has played it before. Guaranteed. You aren't his first and you won't be his last. When the shit hits the fan - it will - and you are playing not with just fire, but with wild fire, he is going to throw you under the bus to his wife. You will take the hit. He will blame you for his actions. Say you seduced him. And you are going to look like a wh^re. His wife is going to lash out at you. You will be the laughing stock of the entire family. And your reputation will be ruined. Not only that but you will have broken your bf's heart and destroyed his trust and his family's trust in you. Clearly you are not very serious about a future with your boyfriend. You are walking a very thin line, not only with him but with his family.

You need to start thinking straight. First, don't think you are special. This man will try it on with any female who is half decent and responsive to his advances. He has done it before. And will do it again. You are just receptive and potentially willing to fu ck him. Of course he will take the opportunity if given to him on a silver platter. Looks like you are that easy. And trust me, there are many other women who would also be that easy. If you think this boosts your ego and makes you feel beautiful and above everyone else, you are dead wrong. Guys will sniff around most women if they can dip their dick into them. So get that straight. Second, he has a wife. Who is already having a hard enough time with his disrespectful and piggish behaviour. How would you like your bf or husband to be behaving like this with other floozies right underneath your nose? It is tough to handle. I am sure she cries herself to sleep at night. Worried sick. But she loves him. You see that? His wife LOVES him to put up with that behaviour. So, have some respect. Have a little compassion. Do not destroy another woman to have a cheap, brief sexual romp with a morally bankrupt, self serving married man who likely has other females on his roster. And likely will expose you to STI's. He is laughing at you. He is the one getting the ego boost. You see that? He knows he can land you. And you are playing right into his hand. Cheapening yourself. And making yourself look bad, weak, insecure, and desperate. Is that the way you are? You will destroy you bf with your behaviour. Men have a very hard time when their women sleep with other men. You could not hit him lower than that. You would be destroying his self esteem and it would hurt him badly. Add insult to injury that you are fu cking his brother, and there is nothing worse. You are going to cause a deep rift between two family members which you could have avoided by acting sensibly, responsibly, compassionately and most of all unselfishly.

Do the right thing. Stay away from him and act cool. And do not return his flirtatious advances or play his game. Cut him off. End the game he is playing. Do you not see? You hold the power. Not him. You are the one who tells him to stop. No chance buddy. I am TOO good for you. I do not want to be one of your cheap wh^res. Get your thrills elsewhere. I am worth more than a quick, cheap fu ck. I have character and much more to offer than my vagina. Seriously, if he wants a quick hit, there are literally dozens of women he can land. Why would you want to be one of them? Do you really think that would make you special??

Take your power back. There is nothing better than beating a cheating con artist at his own game. Talk about ego boost.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (27 October 2016):

It's irrelevant whether he likes or hates you. He should respect you, his marriage, and his wife.

I know you you're young and don't have a lot of experience with men. Here's some insight into what's going on. BIL tried the direct approach with you, by using blatant signals like the tongue in the corner of the mouth (trashy and crass) and the finger-touching incident. That planted the seed to get your attention and find out if you'll go for the bait. Now he's using the aloft nonchalant approach. That usually gets to women, because no one likes being ignored and everyone wants to be liked.

Let your attraction wear-off and let him fallback to his proper place. Stop being so involved and receptive; you have a boyfriend, and that is where your attention should lie. Not whether some other guy is paying you attention or attracted to you.

He has successfully thrown you off-balance and confused you; so he now knows you'll do something to regain his approval and to draw his attention. Don't fall for it, it's cheap reverse-psychology. He's waiting for you to confirm you accept his advances.

Just to let you know, he's playing you like a cheap fiddle. Your post is proof it's working. Good you wrote to get some advice about it.

He has a wife. You should not allow him to make passes at you, and you know how he and your boyfriend sometimes lock horns. Don't get in the middle and cause trouble. If you're losing interest in your man, then maybe it is time you breakup and start looking elsewhere as a single-lady.

You should not accept inappropriate flirtations from any man while you have a boyfriend. Whether he's married or single. If you are in a committed-relationship and love your boyfriend, then demonstrate your loyalty by letting BIL know you're off-limits and don't appreciate the passes.

Frown or roll your eyes when he comes off too fresh, make some gesture of you disapproval. You're not in high school, and your self-esteem shouldn't ride on whether people like or hate you. Just demand respect. It's more important that your boyfriend loves you. Right?

You know the guy is a cheat and messes around on his wife; so don't be tempted. Most players are cute or charming, but they also think women are needy and stupid. That's why they're players. They prey on female weaknesses and manipulate them to get sex.

So what if he has little to say to you? He just wants to get into your panties. He doesn't give a hoot about anything else. He's older and, as a player, well-practiced at how to break-down your defenses. Once they get what they want, they treat you like crap and distance themselves like you have a contagious disease. Especially when they're married!

If your boyfriend catches on that you're getting too interested in BIL, you're going to have issues in your relationship. Get a grip, girlfriend.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (27 October 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntIt doesn't matter - he's your boyfriend's brother and you're entertaining this toxic situation. Pull your hand away. Don't look at him. Keep boundaries clear. Also, if your boyfriend slates his brother's wife, he's probably not a great guy, to be honest.

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